In our New Age, "shame" is the only bad emotion. It's called useless, destructive, unnatural, and the only thing to be done with it is to get rid of it. Yet consider that we, the modern human being, has been voted "Most Likely To Succeed" by evolution, of all the varient creatures that could have made it to the top through survival of the fittest - and we have this amazing innate capacity for shame. Why would evolution see fit to build this capacity into us if it did not have a positive function?
What we call shame often is not shame - it is anxiety over anticipated negative reactions of others - fear of rejection, or punishment, or abandonment, because of who we are or what we do. This kind of reaction would not exist in an accepting environment - it is caused because of a threat, real or imagined, of not being accepted as we are.
True shame is rather the belief that we are not okay - that who we are, or what we do, is not okay. Believing that we not okay means that there is an authority whose standard we have failed to reach. Often, that authority is society, or other people, or those close to us - we hand over our personal authority to them, and believe them when they say we are not okay.
However, there is one other kind of shame that is not dependent on fear of retribution, nor on the disapproval of others - that is when we discover we do not live up to our own values. The authority is now internal - we have values we believe in, ways in which we want to act because they make us feel proud to be ourselves. Yet, we all have times when we act contrary to our own values. When we do this, we feel shame.
In this situation, shame becomes healthy, even useful. Shame is the indicator that we are violating our own values, disregarding our own beliefs, violating our own integrity. It is a red flag telling us that we need to look inside to see how we want to live, and then model our actions accordingly.
True shame does not revel in our failure - how bad we are, how much we fall short, how poorly we measure up - true shame is a spur to action, to decide what we believe and to live by it. Think of a time that you were caught doing something that *you* knew was wrong, by your own standards. Think of the shame you felt. The next time you are inclined towards that same action, the memory of shame will give you more strength to act differently.
Primitive? Yes. But then all the emotions are. They were developed long before the cerebral cortex. But they also have a power that mere thought can't equal.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Killing the Ego
I'd like to share something that came to me last night - I don't know how well I will be able to convey it, but here goes.
Over the past few months, I've come up with a much clearer understanding of what ego is (or, I should say, I've experienced something in myself for which the word "ego" seems appropriate). The word has always been confusing to me in the past - now I see it as nothing bad or good, just what is.
There is a part of me that believes I am different, special, unique, but in a separating way - in a way that says it is more important that I get what I want than that others get what they want, that I am different either by being better than or less than, that my point of view is more important because I am the one believing it, that my death is more important than the death of others because it is I (my ego) that is dying. This is ego to me, the illusion that somehow I count more than others, that I am the center of the universe, that my experience and point of view are more significant than that of others.
Last night, I was contemplating all the work I do to improve - workshops, books, thinking, journaling, soul-searching. I try so hard, and have tried so hard all of my life, to reach some higher point, some place where I would be more in the flow, more at peace, less encumbered by the traumas of the past. I looked back and was overwhelmed by the huge work I had done, and the huge task yet before me.
I started thinking about why I tried so hard, what I was trying to achieve, why I was so obsessed in letting go of ego, in embracing the universal, in coming to an enlightened place where the thought of death did not cause me fear, the thought of being unloved did not bring a feeling of insecurity, the thought of contradiction did not threaten a rigidly held belief structure. In short, I really wanted to let go of ego and embrace something larger.
What struck me then was that the motivation for getting rid of ego was ego itself. Why did I want to be enlightened? Well, if I was honest, I would have to admit I fantasize people would love me more, I would not be as threatened, I would feel grander, I *would* be right this time - in short, I would have given my ego a huge boost instead of killing it off. If "I" am now "enlightened", surely I am above all those poor slobs who are still rummaging around in self-help books like I used to do!
My motivation for killing off my ego is my ego itself! I'm willing to let go of a few bucks as long as I win the lottery. My real goal has been not to kill the ego, but only to appear to have done that, while really boosting the ego way beyond my greatest dreams!
This plunged me into a kind of despair, but oddly enough, a peaceful despair. I saw that there was nothing - absolutely nothing - I could do to kill off the ego, because the "I" doing the killing was the ego itself. It is like trying to decapitate yourself - it can't be done! You need your head attached in order to carry out the act.
So I was left in a quiet state of realizing that the struggle was useless. All I had tried was futile, because I had secretly been hoping I would reach some higher state by letting go of my desire to reach a higher state - I had not really let go at all, just found more clever ways of trying to satisfy the ego. So the struggle was useless. At last, I could on some level stop trying. I didn't have to strive for something higher, because my striving itself would prevent it. There was nothing I could do - absolutely nothing I could do to get what I wanted.
Echos of religious phrases from my childhood kept coming to mind - "except a seed fall to the earth and die, it cannot bring forth fruit". I feel there is something on the other side of this death, this letting go of striving. But I can't make it come, or make it happen.
So I am just waiting.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 2/24/2006 12:23:00 PM
Lovely. Elegant. Thanks.
Over the past few months, I've come up with a much clearer understanding of what ego is (or, I should say, I've experienced something in myself for which the word "ego" seems appropriate). The word has always been confusing to me in the past - now I see it as nothing bad or good, just what is.
There is a part of me that believes I am different, special, unique, but in a separating way - in a way that says it is more important that I get what I want than that others get what they want, that I am different either by being better than or less than, that my point of view is more important because I am the one believing it, that my death is more important than the death of others because it is I (my ego) that is dying. This is ego to me, the illusion that somehow I count more than others, that I am the center of the universe, that my experience and point of view are more significant than that of others.
Last night, I was contemplating all the work I do to improve - workshops, books, thinking, journaling, soul-searching. I try so hard, and have tried so hard all of my life, to reach some higher point, some place where I would be more in the flow, more at peace, less encumbered by the traumas of the past. I looked back and was overwhelmed by the huge work I had done, and the huge task yet before me.
I started thinking about why I tried so hard, what I was trying to achieve, why I was so obsessed in letting go of ego, in embracing the universal, in coming to an enlightened place where the thought of death did not cause me fear, the thought of being unloved did not bring a feeling of insecurity, the thought of contradiction did not threaten a rigidly held belief structure. In short, I really wanted to let go of ego and embrace something larger.
What struck me then was that the motivation for getting rid of ego was ego itself. Why did I want to be enlightened? Well, if I was honest, I would have to admit I fantasize people would love me more, I would not be as threatened, I would feel grander, I *would* be right this time - in short, I would have given my ego a huge boost instead of killing it off. If "I" am now "enlightened", surely I am above all those poor slobs who are still rummaging around in self-help books like I used to do!
My motivation for killing off my ego is my ego itself! I'm willing to let go of a few bucks as long as I win the lottery. My real goal has been not to kill the ego, but only to appear to have done that, while really boosting the ego way beyond my greatest dreams!
This plunged me into a kind of despair, but oddly enough, a peaceful despair. I saw that there was nothing - absolutely nothing - I could do to kill off the ego, because the "I" doing the killing was the ego itself. It is like trying to decapitate yourself - it can't be done! You need your head attached in order to carry out the act.
So I was left in a quiet state of realizing that the struggle was useless. All I had tried was futile, because I had secretly been hoping I would reach some higher state by letting go of my desire to reach a higher state - I had not really let go at all, just found more clever ways of trying to satisfy the ego. So the struggle was useless. At last, I could on some level stop trying. I didn't have to strive for something higher, because my striving itself would prevent it. There was nothing I could do - absolutely nothing I could do to get what I wanted.
Echos of religious phrases from my childhood kept coming to mind - "except a seed fall to the earth and die, it cannot bring forth fruit". I feel there is something on the other side of this death, this letting go of striving. But I can't make it come, or make it happen.
So I am just waiting.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 2/24/2006 12:23:00 PM
Lovely. Elegant. Thanks.
Monday, January 16, 2006
More from the Mountain
I continue to glow from my weekend. It is so powerful to me to be among other leaders, each person struggling with their own vision, each person loving and supporting the others, each striving to follow their heart's desire.
During the weekend, we took turns leading a mat trip (part of the format of a Shalom retreat), and being lead. Each leader, people who are trained, wise, adult, capable, when they got on the mat, went into their issues, and cried, or wrestled with their relationship with their mother, or raged against a significant other, or whatever. The lesson to me is, that each leader is fully human. We do not resolve all our personal issues before we become leaders - we learn how to be conscious and loving of them, so we can do the same with those we work with. Leaders are on no kind of a pedestal of their own making, because we are all poiently aware of our own vulnerabilities, our own dark side, our own divergence from our values. The thing we learn the most is to love ourselves, and each other, in our imperfection and pain, in our fear and anger, in our shadow and inadequacy. And when we can do that, we can lead, because it is that full acceptance that people need, not the right technique, or the right answer, or the right technique or tool. Those things are great, but as long as we believe we can't be loved until we are fixed, we will never be at peace.
One of my personal revelations this weekend was the concept of being on a journey. I started my personal growth in the recover (12-step) movement - and I still look at my life that way - I am recovering from early childhood abuse and trauma, I am recovering from my dissociation, from wounds and fears and hurts. They see it differently - we are not recovering, we are on a journey. All that has happened to us is part of the journey. This is relevant to our previous discussion on meaning and purpose in life.
Suppose I want to go to the store for eggs. I know my destination, and I know the approximate path I will take. I think of the most efficient route, and set out, each turn predetermed by my plan. I get there, make my purchase, and return home, with each step coreographed in advanced.
Contrast that to going for a walk. I have no predetermed destination, no path other than maybe a vague idea of how to start, no decision made ahead of time about which way I will turn or what I will try to see. As I walk, different things influence me in the moment - a desire to be in the park arises. a street is too busy, and I find I want more quiet, and head for a quieter street. A curiosity comes to me of what is in that graveyard I remember driving by. Each time, in the moment, decisions are made based on what arises within me. I am choosing based on what is within me each moment, with no prior "should", need, destination, goal, or purpose. The walk is now a journey, not a task. When I will look back on it, I may learn something about myself and what I desire, specifically because it was
*not* planned, and because I made my decisions in the moment, as the spirit moved me.
I am thinking, maybe this is where we get purpose in life - not from having some grand goal and plotting our way towards it, but to sensing the flow of life within us, each moment, paying attention, and making decisions based on that inner urge, that small still voice. Our purpose is to do that, to live by that voice, to be a creature in tune with that flow, not to reach a specific destination.
What a relief from the demands I place on myself to be great, to write books that will make me famous, to be the guru, to be a famous Shalom leader, to solve people's problems, heal them, and set them on the right path. If my only chore is to hear the sweet voice within and follow that urge, I still will experience pain on the path, and confusion and grief - but I will be connected with something deep within me that gives me life.
Okay, that's long enough a blog post. I am blessed in many ways - by my dear friends in my community, by discovering Shalom and so many other wonderful supportive groups, by the revelations I have come to in my wanderings, by the individuals in my life that mean so much to me. My thanks to all of them for being there.
During the weekend, we took turns leading a mat trip (part of the format of a Shalom retreat), and being lead. Each leader, people who are trained, wise, adult, capable, when they got on the mat, went into their issues, and cried, or wrestled with their relationship with their mother, or raged against a significant other, or whatever. The lesson to me is, that each leader is fully human. We do not resolve all our personal issues before we become leaders - we learn how to be conscious and loving of them, so we can do the same with those we work with. Leaders are on no kind of a pedestal of their own making, because we are all poiently aware of our own vulnerabilities, our own dark side, our own divergence from our values. The thing we learn the most is to love ourselves, and each other, in our imperfection and pain, in our fear and anger, in our shadow and inadequacy. And when we can do that, we can lead, because it is that full acceptance that people need, not the right technique, or the right answer, or the right technique or tool. Those things are great, but as long as we believe we can't be loved until we are fixed, we will never be at peace.
One of my personal revelations this weekend was the concept of being on a journey. I started my personal growth in the recover (12-step) movement - and I still look at my life that way - I am recovering from early childhood abuse and trauma, I am recovering from my dissociation, from wounds and fears and hurts. They see it differently - we are not recovering, we are on a journey. All that has happened to us is part of the journey. This is relevant to our previous discussion on meaning and purpose in life.
Suppose I want to go to the store for eggs. I know my destination, and I know the approximate path I will take. I think of the most efficient route, and set out, each turn predetermed by my plan. I get there, make my purchase, and return home, with each step coreographed in advanced.
Contrast that to going for a walk. I have no predetermed destination, no path other than maybe a vague idea of how to start, no decision made ahead of time about which way I will turn or what I will try to see. As I walk, different things influence me in the moment - a desire to be in the park arises. a street is too busy, and I find I want more quiet, and head for a quieter street. A curiosity comes to me of what is in that graveyard I remember driving by. Each time, in the moment, decisions are made based on what arises within me. I am choosing based on what is within me each moment, with no prior "should", need, destination, goal, or purpose. The walk is now a journey, not a task. When I will look back on it, I may learn something about myself and what I desire, specifically because it was
*not* planned, and because I made my decisions in the moment, as the spirit moved me.
I am thinking, maybe this is where we get purpose in life - not from having some grand goal and plotting our way towards it, but to sensing the flow of life within us, each moment, paying attention, and making decisions based on that inner urge, that small still voice. Our purpose is to do that, to live by that voice, to be a creature in tune with that flow, not to reach a specific destination.
What a relief from the demands I place on myself to be great, to write books that will make me famous, to be the guru, to be a famous Shalom leader, to solve people's problems, heal them, and set them on the right path. If my only chore is to hear the sweet voice within and follow that urge, I still will experience pain on the path, and confusion and grief - but I will be connected with something deep within me that gives me life.
Okay, that's long enough a blog post. I am blessed in many ways - by my dear friends in my community, by discovering Shalom and so many other wonderful supportive groups, by the revelations I have come to in my wanderings, by the individuals in my life that mean so much to me. My thanks to all of them for being there.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Of Dogs and Judges
At work today, I passed an unknown man in the hall, and as is often the case, glanced at his face with unease, wondering if he would glance at me, like me, give me a look of approval or disapproval as I walked by.
I caught a glimpse of the two of us in a glass door. I was a big man next to him, and the thought flashed through my mind, "He's probably afraid of *me*!" I smiled, and the approval I had covertly sought from him suddenly seemed very silly.
This man had no authority over me. He could not punish me for not fitting his perception of proper behavior or dress. His disapproval would mean no more than a barking dog chained to a tree - amusing at best, but ultimately irrelevant. I could even tease him (the dog or the man) and get him riled up - his response would have no relevance to my safety or well-being.
A dog, of course, thinks his opinion the most important in the world; and I, as a human, look down and smile at his naivete. His response comes from limited consciousness, irrelevant to the real world.
Is this not true of any of us who judge?
I caught a glimpse of the two of us in a glass door. I was a big man next to him, and the thought flashed through my mind, "He's probably afraid of *me*!" I smiled, and the approval I had covertly sought from him suddenly seemed very silly.
This man had no authority over me. He could not punish me for not fitting his perception of proper behavior or dress. His disapproval would mean no more than a barking dog chained to a tree - amusing at best, but ultimately irrelevant. I could even tease him (the dog or the man) and get him riled up - his response would have no relevance to my safety or well-being.
A dog, of course, thinks his opinion the most important in the world; and I, as a human, look down and smile at his naivete. His response comes from limited consciousness, irrelevant to the real world.
Is this not true of any of us who judge?
Monday, November 7, 2005
The Vulnerability of Men
I'm back from the Mountain today - a profound and moving weekend with men. One of the things men find hardest to do - at least I do - is to become close and show affection for other men. Those barriers were broken down this weekend, and we held each other like brothers, able to look into each other's eyes and say how much we love each other. It is rare that I have done deep men's work in my life, but each time it has been profound.
On Saturday evening, three women were brought into our retreat, partially so that we could look at our response to the presence of women. One of our responses was to feel threatened. We had spent two days finding ourselves as men, finding our strength, our connection with the earth, our true desires, without women being an influence. Facing the prospect of these women being there, we felt afraid. One man said, women can cut us off at the knees. The moment we know a woman is watching, we lose who we are, and start wondering if we are pleasing them, if we are good enough, if we are acceptable, and suddenly we have to prove ourselves. Without women present, we knew we were okay the way we were.
This is a vulnerability in men that had escaped me, but was obvious the moment it was mentioned. There is both the desire to be approved by a woman, as well as the desire to be wanted by them, and both of those desires can cause us to compromise who we really are. The joint vulnerability we felt gave us a new resolve to be ourselves, whether or not women were looking. It took a bit, but soon we were dancing, knowing the women were watching, but also knowing we were perfectly okay just the way we were, and we didn't have to modify anything to please them.
I have a new feel today for what it means to be male - to be rooted in the earth, and to have the strength to know what I want, to state it clearly, and to go for it.
On Saturday evening, three women were brought into our retreat, partially so that we could look at our response to the presence of women. One of our responses was to feel threatened. We had spent two days finding ourselves as men, finding our strength, our connection with the earth, our true desires, without women being an influence. Facing the prospect of these women being there, we felt afraid. One man said, women can cut us off at the knees. The moment we know a woman is watching, we lose who we are, and start wondering if we are pleasing them, if we are good enough, if we are acceptable, and suddenly we have to prove ourselves. Without women present, we knew we were okay the way we were.
This is a vulnerability in men that had escaped me, but was obvious the moment it was mentioned. There is both the desire to be approved by a woman, as well as the desire to be wanted by them, and both of those desires can cause us to compromise who we really are. The joint vulnerability we felt gave us a new resolve to be ourselves, whether or not women were looking. It took a bit, but soon we were dancing, knowing the women were watching, but also knowing we were perfectly okay just the way we were, and we didn't have to modify anything to please them.
I have a new feel today for what it means to be male - to be rooted in the earth, and to have the strength to know what I want, to state it clearly, and to go for it.
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
Friends
Tomorrow I take off for Shalom Mountain, a wonderful, magical place in the Catskill Mountains, where people grow, learn, heal, and find deep connections with each other. Ironically, I am going to the Wild Man retreat while still considering the offer of the Amazon native to live in his village in the jungle.
I feel extraordinarily blessed with friends. Shalom is a place I made many friends during my training there last year, and I am looking forward to seeing some of them again. And the community that has formed around the Sunday night gatherings warms my soul and feeds me. My life is rich with friends, lovers, support people, community. I think of how many people out there live lives very alone, maybe hoping for one person who will take away all their loneliness, and I feel lucky for the life I have found.
I often forget, and start to believe I am alone again, as was true for much of my life. At times like that, I withdraw and quickly fulfill my own prophesy. But today, at least, I remember, and I am grateful to every one of my friends for being in my life.
I feel extraordinarily blessed with friends. Shalom is a place I made many friends during my training there last year, and I am looking forward to seeing some of them again. And the community that has formed around the Sunday night gatherings warms my soul and feeds me. My life is rich with friends, lovers, support people, community. I think of how many people out there live lives very alone, maybe hoping for one person who will take away all their loneliness, and I feel lucky for the life I have found.
I often forget, and start to believe I am alone again, as was true for much of my life. At times like that, I withdraw and quickly fulfill my own prophesy. But today, at least, I remember, and I am grateful to every one of my friends for being in my life.
A Hole in my Head
I wake up, as I have so many mornings in the past, not knowing where I am, or who I am. I wake up lost. I look out the window, and try to remember, what was I doing yesterday? What did I decide my goals were? What is supposed to be important to me today? Why am I here?
I have the distinct impression that I knew the answers to these questions, probably just yesterday, but once again, this morning, they are gone, and I am alone.
There is a hole in my head. I go to look for answers where I know I put them, and I know they were there just yesterday; but when I look, there is nothing, just a hole - no information, no hint of what was there before - just emptiness, filling time and space.
I have actually come a long way. For years upon years, I did not remember that I had known the answers yesterday - I did not realize that I kept forgetting and relearning the same lessons over and over. Today, I remember enough to realize the daily disappearance, and once again, I am alone in a world without meaning.
Relationships feel distant. It feels like they mean nothing to me, as if I would not recognize a dear friend or lover if they walked into my bedroom - I would just smile politely, as I do with a stranger, and wonder what they wanted.
I know yesterday I had passions - things seemed terribly important, there were things to do, things that had to be stopped, or be fixed, or be pursued. Today, I can't remember what they were - some chores come to mind, but that sense of vital energy that makes life worth living - I can't quite remember what it felt like.
I can remember that I have loved. I can even remember the expression on my face as I wrap my arms around someone I care about. But I can't remember the feeling that would have led to that expression, nor what would have motivated me to care.
Long, long ago, I learned a hard lesson - my deep, craving need for love was inappropriate for the world I lived in - it was out of place, it had no means of fulfillment, like a porpoise on land, desiring water. There was no water in this life, nothing to bathe and sooth the dry parched surface of my soul. And when I couldn't have what I so deeply wanted, I disciplined myself to stop looking, to block out the longing, to not ask why. The discipline had to be constant, continuous, because the craving was continuous.
Occassionally, with increasing frequency, I do find deep connection in my life - moments when I know without a doubt that I love someone, moments when I feel I am fully open and giving, and I have found my purpose in life, moments when I am in the flow and I experience what it is like to be one with the universe. Those moments are often so poinent that I have to choke off some of the feeling - I fear I will lose myself and somehow not come back. I fear I would unleash all the refused grief of hardened years, all the denied longings of the unknown being within, and I would cry blood. Like a starving person from the desert, who has to readjust to taking in food again, I fear the abundance would kill me if I truly let it in.
And so my brain protects me, as it has for so long, faithfully erasing those dangerous memories of love from yesterday, so I can start again, fresh, clean, and alone, without reason to want more.
Ever so slowly, love is winning out. Each morning, I trust my suspicions a bit more, suspicions that I do have purpose, that I am loved, that the world is indeed my home. Suspicions that there is fulfillment to my longings, that my passions do have lovers waiting for them, that my feelings have a reason for being here other than torment. Ever so slowly, each day, I start to find my grounding, and memories return, and I once again walk among the living. The hole in my head is slowly closing and filling in.
If I do not remember you, my friend, it is not because I do not love you - it is because there is still a hole in my head, and each day, I must retrieve from it the things that make life worth living.
I have the distinct impression that I knew the answers to these questions, probably just yesterday, but once again, this morning, they are gone, and I am alone.
There is a hole in my head. I go to look for answers where I know I put them, and I know they were there just yesterday; but when I look, there is nothing, just a hole - no information, no hint of what was there before - just emptiness, filling time and space.
I have actually come a long way. For years upon years, I did not remember that I had known the answers yesterday - I did not realize that I kept forgetting and relearning the same lessons over and over. Today, I remember enough to realize the daily disappearance, and once again, I am alone in a world without meaning.
Relationships feel distant. It feels like they mean nothing to me, as if I would not recognize a dear friend or lover if they walked into my bedroom - I would just smile politely, as I do with a stranger, and wonder what they wanted.
I know yesterday I had passions - things seemed terribly important, there were things to do, things that had to be stopped, or be fixed, or be pursued. Today, I can't remember what they were - some chores come to mind, but that sense of vital energy that makes life worth living - I can't quite remember what it felt like.
I can remember that I have loved. I can even remember the expression on my face as I wrap my arms around someone I care about. But I can't remember the feeling that would have led to that expression, nor what would have motivated me to care.
Long, long ago, I learned a hard lesson - my deep, craving need for love was inappropriate for the world I lived in - it was out of place, it had no means of fulfillment, like a porpoise on land, desiring water. There was no water in this life, nothing to bathe and sooth the dry parched surface of my soul. And when I couldn't have what I so deeply wanted, I disciplined myself to stop looking, to block out the longing, to not ask why. The discipline had to be constant, continuous, because the craving was continuous.
Occassionally, with increasing frequency, I do find deep connection in my life - moments when I know without a doubt that I love someone, moments when I feel I am fully open and giving, and I have found my purpose in life, moments when I am in the flow and I experience what it is like to be one with the universe. Those moments are often so poinent that I have to choke off some of the feeling - I fear I will lose myself and somehow not come back. I fear I would unleash all the refused grief of hardened years, all the denied longings of the unknown being within, and I would cry blood. Like a starving person from the desert, who has to readjust to taking in food again, I fear the abundance would kill me if I truly let it in.
And so my brain protects me, as it has for so long, faithfully erasing those dangerous memories of love from yesterday, so I can start again, fresh, clean, and alone, without reason to want more.
Ever so slowly, love is winning out. Each morning, I trust my suspicions a bit more, suspicions that I do have purpose, that I am loved, that the world is indeed my home. Suspicions that there is fulfillment to my longings, that my passions do have lovers waiting for them, that my feelings have a reason for being here other than torment. Ever so slowly, each day, I start to find my grounding, and memories return, and I once again walk among the living. The hole in my head is slowly closing and filling in.
If I do not remember you, my friend, it is not because I do not love you - it is because there is still a hole in my head, and each day, I must retrieve from it the things that make life worth living.
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