I just found out that my friend Charles, about whom I've written twice before, died on Sunday. Recurrent pnemonia apparently finished the process that was inevitable anyway.
Death is the strangest thing. How can a person simply cease to exist?? If a tree is cut down, there is a wood pile, or sawdust, or rotting trunks on the ground. And of course the physical body of Charles still exists. But the spirit - the voice, personality, ideas, experiences of his life, his memories - all have suddenly vanished without a trace. We will never know anything more of what it was like to be Charles than we know at this moment, and even that will fade over time.
Here I can see the essence of spirit quite clearly. Don't talk to me about the personality just being a very complex set of neural connections, or that everything is ultimately arrangements of molicules - that does not explain what has happened here. Something spiritual has happened; something we call a spirit is no longer there. It is not a "thing" that has gone - it is a capability, a capacity to touch my life, to teach me from years of experience and from a bank of wisdom accumulated at great price. I no longer can stare into his eyes and feel the thrill of words coming from a person with very different life experiences than mine. I can no longer have my vision expanded by his particular point of view. I can no longer listen to him disrupt the chapel service with his long passionate speeches.
And some day, I will die. How can I fathom that I, not my body, but the thing that feels, experiences, weeps, laughs, thinks - that that thing will be gone? That all I have experienced and today hold as so important, will disappear? That the desire for life itself will no longer be? Who will I be, when I am no longer I? Who was I, before I was me?
I am forced once again to face that great paradox of meaning - why am I here? I have struggled with this question since I started counting the years left instead of the years lived. The task now is, to cease hiding, to cease pretending, and to wrestle with what is, allowing the dance between this thing we call reality and the thing I call me, to shape me and my philosophy as it will.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/9/2006 8:04:00 AM
Gene,
This one so much touched me especially with knowing several people pending death and also Charles now gone.
I think I feel like this especially when I am in the heart of getting the very thing I have longed to receive -- I feel so inadequate when it is gifted to me.
This poem makes me feel less alone in my struggle.
Heidi
[Panhala]
Life While-You-Wait
Wislawa Szymborska
Life While-You-Wait.
Performance without rehearsal.
Body without alterations.
Head without premeditation.
I know nothing of the role I play.
I only know it's mine. I can't exchange it.
I have to guess on the spot
just what this play's all about.
Ill-prepared for the privilege of living,
I can barely keep up with the pace that the action demands.
I improvise, although I loathe improvisation.
I trip at every step over my own ignorance.
I can't conceal my hayseed manners.
My instincts are for happy histrionics.
Stage fright makes excuses for me, which humiliate me more.
Extenuating circumstances strike me as cruel.
Words and impulses you can't take back,
stars you'll never get counted,
your character like a raincoat you button on the run ?
the pitiful results of all this unexpectedness.
If only I could just rehearse one Wednesday in advance,
or repeat a single Thursday that has passed!
But here comes Friday with a script I haven't seen.
Is it fair, I ask
(my voice a little hoarse,
since I couldn't even clear my throat offstage).
You'd be wrong to think that it's just a slapdash quiz
taken in makeshift accommodations. Oh no.
I'm standing on the set and I see how strong it is.
The props are surprisingly precise.
The machine rotating the stage has been around even longer.
The farthest galaxies have been turned on.
Oh no, there's no question, this must be the premiere.
And whatever I do
will become forever what I've done.
~ Wislawa Szymborska ~
Wednesday, June 7, 2006
Monday, June 5, 2006
Two Kinds of Anger
I've been purposely avoiding putting much theory on my blog, because I tend to theorize a lot in my head, and theory does not create intimacy. Yet sometimes it can be invaluable, and this one is an important understanding for me, that might be useful to others.
I've always had issues with anger - other people's and my own. I tend to be terrified of it, and avoid it at all costs. I've suppressed much of my own anger, and have wound up often feeling like a victim and carrying resentment.
From my work with Shalom and other places, I've come to see two different emotions that I have both been calling anger:
- Passion - I may feel strongly about something, such as the war, and express my thoughts with energy. Or someone may be violating or about to violate a boundary of mine, and I say "No!" strongly, with power, with energy. I have often suppressed this energy from being expressed in my life.
- Resentment - I may dislike something that has happened to me, or some situation that I cannot change, and develop an attitude of feeling like a victim, powerless and abused. It may include the desire for vengence, or withdrawal, or the belief that I don't deserve to be happy. I have often indulged in this attitude, and suffered a lot from it.
The psychological technique of emotional release, where one brings an emotion to the surface and expresses it strongly and bodily with the purpose of releasing it, has been controversial in the field of psychology. It is done in co-counseling, primal therapy, in Shalom work, in Pathwork, in the Mankind Project, and many other systems of healing and growth with great effectiveness, yet many professionals remain against it. I've puzzled over that a lot, because it has been very effective for me. This distinction above holds the key for me.
Emotions that are habitual attitudes are strengthened the more they are practiced. Emotions that have been suppressed and are brought into our awareness give us a new option that we were resisting before. Those of us who habitually feel rage, or resentment, or sadness, or powerlessness, are not people who need to practice those emotions - we need to practice new options, new ways of looking at life, new ways of reacting to situations. Those of us who have denied the existence of certain emotions, or suppressed the expression of them, need to understand why we are cutting off part of who we are, and one method of understanding is to get us to experience it and see what we have been resisting.
What I have resisted is personal power - the kind of anger that rises up when my boundaries are being crossed, and say "No!" What I have taken on as a habitual attitude is the kind of anger that is a smouldering resentment, a feeling that I've been had, an inability to let go of the past or see life from a new angle.
This frees me to change. When I discover resentment within me, I can try on a different attitude without fearing I am "suppressing my anger" - a big no-no in psychology. Likewise, when I feel strongly about something that is not as I think it should be, I can express strength and passion without being cruel or vendictive, and that is an attitude I need to practice, since I am resistant to it.
The point in looking inside is to free ourselves, not create more rules. The point is freedom - to have more options, not fewer.
Your thoughts are welcome - I'd appreciate hearing what others think.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/5/2006 10:02:00 AM
Wow!
You've covered a heck of a lot of ground in a few short statements - my head is spinning!
I feel like I want to expound on each sentence and point out that there's a lot more to it! But I think you are making a point only on how we process our anger regardless of the source of any particular situation.
If I am personally resentful about a relationship or work or community issue, I've been developing a new way of dealing and it is working! You talked about changing our mental processes to get rid of old anger patterns. My counselor said this is a fairly new concept in the psychological world. The old world required us to dig into childhood issues to heal the root cause but it also believe that many of our habits were hard-wired. The new thinking has discovered that our minds can create new neural-paths to our thinking processes when we practice and eventually by-passing the old thinking habits will become natural thru practice. I find this very encouraging.
I look inside myself to find what my desired longer-term goal is and then I try to overlook the small annoyances in favor of grooming my thoughts for my larger goals. I've spent a lot of year getting to this newer place of thinking and it is working for me - like you said. Rethinking old ways of being angry so that we can better serve our deeper goals which are usually a desire for being understood and for connecting somehow.
You also pointed out that a lot of our feelings are not conscious and we tend to go on automatic in our rages and "pet peeves". Are you saying that a sign to watch for is a routine in our angry thinking? That is, if it feels routine, it is probably an old record and most probably no longer valid?
My fear in all this heady stuff is that in practicing positive thought patterns, I might be going into denial or suppressing feelings that will come back later in my head - with a vengeance. I am not entirely confident that I am doing it correctly, so I have this underlying fear that I'm missing the point.
I've always had issues with anger - other people's and my own. I tend to be terrified of it, and avoid it at all costs. I've suppressed much of my own anger, and have wound up often feeling like a victim and carrying resentment.
From my work with Shalom and other places, I've come to see two different emotions that I have both been calling anger:
- Passion - I may feel strongly about something, such as the war, and express my thoughts with energy. Or someone may be violating or about to violate a boundary of mine, and I say "No!" strongly, with power, with energy. I have often suppressed this energy from being expressed in my life.
- Resentment - I may dislike something that has happened to me, or some situation that I cannot change, and develop an attitude of feeling like a victim, powerless and abused. It may include the desire for vengence, or withdrawal, or the belief that I don't deserve to be happy. I have often indulged in this attitude, and suffered a lot from it.
The psychological technique of emotional release, where one brings an emotion to the surface and expresses it strongly and bodily with the purpose of releasing it, has been controversial in the field of psychology. It is done in co-counseling, primal therapy, in Shalom work, in Pathwork, in the Mankind Project, and many other systems of healing and growth with great effectiveness, yet many professionals remain against it. I've puzzled over that a lot, because it has been very effective for me. This distinction above holds the key for me.
Emotions that are habitual attitudes are strengthened the more they are practiced. Emotions that have been suppressed and are brought into our awareness give us a new option that we were resisting before. Those of us who habitually feel rage, or resentment, or sadness, or powerlessness, are not people who need to practice those emotions - we need to practice new options, new ways of looking at life, new ways of reacting to situations. Those of us who have denied the existence of certain emotions, or suppressed the expression of them, need to understand why we are cutting off part of who we are, and one method of understanding is to get us to experience it and see what we have been resisting.
What I have resisted is personal power - the kind of anger that rises up when my boundaries are being crossed, and say "No!" What I have taken on as a habitual attitude is the kind of anger that is a smouldering resentment, a feeling that I've been had, an inability to let go of the past or see life from a new angle.
This frees me to change. When I discover resentment within me, I can try on a different attitude without fearing I am "suppressing my anger" - a big no-no in psychology. Likewise, when I feel strongly about something that is not as I think it should be, I can express strength and passion without being cruel or vendictive, and that is an attitude I need to practice, since I am resistant to it.
The point in looking inside is to free ourselves, not create more rules. The point is freedom - to have more options, not fewer.
Your thoughts are welcome - I'd appreciate hearing what others think.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/5/2006 10:02:00 AM
Wow!
You've covered a heck of a lot of ground in a few short statements - my head is spinning!
I feel like I want to expound on each sentence and point out that there's a lot more to it! But I think you are making a point only on how we process our anger regardless of the source of any particular situation.
If I am personally resentful about a relationship or work or community issue, I've been developing a new way of dealing and it is working! You talked about changing our mental processes to get rid of old anger patterns. My counselor said this is a fairly new concept in the psychological world. The old world required us to dig into childhood issues to heal the root cause but it also believe that many of our habits were hard-wired. The new thinking has discovered that our minds can create new neural-paths to our thinking processes when we practice and eventually by-passing the old thinking habits will become natural thru practice. I find this very encouraging.
I look inside myself to find what my desired longer-term goal is and then I try to overlook the small annoyances in favor of grooming my thoughts for my larger goals. I've spent a lot of year getting to this newer place of thinking and it is working for me - like you said. Rethinking old ways of being angry so that we can better serve our deeper goals which are usually a desire for being understood and for connecting somehow.
You also pointed out that a lot of our feelings are not conscious and we tend to go on automatic in our rages and "pet peeves". Are you saying that a sign to watch for is a routine in our angry thinking? That is, if it feels routine, it is probably an old record and most probably no longer valid?
My fear in all this heady stuff is that in practicing positive thought patterns, I might be going into denial or suppressing feelings that will come back later in my head - with a vengeance. I am not entirely confident that I am doing it correctly, so I have this underlying fear that I'm missing the point.
Sunday, June 4, 2006
No one's coming
I played piano a lot as a child. I found in the world of music a way that I could express the unexpressable inside of me. No one would tell me, "Don't be sad. Don't be angry" when I played sad or angry music. Somehow, music escaped the judgments and limitations placed on other expressions of feeling in our house.
When I played piano on a summer day, a fantasy would always come to mind. Someone who knew much more about music than anyone in my family or our social circle would be walking down the street, and hear my sound drift through the windows, and would stop and listen in amazement. "Someone in that house is a genius!", they would say; "Someone doesn't know the gifts he has! They need to be discovered!". And they would come in, and whisk me away to a musical school where I would be trained, and my genius would be discovered, and I would become world-renoun, and finally recognized as having something of value inside of me.
As an adult, I have a similar alternate fantasy. There is an island I periodically swim to - it is unknown, and involves hiking to a deserted part of a river, swimming across the river, climbing up rocks and down a deep slope on the other side, and there I can lay in the sun in total isolation and peace. I would do this journey, and then imagine some beautiful woman would come along, discover me, and make love to me in the sun and the wildness.
The odd thing is that I first make myself totally unreachable, and then hope that someone will reach me.
A mother would do that. If a child was lost in the woods, she would search day and night, climb over every hill, call on everyone she could think of to help, and would not give up until all hope was gone. One of the comforts of being a child in a loving family is you can try as hard as you want to hurt your parents, or destroy your world, or isolate, or be obnoxious, or become unreachable, and the parent's love and patience will always overcome the distance you create. Love will always win out. And some of us, since we did not get that at home, are still trying to get it as adults. Unfortunately, as adults, we are far more capable of hiding and isolating ourselves, of creating barriers to intimacy, of sitting in victimhood and resentments, and we can succeed, if not in actually stopping love, in preventing ourselves from experiencing love, sometimes for the rest of our lives.
This weekend, I realized that no one is coming. I can make the difficulty of getting through my barriers so difficult that no one will ever succeed. I can create a world so full of victimization that no one could ever convince me I am loved. That I can sit as a victim forever on my isolated hilltop, waiting for someone to come along and save me from myself. And that I am now poweful enough that no one can tear me away from my own insistance.
The thought of letting go of my defenses is terrifying. I've been hurt too many times. I don't want to be fooled again. Each mere glance causes years of hurt and betrayal to flare up before my eyes, and once again, I feel betrayed, and withdraw more.
Yet no one is coming. No one can save me from myself. I will be all alone unless *I* take down the walls and do not make it so difficult.
It is my choice whether or not to know love.
Friday, June 2, 2006
I am here
I'm at Shalom Mountain once again, the last in a series of four advanced leadership training classes. I arrived warmly welcomed, as I have gotten used to, and glad to see everyone again.
Joy, one of the leaders, started by talking about how supportive our community is. I was immediately triggered and went into anger and withdrawal for the evening. It took me until this morning to figure out what that was all about.
My family was less than ideal. Over time, I have developed a picture in my mind of what that ideal family would have looked like, and have been unconsciously trying to recreate it in the communities I have built. But nothing ever matches up to my ideal, and I am always dissatisfied. When Joy talked about us being a community, I immediately compared Shalom to my ideal, and it was sadly lacking. "Why don't people call me? Why doesn't anyone offer to lead a retreat with me? Where are they when I need them? This is no community!" I spent the rest of the evening withdrawn, perhaps "punishing" them for not meeting my standards.
This morning, I thought again about my happy dog meditation that I wrote about before. If I was a dog, I would not be comparing them to some ideal. I would not have expectations. I would notice I was with people who were happy, and who hugged me. I would notice that there was good things to eat and fun things to do. I would be happy for what is.
I thought about my relationships. I get angry when people aren't as I think they should be. I want those close to me to provide the perfect family I never had. If I looked at what I actually have, and don't compare it to what I think should be, it's pretty good. There's a lot to enjoy.
Our capacity to remember the past and create the future is wonderful, astounding, and indespensible. Yet, at times, that ability interferes with our ability to actually see and feel what is around us in this moment. I can easily act according to past spectors and future demands instead of present realities, and it often makes me miserable.
But at long last, I am here. I just took a shower, and my body feels fresh. Breakfast is waiting, and friendly, loving people surround me. Forget these idealistic visions of community - at least, for the moment. Right now, now is the place to be.
Joy, one of the leaders, started by talking about how supportive our community is. I was immediately triggered and went into anger and withdrawal for the evening. It took me until this morning to figure out what that was all about.
My family was less than ideal. Over time, I have developed a picture in my mind of what that ideal family would have looked like, and have been unconsciously trying to recreate it in the communities I have built. But nothing ever matches up to my ideal, and I am always dissatisfied. When Joy talked about us being a community, I immediately compared Shalom to my ideal, and it was sadly lacking. "Why don't people call me? Why doesn't anyone offer to lead a retreat with me? Where are they when I need them? This is no community!" I spent the rest of the evening withdrawn, perhaps "punishing" them for not meeting my standards.
This morning, I thought again about my happy dog meditation that I wrote about before. If I was a dog, I would not be comparing them to some ideal. I would not have expectations. I would notice I was with people who were happy, and who hugged me. I would notice that there was good things to eat and fun things to do. I would be happy for what is.
I thought about my relationships. I get angry when people aren't as I think they should be. I want those close to me to provide the perfect family I never had. If I looked at what I actually have, and don't compare it to what I think should be, it's pretty good. There's a lot to enjoy.
Our capacity to remember the past and create the future is wonderful, astounding, and indespensible. Yet, at times, that ability interferes with our ability to actually see and feel what is around us in this moment. I can easily act according to past spectors and future demands instead of present realities, and it often makes me miserable.
But at long last, I am here. I just took a shower, and my body feels fresh. Breakfast is waiting, and friendly, loving people surround me. Forget these idealistic visions of community - at least, for the moment. Right now, now is the place to be.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Biking to Blacksberg
My 19-year old son announced two weeks ago that he was moving to Blacksburg. He announced a few days later that he was biking there. He's never biked more than a few hours on an afternoon. After a few cautionary remarks about building up for such a trip, I succumed to his passion, and he took off on a new bike with a new tent and other various accessaries that I helped him buy. He arrived safely in Blacksburg Monday evening, after 7 days on the road.
A friend heard him remark, "My dad lets me make my own mistakes!" Sometimes I feel like I didn't do too bad. :-)
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/30/2006 11:02:00 PM
I wonder what your son likes about Blacksburg--scenery, people he knows there? I hope he's just kidding about Hitler/Naziism. Andy
A friend heard him remark, "My dad lets me make my own mistakes!" Sometimes I feel like I didn't do too bad. :-)
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/30/2006 11:02:00 PM
I wonder what your son likes about Blacksburg--scenery, people he knows there? I hope he's just kidding about Hitler/Naziism. Andy
Playa del Fuego trip report
Okay, a simple "here's what I did" blog entry, instead of my usual philosophic wanderings. I went to Playa del Fuego last weekend - a smaller east coast version of Burning Man. I heard rumors that people got wasted a lot, and pictured avoiding piles of puke, and people unable to carry on a conversation, but I went anyway - mainly because nudity was allowed, and I love being able to walk around outside with nothing between me and the sky.
Luckily, the event was not what I feared, and I had a great time. There was a lot of alcohol and some marijuana, but people were generally very outgoing, connective, huggy, and not of the get wasted and make a fool of yourself variety. There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp.
It struck me a lot like a pagan festival, with some differences. There were no workshops (one person said, there was no pretending interest in going to workshops). There was a lot of creativity present - wonderful structures, artwork, inventive themes, music, that people obviously spent months preparing, just for this festival.
I was totally bummed when I first came in, because I did not see one person without clothes, not even topless, and really didn't want to be the only one at a new place I knew nothing about. My solution was to have Beth paint a pair of shorts on my naked body, so I might appear clothed unless someone actually looked closely - that was fun. But as the temperature climbed, many more joined my preferred dress style, and I was very comfortable.
There were some events, includng a very well-done stage event by "the zombies", including many pieces from various musicals, done quite well as solos or choir - they obviously put months of work into it. These were not just partyers - they were artists and free thinkers.
The group is really a bunch of pyromaniacs - everything had to do with fire. They would build elaborate huge pieces of art, then burn them while everyone stood around, watching and cheering. Sunday night was the big burn - a pony on top of a pile of lumber the size of a small house! It was very well done - the pony was made of something that lasted about 15 minutes in the intense heat, so that you periodically saw its black siloutte through the flames. The heat was so intense the crowd had to stand a huge distance away. There were fire marshals present, and they were both serious as well as very fun and into it. They danced and joked. After about 10 minutes into the burn, one of them said through a loud speaker, "The fire is now over. You all must return to your tents! Please evacuate the area at once! And those of you who were waiting for the pony ride, we have some bad news..." Everyone just laughed and kept enjoying the fire.
There were dozens of fire spinners, all different kinds, doing tricks I'd never seen before - fire on chains, on huge batons, on finger wands, spinning all arround their bodies, some of them naked. Very impressive. I think the most impressive was a guy on stilts with a huge baton lit on both ends. While he performed, he reached down and set his own stilts on fire! They were nicely designed to only burn a certain distance, but it was very impressive.
People did really crazy, fun things with their bodies, and I let myself go exhibitionistic, and had a blast. People were dancing on top of a bus, and I got up there and danced where the whole camp could see me. For the big burn in the evening, I got these glow necklaces and wrapped them around my balls - it got a lot of stares and laughs, and I loved it. I danced around the fire like that, and had a great time. Some people like to set fire to things; others like to whip each other, others like to spend their lives in monestaries - and I like to run around naked. I felt really free to have my little kink, and still be accepted by the group there. May we all always find a place where we can safely satisfy our curious desires.
Sunday I spent some time trying to connect with my group, and repair some of the damage from being a space cadet on Saturday and ignoring everyone - I felt like I succeeded in connecting with many of them. They are a group that has been together for years, and goes to many events, especially 4 Quarters Farm, where I haven't been for a long time. The leader especially liked me and welcomed me into their group, and hoped I would do more things with them. It felt good, although I don't know how may other events I want to fit into my schedule.
Saturday night I didn't sleep at all - noise and very bumpy ground, so I left late Sunday night after the big burn. It was SO good to sleep in a real bed after just one night of misery on the ground.
The camp belongs to the vietnam vets motorcycle club, so there were all these stereotypical guys in jeans jackets with sewn on emblems, and big motorcycles, on one side of the camp, kind of sitting there and staring at us. They were friendly, but didn't mix much. It was an odd sight.
That's it - my decadent weekend before I had to go back to programming for the government. They asked me how my weekend was, and I just said, "fine", and smiled.Luckily, the event was not what I feared, and I had a great time. There was a lot of alcohol and some marijuana, but people were generally very outgoing, connective, huggy, and not of the get wasted and make a fool of yourself variety. There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp.
It struck me a lot like a pagan festival, with some differences. There were no workshops (one person said, there was no pretending interest in going to workshops). There was a lot of creativity present - wonderful structures, artwork, inventive themes, music, that people obviously spent months preparing, just for this festival.
I was totally bummed when I first came in, because I did not see one person without clothes, not even topless, and really didn't want to be the only one at a new place I knew nothing about. My solution was to have Beth paint a pair of shorts on my naked body, so I might appear clothed unless someone actually looked closely - that was fun. But as the temperature climbed, many more joined my preferred dress style, and I was very comfortable.
There were some events, includng a very well-done stage event by "the zombies", including many pieces from various musicals, done quite well as solos or choir - they obviously put months of work into it. These were not just partyers - they were artists and free thinkers.
The group is really a bunch of pyromaniacs - everything had to do with fire. They would build elaborate huge pieces of art, then burn them while everyone stood around, watching and cheering. Sunday night was the big burn - a pony on top of a pile of lumber the size of a small house! It was very well done - the pony was made of something that lasted about 15 minutes in the intense heat, so that you periodically saw its black siloutte through the flames. The heat was so intense the crowd had to stand a huge distance away. There were fire marshals present, and they were both serious as well as very fun and into it. They danced and joked. After about 10 minutes into the burn, one of them said through a loud speaker, "The fire is now over. You all must return to your tents! Please evacuate the area at once! And those of you who were waiting for the pony ride, we have some bad news..." Everyone just laughed and kept enjoying the fire.
There were dozens of fire spinners, all different kinds, doing tricks I'd never seen before - fire on chains, on huge batons, on finger wands, spinning all arround their bodies, some of them naked. Very impressive. I think the most impressive was a guy on stilts with a huge baton lit on both ends. While he performed, he reached down and set his own stilts on fire! They were nicely designed to only burn a certain distance, but it was very impressive.
People did really crazy, fun things with their bodies, and I let myself go exhibitionistic, and had a blast. People were dancing on top of a bus, and I got up there and danced where the whole camp could see me. For the big burn in the evening, I got these glow necklaces and wrapped them around my balls - it got a lot of stares and laughs, and I loved it. I danced around the fire like that, and had a great time. Some people like to set fire to things; others like to whip each other, others like to spend their lives in monestaries - and I like to run around naked. I felt really free to have my little kink, and still be accepted by the group there. May we all always find a place where we can safely satisfy our curious desires.
Sunday I spent some time trying to connect with my group, and repair some of the damage from being a space cadet on Saturday and ignoring everyone - I felt like I succeeded in connecting with many of them. They are a group that has been together for years, and goes to many events, especially 4 Quarters Farm, where I haven't been for a long time. The leader especially liked me and welcomed me into their group, and hoped I would do more things with them. It felt good, although I don't know how may other events I want to fit into my schedule.
Saturday night I didn't sleep at all - noise and very bumpy ground, so I left late Sunday night after the big burn. It was SO good to sleep in a real bed after just one night of misery on the ground.
The camp belongs to the vietnam vets motorcycle club, so there were all these stereotypical guys in jeans jackets with sewn on emblems, and big motorcycles, on one side of the camp, kind of sitting there and staring at us. They were friendly, but didn't mix much. It was an odd sight.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/3/2006 5:18:00 AM
I’ve been pricked by some of the comments in this thread from my own female experience in getting hit on and getting seduced. David has a point in that it does depend on whether the sexual approach is coming from someone potentially desirable or repulsive and that usually comes from my own unconscious gut feeling. So, in a way, I think a person who makes advances is vulnerable to unexpected consequences if his motives are truly harmless. But how is the woman to know what the motives of a stranger may be?
When I worked the Renn Fest, we also had a system set up to collar potential molesters and, if needed, remove them from the festival and it happened every single day. The festival is deliberately full of sexual innuendos, open teasing and flirting everywhere, so drawing the line between safe and harmful is extremely important and an art in itself.
I agree with David that ideally there is no harm in asking for favors. But there should also, ideally, be no harm in saying no. Here’s where I get confused. If the guy asks and the woman is offended, then who becomes the victim and who is the perpetrator now? If the woman were not offended, neither would be at odds, whether the answer were yes or no. If the guy persists beyond the answer, then he has made himself into a victim by his own perpetrations. It can get pretty messy in any case.
And for us by-standers, we get to draw our own judgments of how we feel about the scene and how we imagine we would have behaved in the matter.
So I’m commenting from the sidelines also with some emotion because there were times when I would have liked a big brother to get me out of a situation and there were other times when I was really proud of myself handling a request from a scary flirt and ending up with a friend instead of an enemy.
David asked some pressing questions [who is it you are protecting? Is it working? Who is it that is being shamed? Is that working?]
I really don’t see shame in asking someone to correct their behavior if it frightens people - and if the person honestly had no intent of harm. And leadership roles can only offer directives. None of us have control over how another person chooses to respond .
At what point do I decide that a place is too dangerous for me for fear of harm? At what point do I fear to ask for what a I want because I might get excluded for my asking? Where do I fit in any given community?
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/31/2006 7:32:00 PM
David, there's a lot of energy in your response. I have merely reported what happened and expressed my approval. You are welcome, of course, to disagree with me, but your offense is not my doing.
There are social norms to be considered. While social norms are not necessarily moral edicts, a wise man will consider what effect his actions will have when he breaks them. Social norms are often relative. Your distinction between asking permission and entering a tent is your own - many would draw the line elsewhere, and in this case, obviously did. The man in question apparently misjudged the consequences of his actions, and subsequently paid the price. That is not a condemnation, merely observation.
Comment posted by David
at 5/31/2006 7:22:00 AM
Gene,
Your final question is the key. You ask what the line of responsibility is when person a upsets person b. Implied in the question is that person a is some how in charge of person b's upset. I believe person a can be responsible for what they say and do, but not the effects it has on others. So if person a is goofy, ugly, has a big nose, a scarey face, gets nervouse when he talks, he is responsible for all these things to the extent that he has some control, but it is not his responsibility that people make up that he is dangerous, weird, preverted or frightening.
Gene, I can imagine a nudist having judgements about your painted on shorts and another person feeling your nakedness itself violated their sense of safety or appropriateness. If you are responsible for their emotions and reactions, shouldn't you be thrown out of the event? If the standard is inappropriate or weird behavior, then the jury has no repsonsibility but to make stuff up and gang up on someone. For me, we're better off with a standard that has to do with a actual violation rather than perceived violation. Going into a tent or lifting a skirt without asking are actual violations. Asking for permission to do those things is the behavior we want. You once came to a party here dressed as a large cock. Most people enjoyed it. Some probably thought it was inappropriate or may have experienced it as a violation. Upon learning that someone finds it weird or threatening, should I have thrown you out?
If there is an awkward man who has trouble communicating about his sexuality and he goes to a hippie gathering and asks people for permission to touch them and gets in trouble for that and gets thrown out, what happens to his frustrration level. How will he get his needs met. By shaming him for asking rather than doing, do we not help create a predator who does not ask before he acts?
Gene, who is it you are protecting? Is it working? Who is it that is being shamed? Is that working?
Did these women get supported in being victims or empowered? Did they learn that boundaries are something external that others look after to protect them or did they learn to separate boundaries from their own judgements and express clearly what they did and did not want. Did this man get supported in honest expression or looped back into a cycle of shame?
What are your responsibilities as a leader?
If I ask you for a blow job, and you have me ridiculed by the group, I see punishing sanctions, but is that a clear boundary. What happened to the option or responsibility to say, "No."
Let's say you go to a meditation. Afterwards you ask a woman to go home with you. SHe finds it inappropriate, thinks you are weird, tells everyone that your were inappropiately hitting on her. When the medition group leader uninvites you to future events, would you have me celebrate the "groups boundaries"?
David
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/30/2006 9:33:00 PM
It did strike me a bit like a Rainbow Gathering, but not as drugy, and better organized. You can get info for the next one at http://playadelfuego.org .
Comment posted by Gene
at 5/30/2006 9:31:00 PM
Yes, there was more I didn't mention. The requests were done of women who were comlete strangers to him, approached in their tents or other places where they were alone. He also lifted skirts, commented on what kind of underwear women were wearing (or not), asked if he could watch someone while he jerked off, etc. I only witnessed one incident where he went under the skirt of someone, but I heard tales from several women of other adventures. He apparently upset several dozen women in a very short period of time. His behavior was definitely not within expected norms.
Perhaps the deeper question is, where is the line of responsibility drawn when person A upsets person B?
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/30/2006 9:25:00 PM
Gene, I've heard of "Burning Man", and now, thanks for telling us about "Playa Del Fuego" and your experience there. Please tell us about it ahead of time next year so we can go if we wish; is there a website? I used to go to the hippie-like Rainbow Gatherings, where nudity abounds. And I agree with dealing with inappropriate behavior appropriately. Andy
Comment posted by David
at 5/30/2006 8:49:00 PM
Gene,
I'm scratching my head over this one. Are you really saying you celebrate the fact that the organizers threw someone out for asking permission to touch breasts?
What is it you prefer? That he hide his desires? That he hide his sexuality? That he cosmically know who does or doesn't want their breasts touched?
Or should he assume that all women don't want their breasts touched? Or should he recognize he is unwanted and assume that no woman would want to have a lowlife like HIMself touch their breasts. Should he just give up on a sex life? Not all people have the great people skills that you do Gene. What would you have them do, when they are horny and don't know what the other person desires?
I'm quite riled up over this and yet, there must be more to the story. My soap box is making creaking noises as I jump up and down.
Please tell me there is some information missing in this report.
"There was only one incident of inappropriate behavior I saw - many women got hit on by this one guy who asked them if he could play with their breasts, or other things - he was reported and quickly kicked out, which made me feel there were good boundaries at the camp. "
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
The Present of Life
Last weekend at Shalom Mountain, I was on a high Saturday night. I was really loving being among all these enlightened, intelligent people who were aware of themselves, could own their stuff, could really hear each other, and who were loving and open. I felt so lucky to be there and to be absorbing this energy.
But Sunday morning, for unknown reasons, my mood shifted. As we sat in the closing circle, I listened to the overwhelming gratitude people had for the weekend and for Shalom, and how there was no other place like Shalom - and I sat grumpy, saying to myself, "What on earth are they talking about? Did I miss something? Geesh, what's so wonderful about it? It's just another retreat center like all the others. Why are you all making such a big deal about it?"
The contrast in my moods couldn't have been greater. But it was not only my mood that had shifted, but the beliefs I was entertaining. And I caught myself red-handed - I remembered that I had felt another way just last night, and today I was building walls to separate myself emotionally before our parting.
I've had to deal with mood swings much of my life, and lately I learned a new way of handling them. When I find myself with two contradicting realities, I can usually discover which one is the real one by this rule: The voice that never changes, that repeats itself over and over, that never has anything new to say, is a dead voice. It doesn't learn, or take in new information, or alter its opinion. But the voice that shifts, and learns, and grows, and changes - that voice is alive and real, and interacting with the real world, ever learning, ever growing.
The voice in my head Sunday morning had been there a million times before, and was always the same - cynical, separating, judgmental. It had nothing new to say. The voice Saturday night was amazed by what I had seen, and saw anew a bit of what I wanted my path and future to be. It was alive and growing and present.
I believe that our lives consist of the summation of all the moments we are present. All of the moments we are not in the present, we are either rehearsing the past, or rehearsing the future. In other words, they are just reruns - we've thought them before, and repeating them adds nothing to our lives. And I wonder, how much have I actually lived in my life? Ten years? Five? And how can I start to live more of my life each day that is left to me, filling it with new awareness?
But Sunday morning, for unknown reasons, my mood shifted. As we sat in the closing circle, I listened to the overwhelming gratitude people had for the weekend and for Shalom, and how there was no other place like Shalom - and I sat grumpy, saying to myself, "What on earth are they talking about? Did I miss something? Geesh, what's so wonderful about it? It's just another retreat center like all the others. Why are you all making such a big deal about it?"
The contrast in my moods couldn't have been greater. But it was not only my mood that had shifted, but the beliefs I was entertaining. And I caught myself red-handed - I remembered that I had felt another way just last night, and today I was building walls to separate myself emotionally before our parting.
I've had to deal with mood swings much of my life, and lately I learned a new way of handling them. When I find myself with two contradicting realities, I can usually discover which one is the real one by this rule: The voice that never changes, that repeats itself over and over, that never has anything new to say, is a dead voice. It doesn't learn, or take in new information, or alter its opinion. But the voice that shifts, and learns, and grows, and changes - that voice is alive and real, and interacting with the real world, ever learning, ever growing.
The voice in my head Sunday morning had been there a million times before, and was always the same - cynical, separating, judgmental. It had nothing new to say. The voice Saturday night was amazed by what I had seen, and saw anew a bit of what I wanted my path and future to be. It was alive and growing and present.
I believe that our lives consist of the summation of all the moments we are present. All of the moments we are not in the present, we are either rehearsing the past, or rehearsing the future. In other words, they are just reruns - we've thought them before, and repeating them adds nothing to our lives. And I wonder, how much have I actually lived in my life? Ten years? Five? And how can I start to live more of my life each day that is left to me, filling it with new awareness?
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