Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Unproductive Evening
Another evening where I am frustrated with how I spend my time. When I look at what I did and didn't do, it strikes me that what frustrates me is not how much I get done, or what I get done, but whether or not I fulfill my intention for the evening. When I intend to do certain things, and don't, no matter what I do do, there is a sense of lack of control - I am not able to do what I chose to do. This may be because I chose the wrong tasks, or because I avoided tasks. Following through on my intention is critical to being satisfied with my work.
Euphoria and Depression
As a bipolar, I have known both the distortions of both euphoria and depression. During my worst years of depression, almost anything I looked at filled me with despair. A street sign would be crookard, and the disappointment of imperfection would overwhelm me. Every house built meant destruction of nature, every car meant polution, every person meant more problems.
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
Rationalism and Intuition
In school, we learned, honored, and reveared the rational thinkers of our age - scientists, mathmaticians, biologists, etc. Somehow, the "soft" subjects of art and music seemed inferior to flying to the moon or finding a cure for a disease. The rush we got from the age of reason was still upon us.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
The Lower Nature
My work with the Pathwork concept of the lower nature continues to yield insights.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
The Observer
The Buddhist concept of the observer is related to the higher brain that humans have and animals do not. We have the capability of conceptualizing ourselves within a situation as simply one player on the stage, rather than seeing everything as focused on us. It takes a child a while to develop the realization that he is like the other people around them, and that other people experience him in a similar way to how he experiences them.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
Honoring our Past Self
When people grow, or learn some life lesson, sometimes they look back on where they used to be with distain. "How could I have been so stupid? It's so obvious! I must have been blind!" In rejecting their past self, they set up a paradigm that they are not okay unless they have learned certain lessons. And that paradigm leads to questioning if they have learned enough to be okay today. Maybe they are still "stupid" and "blind". This leads to the choice of an endless quest to make onesself perfect to escape the shame of our imperfection, or to becoming fundamentalist and believing that they finally have the right answers, and there is nothing more to learn.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
A Formula for Dysaction
Thinking this morning about my fear of closeness, a fear of being trapped in a relationship, of losing my ability to determine my own life and path. I see two steps to getting out of dysaction [any action contrary to intent] - full awareness of the false desire or belief [a desire or belief which, when examined more closely, turns out not to be what you truly desire or believe], and then true awareness of the true desire or belief - that is, who you really are underneath the dysaction.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
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