My 19-year old son announced two weeks ago that he was moving to Blacksburg. He announced a few days later that he was biking there. He's never biked more than a few hours on an afternoon. After a few cautionary remarks about building up for such a trip, I succumed to his passion, and he took off on a new bike with a new tent and other various accessaries that I helped him buy. He arrived safely in Blacksburg Monday evening, after 7 days on the road.
A friend heard him remark, "My dad lets me make my own mistakes!" Sometimes I feel like I didn't do too bad. :-)
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/30/2006 11:02:00 PM
I wonder what your son likes about Blacksburg--scenery, people he knows there? I hope he's just kidding about Hitler/Naziism. Andy
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Playa del Fuego trip report
Okay, a simple "here's what I did" blog entry, instead of my usual philosophic wanderings. I went to Playa del Fuego last weekend - a smaller east coast version of Burning Man. I heard rumors that people got wasted a lot, and pictured avoiding piles of puke, and people unable to carry on a conversation, but I went anyway - mainly because nudity was allowed, and I love being able to walk around outside with nothing between me and the sky.
Luckily, the event was not what I feared, and I had a great time. There was a lot of alcohol and some marijuana, but people were generally very outgoing, connective, huggy, and not of the get wasted and make a fool of yourself variety. There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp.
It struck me a lot like a pagan festival, with some differences. There were no workshops (one person said, there was no pretending interest in going to workshops). There was a lot of creativity present - wonderful structures, artwork, inventive themes, music, that people obviously spent months preparing, just for this festival.
I was totally bummed when I first came in, because I did not see one person without clothes, not even topless, and really didn't want to be the only one at a new place I knew nothing about. My solution was to have Beth paint a pair of shorts on my naked body, so I might appear clothed unless someone actually looked closely - that was fun. But as the temperature climbed, many more joined my preferred dress style, and I was very comfortable.
There were some events, includng a very well-done stage event by "the zombies", including many pieces from various musicals, done quite well as solos or choir - they obviously put months of work into it. These were not just partyers - they were artists and free thinkers.
The group is really a bunch of pyromaniacs - everything had to do with fire. They would build elaborate huge pieces of art, then burn them while everyone stood around, watching and cheering. Sunday night was the big burn - a pony on top of a pile of lumber the size of a small house! It was very well done - the pony was made of something that lasted about 15 minutes in the intense heat, so that you periodically saw its black siloutte through the flames. The heat was so intense the crowd had to stand a huge distance away. There were fire marshals present, and they were both serious as well as very fun and into it. They danced and joked. After about 10 minutes into the burn, one of them said through a loud speaker, "The fire is now over. You all must return to your tents! Please evacuate the area at once! And those of you who were waiting for the pony ride, we have some bad news..." Everyone just laughed and kept enjoying the fire.
There were dozens of fire spinners, all different kinds, doing tricks I'd never seen before - fire on chains, on huge batons, on finger wands, spinning all arround their bodies, some of them naked. Very impressive. I think the most impressive was a guy on stilts with a huge baton lit on both ends. While he performed, he reached down and set his own stilts on fire! They were nicely designed to only burn a certain distance, but it was very impressive.
People did really crazy, fun things with their bodies, and I let myself go exhibitionistic, and had a blast. People were dancing on top of a bus, and I got up there and danced where the whole camp could see me. For the big burn in the evening, I got these glow necklaces and wrapped them around my balls - it got a lot of stares and laughs, and I loved it. I danced around the fire like that, and had a great time. Some people like to set fire to things; others like to whip each other, others like to spend their lives in monestaries - and I like to run around naked. I felt really free to have my little kink, and still be accepted by the group there. May we all always find a place where we can safely satisfy our curious desires.
Sunday I spent some time trying to connect with my group, and repair some of the damage from being a space cadet on Saturday and ignoring everyone - I felt like I succeeded in connecting with many of them. They are a group that has been together for years, and goes to many events, especially 4 Quarters Farm, where I haven't been for a long time. The leader especially liked me and welcomed me into their group, and hoped I would do more things with them. It felt good, although I don't know how may other events I want to fit into my schedule.
Saturday night I didn't sleep at all - noise and very bumpy ground, so I left late Sunday night after the big burn. It was SO good to sleep in a real bed after just one night of misery on the ground.
The camp belongs to the vietnam vets motorcycle club, so there were all these stereotypical guys in jeans jackets with sewn on emblems, and big motorcycles, on one side of the camp, kind of sitting there and staring at us. They were friendly, but didn't mix much. It was an odd sight.
That's it - my decadent weekend before I had to go back to programming for the government. They asked me how my weekend was, and I just said, "fine", and smiled.Luckily, the event was not what I feared, and I had a great time. There was a lot of alcohol and some marijuana, but people were generally very outgoing, connective, huggy, and not of the get wasted and make a fool of yourself variety. There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp.
It struck me a lot like a pagan festival, with some differences. There were no workshops (one person said, there was no pretending interest in going to workshops). There was a lot of creativity present - wonderful structures, artwork, inventive themes, music, that people obviously spent months preparing, just for this festival.
I was totally bummed when I first came in, because I did not see one person without clothes, not even topless, and really didn't want to be the only one at a new place I knew nothing about. My solution was to have Beth paint a pair of shorts on my naked body, so I might appear clothed unless someone actually looked closely - that was fun. But as the temperature climbed, many more joined my preferred dress style, and I was very comfortable.
There were some events, includng a very well-done stage event by "the zombies", including many pieces from various musicals, done quite well as solos or choir - they obviously put months of work into it. These were not just partyers - they were artists and free thinkers.
The group is really a bunch of pyromaniacs - everything had to do with fire. They would build elaborate huge pieces of art, then burn them while everyone stood around, watching and cheering. Sunday night was the big burn - a pony on top of a pile of lumber the size of a small house! It was very well done - the pony was made of something that lasted about 15 minutes in the intense heat, so that you periodically saw its black siloutte through the flames. The heat was so intense the crowd had to stand a huge distance away. There were fire marshals present, and they were both serious as well as very fun and into it. They danced and joked. After about 10 minutes into the burn, one of them said through a loud speaker, "The fire is now over. You all must return to your tents! Please evacuate the area at once! And those of you who were waiting for the pony ride, we have some bad news..." Everyone just laughed and kept enjoying the fire.
There were dozens of fire spinners, all different kinds, doing tricks I'd never seen before - fire on chains, on huge batons, on finger wands, spinning all arround their bodies, some of them naked. Very impressive. I think the most impressive was a guy on stilts with a huge baton lit on both ends. While he performed, he reached down and set his own stilts on fire! They were nicely designed to only burn a certain distance, but it was very impressive.
People did really crazy, fun things with their bodies, and I let myself go exhibitionistic, and had a blast. People were dancing on top of a bus, and I got up there and danced where the whole camp could see me. For the big burn in the evening, I got these glow necklaces and wrapped them around my balls - it got a lot of stares and laughs, and I loved it. I danced around the fire like that, and had a great time. Some people like to set fire to things; others like to whip each other, others like to spend their lives in monestaries - and I like to run around naked. I felt really free to have my little kink, and still be accepted by the group there. May we all always find a place where we can safely satisfy our curious desires.
Sunday I spent some time trying to connect with my group, and repair some of the damage from being a space cadet on Saturday and ignoring everyone - I felt like I succeeded in connecting with many of them. They are a group that has been together for years, and goes to many events, especially 4 Quarters Farm, where I haven't been for a long time. The leader especially liked me and welcomed me into their group, and hoped I would do more things with them. It felt good, although I don't know how may other events I want to fit into my schedule.
Saturday night I didn't sleep at all - noise and very bumpy ground, so I left late Sunday night after the big burn. It was SO good to sleep in a real bed after just one night of misery on the ground.
The camp belongs to the vietnam vets motorcycle club, so there were all these stereotypical guys in jeans jackets with sewn on emblems, and big motorcycles, on one side of the camp, kind of sitting there and staring at us. They were friendly, but didn't mix much. It was an odd sight.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/3/2006 5:18:00 AM
I’ve been pricked by some of the comments in this thread from my own female experience in getting hit on and getting seduced. David has a point in that it does depend on whether the sexual approach is coming from someone potentially desirable or repulsive and that usually comes from my own unconscious gut feeling. So, in a way, I think a person who makes advances is vulnerable to unexpected consequences if his motives are truly harmless. But how is the woman to know what the motives of a stranger may be?
When I worked the Renn Fest, we also had a system set up to collar potential molesters and, if needed, remove them from the festival and it happened every single day. The festival is deliberately full of sexual innuendos, open teasing and flirting everywhere, so drawing the line between safe and harmful is extremely important and an art in itself.
I agree with David that ideally there is no harm in asking for favors. But there should also, ideally, be no harm in saying no. Here’s where I get confused. If the guy asks and the woman is offended, then who becomes the victim and who is the perpetrator now? If the woman were not offended, neither would be at odds, whether the answer were yes or no. If the guy persists beyond the answer, then he has made himself into a victim by his own perpetrations. It can get pretty messy in any case.
And for us by-standers, we get to draw our own judgments of how we feel about the scene and how we imagine we would have behaved in the matter.
So I’m commenting from the sidelines also with some emotion because there were times when I would have liked a big brother to get me out of a situation and there were other times when I was really proud of myself handling a request from a scary flirt and ending up with a friend instead of an enemy.
David asked some pressing questions [who is it you are protecting? Is it working? Who is it that is being shamed? Is that working?]
I really don’t see shame in asking someone to correct their behavior if it frightens people - and if the person honestly had no intent of harm. And leadership roles can only offer directives. None of us have control over how another person chooses to respond .
At what point do I decide that a place is too dangerous for me for fear of harm? At what point do I fear to ask for what a I want because I might get excluded for my asking? Where do I fit in any given community?
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/31/2006 7:32:00 PM
David, there's a lot of energy in your response. I have merely reported what happened and expressed my approval. You are welcome, of course, to disagree with me, but your offense is not my doing.
There are social norms to be considered. While social norms are not necessarily moral edicts, a wise man will consider what effect his actions will have when he breaks them. Social norms are often relative. Your distinction between asking permission and entering a tent is your own - many would draw the line elsewhere, and in this case, obviously did. The man in question apparently misjudged the consequences of his actions, and subsequently paid the price. That is not a condemnation, merely observation.
Comment posted by David
at 5/31/2006 7:22:00 AM
Gene,
Your final question is the key. You ask what the line of responsibility is when person a upsets person b. Implied in the question is that person a is some how in charge of person b's upset. I believe person a can be responsible for what they say and do, but not the effects it has on others. So if person a is goofy, ugly, has a big nose, a scarey face, gets nervouse when he talks, he is responsible for all these things to the extent that he has some control, but it is not his responsibility that people make up that he is dangerous, weird, preverted or frightening.
Gene, I can imagine a nudist having judgements about your painted on shorts and another person feeling your nakedness itself violated their sense of safety or appropriateness. If you are responsible for their emotions and reactions, shouldn't you be thrown out of the event? If the standard is inappropriate or weird behavior, then the jury has no repsonsibility but to make stuff up and gang up on someone. For me, we're better off with a standard that has to do with a actual violation rather than perceived violation. Going into a tent or lifting a skirt without asking are actual violations. Asking for permission to do those things is the behavior we want. You once came to a party here dressed as a large cock. Most people enjoyed it. Some probably thought it was inappropriate or may have experienced it as a violation. Upon learning that someone finds it weird or threatening, should I have thrown you out?
If there is an awkward man who has trouble communicating about his sexuality and he goes to a hippie gathering and asks people for permission to touch them and gets in trouble for that and gets thrown out, what happens to his frustrration level. How will he get his needs met. By shaming him for asking rather than doing, do we not help create a predator who does not ask before he acts?
Gene, who is it you are protecting? Is it working? Who is it that is being shamed? Is that working?
Did these women get supported in being victims or empowered? Did they learn that boundaries are something external that others look after to protect them or did they learn to separate boundaries from their own judgements and express clearly what they did and did not want. Did this man get supported in honest expression or looped back into a cycle of shame?
What are your responsibilities as a leader?
If I ask you for a blow job, and you have me ridiculed by the group, I see punishing sanctions, but is that a clear boundary. What happened to the option or responsibility to say, "No."
Let's say you go to a meditation. Afterwards you ask a woman to go home with you. SHe finds it inappropriate, thinks you are weird, tells everyone that your were inappropiately hitting on her. When the medition group leader uninvites you to future events, would you have me celebrate the "groups boundaries"?
David
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/30/2006 9:33:00 PM
It did strike me a bit like a Rainbow Gathering, but not as drugy, and better organized. You can get info for the next one at http://playadelfuego.org .
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/30/2006 9:31:00 PM
Yes, there was more I didn't mention. The requests were done of women who were comlete strangers to him, approached in their tents or other places where they were alone. He also lifted skirts, commented on what kind of underwear women were wearing (or not), asked if he could watch someone while he jerked off, etc. I only witnessed one incident where he went under the skirt of someone, but I heard tales from several women of other adventures. He apparently upset several dozen women in a very short period of time. His behavior was definitely not within expected norms.
Perhaps the deeper question is, where is the line of responsibility drawn when person A upsets person B?
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/30/2006 9:25:00 PM
Gene, I've heard of "Burning Man", and now, thanks for telling us about "Playa Del Fuego" and your experience there. Please tell us about it ahead of time next year so we can go if we wish; is there a website? I used to go to the hippie-like Rainbow Gatherings, where nudity abounds. And I agree with dealing with inappropriate behavior appropriately. Andy
Comment posted by David
at 5/30/2006 8:49:00 PM
Gene,
I'm scratching my head over this one. Are you really saying you celebrate the fact that the organizers threw someone out for asking permission to touch breasts?
What is it you prefer? That he hide his desires? That he hide his sexuality? That he cosmically know who does or doesn't want their breasts touched?
Or should he assume that all women don't want their breasts touched? Or should he recognize he is unwanted and assume that no woman would want to have a lowlife like HIMself touch their breasts. Should he just give up on a sex life? Not all people have the great people skills that you do Gene. What would you have them do, when they are horny and don't know what the other person desires?
I'm quite riled up over this and yet, there must be more to the story. My soap box is making creaking noises as I jump up and down.
Please tell me there is some information missing in this report.
"There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp. "
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The Present of Life
Last weekend at Shalom Mountain, I was on a high Saturday night. I was really loving being among all these enlightened, intelligent people who were aware of themselves, could own their stuff, could really hear each other, and who were loving and open. I felt so lucky to be there and to be absorbing this energy.
But Sunday morning, for unknown reasons, my mood shifted. As we sat in the closing circle, I listened to the overwhelming gratitude people had for the weekend and for Shalom, and how there was no other place like Shalom - and I sat grumpy, saying to myself, "What on earth are they talking about? Did I miss something? Geesh, what's so wonderful about it? It's just another retreat center like all the others. Why are you all making such a big deal about it?"
The contrast in my moods couldn't have been greater. But it was not only my mood that had shifted, but the beliefs I was entertaining. And I caught myself red-handed - I remembered that I had felt another way just last night, and today I was building walls to separate myself emotionally before our parting.
I've had to deal with mood swings much of my life, and lately I learned a new way of handling them. When I find myself with two contradicting realities, I can usually discover which one is the real one by this rule: The voice that never changes, that repeats itself over and over, that never has anything new to say, is a dead voice. It doesn't learn, or take in new information, or alter its opinion. But the voice that shifts, and learns, and grows, and changes - that voice is alive and real, and interacting with the real world, ever learning, ever growing.
The voice in my head Sunday morning had been there a million times before, and was always the same - cynical, separating, judgmental. It had nothing new to say. The voice Saturday night was amazed by what I had seen, and saw anew a bit of what I wanted my path and future to be. It was alive and growing and present.
I believe that our lives consist of the summation of all the moments we are present. All of the moments we are not in the present, we are either rehearsing the past, or rehearsing the future. In other words, they are just reruns - we've thought them before, and repeating them adds nothing to our lives. And I wonder, how much have I actually lived in my life? Ten years? Five? And how can I start to live more of my life each day that is left to me, filling it with new awareness?
But Sunday morning, for unknown reasons, my mood shifted. As we sat in the closing circle, I listened to the overwhelming gratitude people had for the weekend and for Shalom, and how there was no other place like Shalom - and I sat grumpy, saying to myself, "What on earth are they talking about? Did I miss something? Geesh, what's so wonderful about it? It's just another retreat center like all the others. Why are you all making such a big deal about it?"
The contrast in my moods couldn't have been greater. But it was not only my mood that had shifted, but the beliefs I was entertaining. And I caught myself red-handed - I remembered that I had felt another way just last night, and today I was building walls to separate myself emotionally before our parting.
I've had to deal with mood swings much of my life, and lately I learned a new way of handling them. When I find myself with two contradicting realities, I can usually discover which one is the real one by this rule: The voice that never changes, that repeats itself over and over, that never has anything new to say, is a dead voice. It doesn't learn, or take in new information, or alter its opinion. But the voice that shifts, and learns, and grows, and changes - that voice is alive and real, and interacting with the real world, ever learning, ever growing.
The voice in my head Sunday morning had been there a million times before, and was always the same - cynical, separating, judgmental. It had nothing new to say. The voice Saturday night was amazed by what I had seen, and saw anew a bit of what I wanted my path and future to be. It was alive and growing and present.
I believe that our lives consist of the summation of all the moments we are present. All of the moments we are not in the present, we are either rehearsing the past, or rehearsing the future. In other words, they are just reruns - we've thought them before, and repeating them adds nothing to our lives. And I wonder, how much have I actually lived in my life? Ten years? Five? And how can I start to live more of my life each day that is left to me, filling it with new awareness?
Shalom Mountain
Last weekend, I was at Shalom Mountain for the third session of Shalom Retreat Leadership Training, where I learn more of the secrets of leading a Shalom Retreat. I've been talking about "The Mountain", as it is called, for a couple of years, so I thought I'd try to show a bit of it.
Never having done much with pictures - in fact, having a real
block against them - I decided to try taking some of the trip, which is 6 hours from the DC area to the Catskills.
The drive is long, but when I get to Pennsylvania, the scenary repays me for some of the tediousness of the road. There are lots of small lakes along the route, along with bridges, quaint little towns, and lots of trees.
Finally, the magical house where it all takes place. This has been the site of Shalom workshops and retreats for 30 years. You can read about the history of it at shalommountain.com.
Inside, it is homey and friendly. Hugs are plentiful, long, and deep wherever you happen to bump into someone.
The atmosphere is loving, casual, and you feel at home easily. But the work is serious. Much of the philosophy is Jungian, but we do readings from many authors, from Ken Wilber to Starhawk. Types of workshops range from individual/family/couple/young people to sexuality/gay/lesbian/spirituality/Body Sacred. The leadership training I am in is for the "Shalom Retreat", the basic core workshop of Shalom that focuses on moving individuals through their blocks so they can live a fuller and more loving life.
I have one more weekend of training before this phase is over.
I will write about what I learned last weekend in a separate post. Hope you enjoyed this.
Comment posted by Roger Telschow
at 5/23/2006 10:08:00 PM
You did a nice job capturing some of the 'magic' that is Shalom Mountain, Gene. Thanks for the posting!
Never having done much with pictures - in fact, having a real
block against them - I decided to try taking some of the trip, which is 6 hours from the DC area to the Catskills.The drive is long, but when I get to Pennsylvania, the scenary repays me for some of the tediousness of the road. There are lots of small lakes along the route, along with bridges, quaint little towns, and lots of trees.
Finally, the magical house where it all takes place. This has been the site of Shalom workshops and retreats for 30 years. You can read about the history of it at shalommountain.com.
Inside, it is homey and friendly. Hugs are plentiful, long, and deep wherever you happen to bump into someone.
The atmosphere is loving, casual, and you feel at home easily. But the work is serious. Much of the philosophy is Jungian, but we do readings from many authors, from Ken Wilber to Starhawk. Types of workshops range from individual/family/couple/young people to sexuality/gay/lesbian/spirituality/Body Sacred. The leadership training I am in is for the "Shalom Retreat", the basic core workshop of Shalom that focuses on moving individuals through their blocks so they can live a fuller and more loving life.
I have one more weekend of training before this phase is over.
I will write about what I learned last weekend in a separate post. Hope you enjoyed this.
Comment posted by Roger Telschow
at 5/23/2006 10:08:00 PM
You did a nice job capturing some of the 'magic' that is Shalom Mountain, Gene. Thanks for the posting!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Human Experience
Last night I went to a meditation where we watched a video of Wayne Dyer. He impressed me, appearing very different than when I had read "Pulling Your Own Strings" years ago. His heart seemed pure and egoless, and the truths he spoke of were mostly things I have been learning over the past few years in my life.
Yet I was restless. We sat around discussing ideas of letting the past go, living in the present. There is something ironic in discussing being present, in using symbols and concepts to talk about what is right in front of us and all around us. It struck me that so many of us who are interested in new age spirituality have gotten these concepts down, and can discuss them intelligently, and debate which concept is most useful - yet, as Dyer said, it is in the living that it matters, not in the discussion. I've heard and understood great deep truths from many authors; but only occassionally, does one of them actually strike something inside and transform my life. Are we just accumulating doctrines to form a new religion?
People from all ages are all faced with the same thing - life, this experience of being human. And it is within each of us to approach it with awareness and an open heart, no matter what religion, age, society, or lack thereof, we come from. I long to share my experience, and hear the experience of others, as they touch life/god/reality/the present. How can words ever define this morning, as I lay naked in the sun in my back yard, watching the dark and light leaves quiver against a deep blue sky? I can describe it, but only if you have already experienced something similar to it will you have a clue what I am talking about. It is our experience, not our concepts, that constitute life.
I lay there this morning thinking about disappointments, and dreams I was in the process of giving up, and the desires and hopes and wishes I had to juggle against the steely wall of reality. But then the sun broke through, and I became lost in the sensuality of my surroundings. I realized that in this moment, all my needs were met. I was fully satisfied. Only when I thought of what I wanted tomorrow did I experience restlessness.
Can I experience pleasure without grasping onto it, becoming afraid I won't have it again, or as often as I want? Can I experience pain without clinging to it long after it is gone, seeking care for wounds already closed? Can I have my experience of being human on this earth without making it my identity, without losing site of my true essence, the thing I was before I left the garden of Eden and wandered into the human world?
And who is this essence that I am? This essence is what I want to get to know.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 5/22/2006 11:59:00 AM
I have also had my judgements about sitting around and talking about living experiences, wondering how many of us actually went home and practiced what we considered so highly precious. I admit that I find myself weak in the practice.
And are we practicing a new religion? I kind of agree to that with a grin. After all, if a person wants to change their heart and soul and connect with like-minded people, it almost becomes a practice or religion with new doctrines attached. For this part, I try very hard to keep my faith in focus so I do not confuse what I believe with what I am experimenting with in life.
But the one thing I have learned to value deeply is the privilege of joining like-minded people whenever a gathering occurs and re-enforcing good life values and practices together. I may be weak from time to time, but having good friends who support similar values helps me come back to myself in the 'now' and "know" that I am not alone in this quest.
Thanks for reminding me of these values, Gene.
Yet I was restless. We sat around discussing ideas of letting the past go, living in the present. There is something ironic in discussing being present, in using symbols and concepts to talk about what is right in front of us and all around us. It struck me that so many of us who are interested in new age spirituality have gotten these concepts down, and can discuss them intelligently, and debate which concept is most useful - yet, as Dyer said, it is in the living that it matters, not in the discussion. I've heard and understood great deep truths from many authors; but only occassionally, does one of them actually strike something inside and transform my life. Are we just accumulating doctrines to form a new religion?
People from all ages are all faced with the same thing - life, this experience of being human. And it is within each of us to approach it with awareness and an open heart, no matter what religion, age, society, or lack thereof, we come from. I long to share my experience, and hear the experience of others, as they touch life/god/reality/the present. How can words ever define this morning, as I lay naked in the sun in my back yard, watching the dark and light leaves quiver against a deep blue sky? I can describe it, but only if you have already experienced something similar to it will you have a clue what I am talking about. It is our experience, not our concepts, that constitute life.
I lay there this morning thinking about disappointments, and dreams I was in the process of giving up, and the desires and hopes and wishes I had to juggle against the steely wall of reality. But then the sun broke through, and I became lost in the sensuality of my surroundings. I realized that in this moment, all my needs were met. I was fully satisfied. Only when I thought of what I wanted tomorrow did I experience restlessness.
Can I experience pleasure without grasping onto it, becoming afraid I won't have it again, or as often as I want? Can I experience pain without clinging to it long after it is gone, seeking care for wounds already closed? Can I have my experience of being human on this earth without making it my identity, without losing site of my true essence, the thing I was before I left the garden of Eden and wandered into the human world?
And who is this essence that I am? This essence is what I want to get to know.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 5/22/2006 11:59:00 AM
I have also had my judgements about sitting around and talking about living experiences, wondering how many of us actually went home and practiced what we considered so highly precious. I admit that I find myself weak in the practice.
And are we practicing a new religion? I kind of agree to that with a grin. After all, if a person wants to change their heart and soul and connect with like-minded people, it almost becomes a practice or religion with new doctrines attached. For this part, I try very hard to keep my faith in focus so I do not confuse what I believe with what I am experimenting with in life.
But the one thing I have learned to value deeply is the privilege of joining like-minded people whenever a gathering occurs and re-enforcing good life values and practices together. I may be weak from time to time, but having good friends who support similar values helps me come back to myself in the 'now' and "know" that I am not alone in this quest.
Thanks for reminding me of these values, Gene.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Honoring Primitive Energies
I was leaving a parking lot today, being very careful as I backed out, looking both directions, checking several times to be sure someone behind me was not also backing out, moving slowly, calculating my distance. As someone who spends his days carefully making sure programs did what they were supposed to do, and did not go outside of their proscribed bounds, I was getting irritated with the necessity of always being cautious, and indulged in the fantasy of gunning it, smashing into the cars behind me, and taking off in a blur.
Of course, my civilized self won out, and I continued carefully down the asphalt path, staying within the white lines, only doing the procribed speed limit plus whatever else I thought I could get away with, but not more. Careful, careful, careful.
Every part of us needs expression. The carefree child inside of me, who used to be able to do almost anything and not get hurt, needs a place to come out periodically. Back then, adults made sure I was in a safe world where I would not hurt myself until I could develop my own restrictions and not be limited by their rules. But when the restrictions become the focus, my inner child either rebels or dies. My freedom, chaos, and lack of control need a safe place to be expressed.
So does my anger. Anger is not useful when talking to the boss or the policeman who stopped me for speeding. But if I never express my anger, either I lose life's vital passion, or some day I will explode.
It seems as adults, we learn a new way, a way that allows us to better achieve our goals and dreams - but the lower chakra energies of sexuality, creativity, passion, need, destructiveness, aggression are truly a part of us. Our fantasies, magical thinking, impossible desires are a part of us. Perhaps our dark side with its fearful powers, its desires to be malicious, uncaring, controlling, sadistic, also need a safe outlet.
Our primitive side is nothing to be ashamed of or try to kill off; rather, it is a vital part of our very being, part of what makes us alive, what gives us passion, what makes us the beautiful, complex creatures we are.
I think I'll go out and run naked through the woods, screaming.
Comment posted by Sandra
at 5/23/2006 11:57:00 AM
Freeheart - I have just revisited your page after a while away and I love your postings here. I felt compelled to comment on our "primitive selves." I have only recently (in the last few years) come to know, and accept, and embrace, and 'hold up to the light' my most primitive self. This self keeps me grounded, is sometimes dark, is sometimes not 'civil' or 'correct,' but is most always brutally truthful. Presently, I am in the process of trying to always honor that piece (even if it's not convenient!), and it's been (so far) a fascinating journey!! Just a comment!!!
Of course, my civilized self won out, and I continued carefully down the asphalt path, staying within the white lines, only doing the procribed speed limit plus whatever else I thought I could get away with, but not more. Careful, careful, careful.
Every part of us needs expression. The carefree child inside of me, who used to be able to do almost anything and not get hurt, needs a place to come out periodically. Back then, adults made sure I was in a safe world where I would not hurt myself until I could develop my own restrictions and not be limited by their rules. But when the restrictions become the focus, my inner child either rebels or dies. My freedom, chaos, and lack of control need a safe place to be expressed.
So does my anger. Anger is not useful when talking to the boss or the policeman who stopped me for speeding. But if I never express my anger, either I lose life's vital passion, or some day I will explode.
It seems as adults, we learn a new way, a way that allows us to better achieve our goals and dreams - but the lower chakra energies of sexuality, creativity, passion, need, destructiveness, aggression are truly a part of us. Our fantasies, magical thinking, impossible desires are a part of us. Perhaps our dark side with its fearful powers, its desires to be malicious, uncaring, controlling, sadistic, also need a safe outlet.
Our primitive side is nothing to be ashamed of or try to kill off; rather, it is a vital part of our very being, part of what makes us alive, what gives us passion, what makes us the beautiful, complex creatures we are.
I think I'll go out and run naked through the woods, screaming.
Comment posted by Sandra
at 5/23/2006 11:57:00 AM
Freeheart - I have just revisited your page after a while away and I love your postings here. I felt compelled to comment on our "primitive selves." I have only recently (in the last few years) come to know, and accept, and embrace, and 'hold up to the light' my most primitive self. This self keeps me grounded, is sometimes dark, is sometimes not 'civil' or 'correct,' but is most always brutally truthful. Presently, I am in the process of trying to always honor that piece (even if it's not convenient!), and it's been (so far) a fascinating journey!! Just a comment!!!
Monday, May 8, 2006
Bliss
Yet another wonderful weekend for me - I attended the International Primal Association's Spring Retreat. This is the second year I have gone.
Last year, I went through a lot of withdrawal, as I often do in groups that are run by someone other than me. I have a hard time finding my place in a group, as just a group member, and not a leader, and tend to go through issues of belonging, of wanting to be liked, of feeling different, and so on. It didn't happen this time - I flowed in with the people immediately, and felt connected.
Saturday night, I went into a state of bliss that lasted until the ride home yesterday. I think it was partially induced by a wonderful evening of dancing, the connections, and maybe my tiredness. In that state of bliss, I find it so easy to love other people. Everyone looks beautiful to me, and I feel expansive, fully connected, fully loved and loving. I have been entering a state of bliss more frequently in the last few months, as I tune in to the places that feed my soul, and open myself to the energy that is there.
Sunday morning, as we were doing our "mat track", where everyone spends time alone or in pairs emoting whatever feelings were up for them, I lay in the sunlight in my bliss, listening to the various emotions being expressed all around me. Were someone to take those sounds seriously, they would think people were in extreme pain, or ready to kill someone, or in the depths of despair. Yet I knew in an hour, everyone would get up, be happy, well-adjusted adults, and carry on with the day.
What occurred to me was this: I go through many emotions in the course of a week. Some times I feel lousy about myself, and have a hard time believing I have ever done anything worthwhile. Sometimes I feel I am wonderful, and the world is wonderful. Sometimes I am angry, or a victim, or frightened, and my beliefs about the world shift every time my emotions shift. Yet, somewhere underneath it all, is an "I" that does not change. There is something that was angry one day and happy the next, and that is the true me, the one having the emotions. Likewise with the people around me, even if they appear angry, or scary, or better than or less than, somewhere underneath the emotions, underneath their actions, is a real person. If I get to know the real person under my emotions, and the real person underneath others' actions, there can be a connection that cannot be shaken.
My state of bliss has passed this morning, yet I am still here, content. I am not my feelings. I am something that has feelings, and when those feelings have passed, I am still here. I do not have to be in a state of bliss to be present in the world; nor does a state of despair mean my value is in question. There is a solidness about that, a groundedness that lands deeply within me.
I want to better get to know this mysterious "I" that lives under the covers of my life, and can also be hidden so deeply underneath the way others present themselves. I suspect this "I" in all of us is really the same.
Last year, I went through a lot of withdrawal, as I often do in groups that are run by someone other than me. I have a hard time finding my place in a group, as just a group member, and not a leader, and tend to go through issues of belonging, of wanting to be liked, of feeling different, and so on. It didn't happen this time - I flowed in with the people immediately, and felt connected.
Saturday night, I went into a state of bliss that lasted until the ride home yesterday. I think it was partially induced by a wonderful evening of dancing, the connections, and maybe my tiredness. In that state of bliss, I find it so easy to love other people. Everyone looks beautiful to me, and I feel expansive, fully connected, fully loved and loving. I have been entering a state of bliss more frequently in the last few months, as I tune in to the places that feed my soul, and open myself to the energy that is there.
Sunday morning, as we were doing our "mat track", where everyone spends time alone or in pairs emoting whatever feelings were up for them, I lay in the sunlight in my bliss, listening to the various emotions being expressed all around me. Were someone to take those sounds seriously, they would think people were in extreme pain, or ready to kill someone, or in the depths of despair. Yet I knew in an hour, everyone would get up, be happy, well-adjusted adults, and carry on with the day.
What occurred to me was this: I go through many emotions in the course of a week. Some times I feel lousy about myself, and have a hard time believing I have ever done anything worthwhile. Sometimes I feel I am wonderful, and the world is wonderful. Sometimes I am angry, or a victim, or frightened, and my beliefs about the world shift every time my emotions shift. Yet, somewhere underneath it all, is an "I" that does not change. There is something that was angry one day and happy the next, and that is the true me, the one having the emotions. Likewise with the people around me, even if they appear angry, or scary, or better than or less than, somewhere underneath the emotions, underneath their actions, is a real person. If I get to know the real person under my emotions, and the real person underneath others' actions, there can be a connection that cannot be shaken.
My state of bliss has passed this morning, yet I am still here, content. I am not my feelings. I am something that has feelings, and when those feelings have passed, I am still here. I do not have to be in a state of bliss to be present in the world; nor does a state of despair mean my value is in question. There is a solidness about that, a groundedness that lands deeply within me.
I want to better get to know this mysterious "I" that lives under the covers of my life, and can also be hidden so deeply underneath the way others present themselves. I suspect this "I" in all of us is really the same.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Happy Dog Meditation
A month ago, I was at Shalom Mountain, standing naked in the sun on a hill top, and fell into a state of joy and awareness of my surroundings. I let my attention be caught by any movement, any sound, any object. I was in a state of wordless joy for many minutes, and felt alive and at peace. I called it my "Happy Dog Meditation".
Picture a golden lab, fur rippling in the sunlight, alive, full of life. He is happy, tongue hanging, content. A bird passes overhead and his ears go up, his head whips around, and he is fully focused. Then he looks at you, happy again, wanting to play. You pick up a stick, and he goes wild, barking, jumping, eagerly waiting to run wherever you throw it. He whines with anticipation. There is no mind. There are no thoughts, no ponderings. There is no hesitation, no theorizing about the past or planning on the future. Everything is absorbed with eagerness, and he is happy.
So here's how to do the Happy Dog Meditation:
1. Observe everything. Don't control your attention, or focus on something to exclude other things - let everything grab your attention spontaneously, without any plan.
2. Empty your mind. Don't ask, "What was that?" Don't label what you see or hear, not even "Bird!" or "Squirrel!". Don't wonder why something is as it is. Let your mind rest.
3. Be happy. Let go of everything you think should be different than it is - don't wish for what is not, or resent what is. Be open to what you discover.
How do you know when you are no longer meditating?
1. There are words in your head. Every word will cause a fog to come over your eyes and ears, and you won't observe as clearly as before.
2. Your eyes blur or stop moving. When you are no longer looking or seeing what you are looking at, you have lost the present. Start looking again.
3. You become curious what something is, or why it is, or where it went, or how it might change. All these put limits on what you can see. Shed the limits, and observe.
Happy dog. Good dog.
Rub, rub.
Pant, pant.
Picture a golden lab, fur rippling in the sunlight, alive, full of life. He is happy, tongue hanging, content. A bird passes overhead and his ears go up, his head whips around, and he is fully focused. Then he looks at you, happy again, wanting to play. You pick up a stick, and he goes wild, barking, jumping, eagerly waiting to run wherever you throw it. He whines with anticipation. There is no mind. There are no thoughts, no ponderings. There is no hesitation, no theorizing about the past or planning on the future. Everything is absorbed with eagerness, and he is happy.
So here's how to do the Happy Dog Meditation:
1. Observe everything. Don't control your attention, or focus on something to exclude other things - let everything grab your attention spontaneously, without any plan.
2. Empty your mind. Don't ask, "What was that?" Don't label what you see or hear, not even "Bird!" or "Squirrel!". Don't wonder why something is as it is. Let your mind rest.
3. Be happy. Let go of everything you think should be different than it is - don't wish for what is not, or resent what is. Be open to what you discover.
How do you know when you are no longer meditating?
1. There are words in your head. Every word will cause a fog to come over your eyes and ears, and you won't observe as clearly as before.
2. Your eyes blur or stop moving. When you are no longer looking or seeing what you are looking at, you have lost the present. Start looking again.
3. You become curious what something is, or why it is, or where it went, or how it might change. All these put limits on what you can see. Shed the limits, and observe.
Happy dog. Good dog.
Rub, rub.
Pant, pant.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
A Need For Love
The weekend stays on my mind. I notice that I make no demands of the people there, nor of the people in the other communities that feed me, as I often do in relationship. I don't insist people be a certain way, or act a certain way, or have a certain attitude.
To be sure, people there don't always meet my standards. If I created a list of the characteristics of my ideal community, none of the groups I am in would measure up. But when I simply experience what is there, and experience what I get out of a given community, I often find much love, joy, contentment. Needs I do not know I have are met, and the needs I think I have, I don't even think about.
My deep craving for love can make me push love away because it doesn't look the way I expect it to look. The moment I think, if only the world were this way, I become a victim, believing that I have a critical need that life is inadequate to meet. Pain we cannot avoid; being a victim is optional. Our scarcity is of our own creation, not the creation that surrounds us.
Giving up the desire to control the love I receive strips me naked. There is no longer protection from the pain of being unloved; nor is there protection from love, when it does come, with its life-altering power.
To be sure, people there don't always meet my standards. If I created a list of the characteristics of my ideal community, none of the groups I am in would measure up. But when I simply experience what is there, and experience what I get out of a given community, I often find much love, joy, contentment. Needs I do not know I have are met, and the needs I think I have, I don't even think about.
My deep craving for love can make me push love away because it doesn't look the way I expect it to look. The moment I think, if only the world were this way, I become a victim, believing that I have a critical need that life is inadequate to meet. Pain we cannot avoid; being a victim is optional. Our scarcity is of our own creation, not the creation that surrounds us.
Giving up the desire to control the love I receive strips me naked. There is no longer protection from the pain of being unloved; nor is there protection from love, when it does come, with its life-altering power.
Monday, May 1, 2006
Being Loved As I Am
This past weekend I spent at a Beltane retreat that I go to each year, and I came away from it glowing. I realize that I have become part of the community there. I am known, recognized, appreciated, and respected for the individual I am as well as the workshops I do. So many people came to me with nothing but love to give, and I felt completely accepted and loved. It felt like home.
I have a deep need to remember times like this. I also feel a similar love in my own community which has grown up around the gatherings I have had in my home, as well as at Shalom Mountain and a few other places. These are bright spots in my life to warm me when the night grows cold.
Many who have known me at home have been with me through deep struggles with depression, childhood abuse, mood swings, and various relationship issues. I noted with surprise that at Beltane, almost no one knows of my dark times, yet I still feel accepted. I used to feel that someone had to know all my wounds before they would really know me - now I'm seeing that something other than my woundings is shining through, and people love me without knowing my history.
Maybe I no longer need all of my pain in order to go deep. Maybe, finally, I am beginning to let go of being a victim.
I have a deep need to remember times like this. I also feel a similar love in my own community which has grown up around the gatherings I have had in my home, as well as at Shalom Mountain and a few other places. These are bright spots in my life to warm me when the night grows cold.
Many who have known me at home have been with me through deep struggles with depression, childhood abuse, mood swings, and various relationship issues. I noted with surprise that at Beltane, almost no one knows of my dark times, yet I still feel accepted. I used to feel that someone had to know all my wounds before they would really know me - now I'm seeing that something other than my woundings is shining through, and people love me without knowing my history.
Maybe I no longer need all of my pain in order to go deep. Maybe, finally, I am beginning to let go of being a victim.