I'd like to share something that came to me last night - I don't know how well I will be able to convey it, but here goes.
Over the past few months, I've come up with a much clearer understanding of what ego is (or, I should say, I've experienced something in myself for which the word "ego" seems appropriate). The word has always been confusing to me in the past - now I see it as nothing bad or good, just what is.
There is a part of me that believes I am different, special, unique, but in a separating way - in a way that says it is more important that I get what I want than that others get what they want, that I am different either by being better than or less than, that my point of view is more important because I am the one believing it, that my death is more important than the death of others because it is I (my ego) that is dying. This is ego to me, the illusion that somehow I count more than others, that I am the center of the universe, that my experience and point of view are more significant than that of others.
Last night, I was contemplating all the work I do to improve - workshops, books, thinking, journaling, soul-searching. I try so hard, and have tried so hard all of my life, to reach some higher point, some place where I would be more in the flow, more at peace, less encumbered by the traumas of the past. I looked back and was overwhelmed by the huge work I had done, and the huge task yet before me.
I started thinking about why I tried so hard, what I was trying to achieve, why I was so obsessed in letting go of ego, in embracing the universal, in coming to an enlightened place where the thought of death did not cause me fear, the thought of being unloved did not bring a feeling of insecurity, the thought of contradiction did not threaten a rigidly held belief structure. In short, I really wanted to let go of ego and embrace something larger.
What struck me then was that the motivation for getting rid of ego was ego itself. Why did I want to be enlightened? Well, if I was honest, I would have to admit I fantasize people would love me more, I would not be as threatened, I would feel grander, I *would* be right this time - in short, I would have given my ego a huge boost instead of killing it off. If "I" am now "enlightened", surely I am above all those poor slobs who are still rummaging around in self-help books like I used to do!
My motivation for killing off my ego is my ego itself! I'm willing to let go of a few bucks as long as I win the lottery. My real goal has been not to kill the ego, but only to appear to have done that, while really boosting the ego way beyond my greatest dreams!
This plunged me into a kind of despair, but oddly enough, a peaceful despair. I saw that there was nothing - absolutely nothing - I could do to kill off the ego, because the "I" doing the killing was the ego itself. It is like trying to decapitate yourself - it can't be done! You need your head attached in order to carry out the act.
So I was left in a quiet state of realizing that the struggle was useless. All I had tried was futile, because I had secretly been hoping I would reach some higher state by letting go of my desire to reach a higher state - I had not really let go at all, just found more clever ways of trying to satisfy the ego. So the struggle was useless. At last, I could on some level stop trying. I didn't have to strive for something higher, because my striving itself would prevent it. There was nothing I could do - absolutely nothing I could do to get what I wanted.
Echos of religious phrases from my childhood kept coming to mind - "except a seed fall to the earth and die, it cannot bring forth fruit". I feel there is something on the other side of this death, this letting go of striving. But I can't make it come, or make it happen.
So I am just waiting.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 2/24/2006 12:23:00 PM
Lovely. Elegant. Thanks.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
More from the Mountain
I continue to glow from my weekend. It is so powerful to me to be among other leaders, each person struggling with their own vision, each person loving and supporting the others, each striving to follow their heart's desire.
During the weekend, we took turns leading a mat trip (part of the format of a Shalom retreat), and being lead. Each leader, people who are trained, wise, adult, capable, when they got on the mat, went into their issues, and cried, or wrestled with their relationship with their mother, or raged against a significant other, or whatever. The lesson to me is, that each leader is fully human. We do not resolve all our personal issues before we become leaders - we learn how to be conscious and loving of them, so we can do the same with those we work with. Leaders are on no kind of a pedestal of their own making, because we are all poiently aware of our own vulnerabilities, our own dark side, our own divergence from our values. The thing we learn the most is to love ourselves, and each other, in our imperfection and pain, in our fear and anger, in our shadow and inadequacy. And when we can do that, we can lead, because it is that full acceptance that people need, not the right technique, or the right answer, or the right technique or tool. Those things are great, but as long as we believe we can't be loved until we are fixed, we will never be at peace.
One of my personal revelations this weekend was the concept of being on a journey. I started my personal growth in the recover (12-step) movement - and I still look at my life that way - I am recovering from early childhood abuse and trauma, I am recovering from my dissociation, from wounds and fears and hurts. They see it differently - we are not recovering, we are on a journey. All that has happened to us is part of the journey. This is relevant to our previous discussion on meaning and purpose in life.
Suppose I want to go to the store for eggs. I know my destination, and I know the approximate path I will take. I think of the most efficient route, and set out, each turn predetermed by my plan. I get there, make my purchase, and return home, with each step coreographed in advanced.
Contrast that to going for a walk. I have no predetermed destination, no path other than maybe a vague idea of how to start, no decision made ahead of time about which way I will turn or what I will try to see. As I walk, different things influence me in the moment - a desire to be in the park arises. a street is too busy, and I find I want more quiet, and head for a quieter street. A curiosity comes to me of what is in that graveyard I remember driving by. Each time, in the moment, decisions are made based on what arises within me. I am choosing based on what is within me each moment, with no prior "should", need, destination, goal, or purpose. The walk is now a journey, not a task. When I will look back on it, I may learn something about myself and what I desire, specifically because it was
*not* planned, and because I made my decisions in the moment, as the spirit moved me.
I am thinking, maybe this is where we get purpose in life - not from having some grand goal and plotting our way towards it, but to sensing the flow of life within us, each moment, paying attention, and making decisions based on that inner urge, that small still voice. Our purpose is to do that, to live by that voice, to be a creature in tune with that flow, not to reach a specific destination.
What a relief from the demands I place on myself to be great, to write books that will make me famous, to be the guru, to be a famous Shalom leader, to solve people's problems, heal them, and set them on the right path. If my only chore is to hear the sweet voice within and follow that urge, I still will experience pain on the path, and confusion and grief - but I will be connected with something deep within me that gives me life.
Okay, that's long enough a blog post. I am blessed in many ways - by my dear friends in my community, by discovering Shalom and so many other wonderful supportive groups, by the revelations I have come to in my wanderings, by the individuals in my life that mean so much to me. My thanks to all of them for being there.
During the weekend, we took turns leading a mat trip (part of the format of a Shalom retreat), and being lead. Each leader, people who are trained, wise, adult, capable, when they got on the mat, went into their issues, and cried, or wrestled with their relationship with their mother, or raged against a significant other, or whatever. The lesson to me is, that each leader is fully human. We do not resolve all our personal issues before we become leaders - we learn how to be conscious and loving of them, so we can do the same with those we work with. Leaders are on no kind of a pedestal of their own making, because we are all poiently aware of our own vulnerabilities, our own dark side, our own divergence from our values. The thing we learn the most is to love ourselves, and each other, in our imperfection and pain, in our fear and anger, in our shadow and inadequacy. And when we can do that, we can lead, because it is that full acceptance that people need, not the right technique, or the right answer, or the right technique or tool. Those things are great, but as long as we believe we can't be loved until we are fixed, we will never be at peace.
One of my personal revelations this weekend was the concept of being on a journey. I started my personal growth in the recover (12-step) movement - and I still look at my life that way - I am recovering from early childhood abuse and trauma, I am recovering from my dissociation, from wounds and fears and hurts. They see it differently - we are not recovering, we are on a journey. All that has happened to us is part of the journey. This is relevant to our previous discussion on meaning and purpose in life.
Suppose I want to go to the store for eggs. I know my destination, and I know the approximate path I will take. I think of the most efficient route, and set out, each turn predetermed by my plan. I get there, make my purchase, and return home, with each step coreographed in advanced.
Contrast that to going for a walk. I have no predetermed destination, no path other than maybe a vague idea of how to start, no decision made ahead of time about which way I will turn or what I will try to see. As I walk, different things influence me in the moment - a desire to be in the park arises. a street is too busy, and I find I want more quiet, and head for a quieter street. A curiosity comes to me of what is in that graveyard I remember driving by. Each time, in the moment, decisions are made based on what arises within me. I am choosing based on what is within me each moment, with no prior "should", need, destination, goal, or purpose. The walk is now a journey, not a task. When I will look back on it, I may learn something about myself and what I desire, specifically because it was
*not* planned, and because I made my decisions in the moment, as the spirit moved me.
I am thinking, maybe this is where we get purpose in life - not from having some grand goal and plotting our way towards it, but to sensing the flow of life within us, each moment, paying attention, and making decisions based on that inner urge, that small still voice. Our purpose is to do that, to live by that voice, to be a creature in tune with that flow, not to reach a specific destination.
What a relief from the demands I place on myself to be great, to write books that will make me famous, to be the guru, to be a famous Shalom leader, to solve people's problems, heal them, and set them on the right path. If my only chore is to hear the sweet voice within and follow that urge, I still will experience pain on the path, and confusion and grief - but I will be connected with something deep within me that gives me life.
Okay, that's long enough a blog post. I am blessed in many ways - by my dear friends in my community, by discovering Shalom and so many other wonderful supportive groups, by the revelations I have come to in my wanderings, by the individuals in my life that mean so much to me. My thanks to all of them for being there.