Do we have the right to not be abused? Seems like a silly question. Of course - no one should be abused. It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. Plain and simple.
However, there's a problem with this, especially for past abuse. It already happened. There is no should or shoudn't about it. It happened.
What does a right mean? Legally, rights don't stop anyone from violating us - rights merely give us the ability to sue and gain some recompense for our pain. In short, for some acts, we have a legal right to get even. Yes, funds recovered may go towards repaying losses, etc., but mostly, it satisfies our sense of justice, and also deters it from happening to others, because there is a consequence.
But when we are simply talking about human interaction, where someone is not kind to another, or acts selfishly, or says something cruel, what then? What does the concept of having a right buy us, when there is no legal recourse? We certainly have the right to take action to avoid further abuse. We have a right and an obligation to protect ourselves and those we love, even if the abuse is merely perceived or just a possibility. But when something has already happened, what then? What does our "right" buy us? Do we have the right to a life free from pain and all unhappiness? Who do we sue when we stub our toe on a rock, or get sick, or simply don't like life the way it is at the moment?
I find I often take offense at small things that others say and do, from the driver on the road cutting me off, to a friend who doesn't show as much kindness as I think they should. I am offended because I believe somehow that I have a right to be spared those annoyances, that I don't deserve it, that it should be different, that people should act differently. What effect does my belief in rights, shoulds and shouldn'ts get me? I get to feel like the righteous victim, the insulted one, the one who has justified anger, the one who wouldn't be as mean as the other guy. It gives me the ability to separate myself from the offender and create a world where I am good and he is bad.
To think of dropping my war cry against past abuses in my life seems immoral to me. And yet, what do I gain by living in resentment? I know full well that most of what I am angry at are acts done in innocence or ignorance. Yes, I've been hurt. Do I want to add to that the illusion that that they plotted evily against me?
What if we just dropped all past claims to being right, protected, loved, defended? What if we dropped our cases against people who made us feel violated? Then the past simply becomes our life, our story, our path, what happened to us. We no longer have a special corner in the hall of victimhood - we have simply suffered pain just like everyone else. We would be left with dealing with what life has given us - of finding some answer to the question why, of making some sense out of it, and incorporating it into our life experience.
What if there is really no one to blame? What if bad things just happen? What would life be like if we let go of our anger, our resentment, and accepted the life handed us, no matter how little we understand why?
What do you think?
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Motivated by passion
For the past several months, I've gotten up in the morning and danced to loud rock music, and I love it. I was inspired to do this from a workshop I took, where I could see the energy and life that this music gave us, and decided I wanted that in my life.
Previously, I had always loved quiet and silence in the morning. I would meditate, or sit outside quietly and look at the trees and sky, or listen to very gentle, soothing music. This was also something I did that stirred me greatly, although in a different way. The peace radiated into me, and started my day off feeling present and alive.
I switched to rock music, not because there was anything wrong with the morning quiet, but because I developed a new passion that I followed. There was never a rejection of the way I used to do things - I still remember the wonderful peace I got from those mornings. But right now, I am choosing the energy and life that rock music brings me.
Because I never rejected my previous way of doing things, there is no resistance to it. If I was at someone's house who wanted quiet in the morning, I could easily go right back to that mindset, and fully embrace the silence and reverence. I might miss the rock music, but I would not dislike the quiet. I now have two loves in my morning life, and I can be with either one, and be happy.
I have also not fallen into the trap of saying, rock music is better than quiet - or thinking that this is the "right" way of doing things, or it is somehow superior. Those attitudes would have the effect of cutting me off from the joy of my past, and create the fantasy that I was getting approval for having found the right answer. No, each morning, I get up, and the rock music calls to me. I respond from passion, not from righteousness, or having found the best way. Someday, the passion of the quiet may again call instead, and I hope I am awake enough to respond.
It is possible to act from love instead of from fear.
Previously, I had always loved quiet and silence in the morning. I would meditate, or sit outside quietly and look at the trees and sky, or listen to very gentle, soothing music. This was also something I did that stirred me greatly, although in a different way. The peace radiated into me, and started my day off feeling present and alive.
I switched to rock music, not because there was anything wrong with the morning quiet, but because I developed a new passion that I followed. There was never a rejection of the way I used to do things - I still remember the wonderful peace I got from those mornings. But right now, I am choosing the energy and life that rock music brings me.
Because I never rejected my previous way of doing things, there is no resistance to it. If I was at someone's house who wanted quiet in the morning, I could easily go right back to that mindset, and fully embrace the silence and reverence. I might miss the rock music, but I would not dislike the quiet. I now have two loves in my morning life, and I can be with either one, and be happy.
I have also not fallen into the trap of saying, rock music is better than quiet - or thinking that this is the "right" way of doing things, or it is somehow superior. Those attitudes would have the effect of cutting me off from the joy of my past, and create the fantasy that I was getting approval for having found the right answer. No, each morning, I get up, and the rock music calls to me. I respond from passion, not from righteousness, or having found the best way. Someday, the passion of the quiet may again call instead, and I hope I am awake enough to respond.
It is possible to act from love instead of from fear.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Surprised by Gratutide
The workshop last night in my home was graced by 15 people - a lot, I thought, for a summer Sunday evening. I felt a bit awkward about my presentation - not polished, casual, going over a book I had not thoroughly studied. Yet the evening absorbed people's attention.
It struck me that the magic that happens often in my home is not so much due to my expertise as to the experience and openness of the people who fill the space with their energy.
Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love, I felt an urge to cry, without any idea what the feeling was about. I kept picturing the evening, the people, the energy, as I let feelings come up. I found myself imagining remembering this evening as if from years in the future, long after for some reason these evenings had ceased happening, and I found myself saying, that was a good time. This was the kind of evening I wanted to remember. And I was suprised to find an unusually strong gratitude in me - for the warmth and love of the people who had surrounded me that evening, for the intelligence and sensitivity of those who shared their thoughts and feelings, for the physical touch and intimacy of sitting together in the hot tub, defenses down, comfortable in our skins.
And I realized, there is probably more gratitude in me than I allow myself to be aware of. I am used to digging in the dirt, digging up the pain, the fear, the things that block me from living a free and joyous life; I am not used to looking for gratitude within me. Perhaps I am happier than I let myself know.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/29/2005 1:03:00 PM
gratitude is a wonderful emotion i think, and one i have felt more deeply as the years go by in my own life (somehow related also to not taking things for granted).... gene, i could not read your words without thinking of one thing....and that is my ongoing awe, respect and yes, gratitude for the gift you have and share with us in your ability to create the kind of gatherings and safe space that you seem to so naturally , yet somehow magically create time and time again.... do you even realize how rare and precious your gift is? just my thoughts, anita
It struck me that the magic that happens often in my home is not so much due to my expertise as to the experience and openness of the people who fill the space with their energy.
Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love, I felt an urge to cry, without any idea what the feeling was about. I kept picturing the evening, the people, the energy, as I let feelings come up. I found myself imagining remembering this evening as if from years in the future, long after for some reason these evenings had ceased happening, and I found myself saying, that was a good time. This was the kind of evening I wanted to remember. And I was suprised to find an unusually strong gratitude in me - for the warmth and love of the people who had surrounded me that evening, for the intelligence and sensitivity of those who shared their thoughts and feelings, for the physical touch and intimacy of sitting together in the hot tub, defenses down, comfortable in our skins.
And I realized, there is probably more gratitude in me than I allow myself to be aware of. I am used to digging in the dirt, digging up the pain, the fear, the things that block me from living a free and joyous life; I am not used to looking for gratitude within me. Perhaps I am happier than I let myself know.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/29/2005 1:03:00 PM
gratitude is a wonderful emotion i think, and one i have felt more deeply as the years go by in my own life (somehow related also to not taking things for granted).... gene, i could not read your words without thinking of one thing....and that is my ongoing awe, respect and yes, gratitude for the gift you have and share with us in your ability to create the kind of gatherings and safe space that you seem to so naturally , yet somehow magically create time and time again.... do you even realize how rare and precious your gift is? just my thoughts, anita
Saturday, July 16, 2005
ADD and me
Shortly after starting this blog, I was diagnosed as having severe ADD - attention deficit disorder - and I've spent the past two months researching exactly what that means. Now I know why I start things like this blog with such enthusiasm, then get distracted by something else and leave it hanging.
I now have four diagnoses that I have accumulated, like trophies to my insistant introspection - dissociative amnesia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADD. They all overlap somewhat, and I've learned that these disorders often do occur together. They are more like attempts to describe someone's mental and emotional processes than actual discrete attributes, and I'm finding it helpful to have these little boxes to hold and identify the various behaviors of my brain that I observe.
The diagnoses of ADD has been dramatic for me. As I read through all the characteristics of adult ADD, the one that stands out is difficulty completing projects due to distraction. This raises huge feelings in me. I am constantly thinking of ideas, projects, plans, dreams, and I start many of them, only to let them fall by the wayside because something else has taken priority, or because I can't stay focused long enough to get to the finish line. I have done this my entire life.
The result is that even though I feel I am capable of great things in my life, I have had to give up dream after dream in a very slow, painful process that feels like I am giving up my life. When I look at my track record, I can see that it is unreasonable to expect that I will accomplish very many of my dreams at all; yet to give them up is excruciating.
With the ADD diagnoses, suddenly this all changes. I am now faced with the prospect of having a focus and consistency that will allow me to accomplish more. However, this means facing the ambiguity of picking up dreams again that I thought I had safely buried. I find I have become somewhat attached to the feeling of tragedy, rather than jumping at the possibility of new life. And then, there is also the fear that it won't work. What if nothing changes? Will I have to bury those dreams a second time?
Despite the turmoil, I am in high hopes of something changing radically for the better. I fit the descriptions of ADD very well. I have yet to start on any meds, but just understanding my own behavior is a huge relief, and I find I can take the characteristics of my own mind more into account when I plan things, so I don't sabotage myself as much.
So, this is who I am, for better or worse. And I must love who I am. I no longer want to hide. Any part of us we do not love will eventually come to control us. I am taking charge of my life, and I simply don't have time for shame.
I now have four diagnoses that I have accumulated, like trophies to my insistant introspection - dissociative amnesia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADD. They all overlap somewhat, and I've learned that these disorders often do occur together. They are more like attempts to describe someone's mental and emotional processes than actual discrete attributes, and I'm finding it helpful to have these little boxes to hold and identify the various behaviors of my brain that I observe.
The diagnoses of ADD has been dramatic for me. As I read through all the characteristics of adult ADD, the one that stands out is difficulty completing projects due to distraction. This raises huge feelings in me. I am constantly thinking of ideas, projects, plans, dreams, and I start many of them, only to let them fall by the wayside because something else has taken priority, or because I can't stay focused long enough to get to the finish line. I have done this my entire life.
The result is that even though I feel I am capable of great things in my life, I have had to give up dream after dream in a very slow, painful process that feels like I am giving up my life. When I look at my track record, I can see that it is unreasonable to expect that I will accomplish very many of my dreams at all; yet to give them up is excruciating.
With the ADD diagnoses, suddenly this all changes. I am now faced with the prospect of having a focus and consistency that will allow me to accomplish more. However, this means facing the ambiguity of picking up dreams again that I thought I had safely buried. I find I have become somewhat attached to the feeling of tragedy, rather than jumping at the possibility of new life. And then, there is also the fear that it won't work. What if nothing changes? Will I have to bury those dreams a second time?
Despite the turmoil, I am in high hopes of something changing radically for the better. I fit the descriptions of ADD very well. I have yet to start on any meds, but just understanding my own behavior is a huge relief, and I find I can take the characteristics of my own mind more into account when I plan things, so I don't sabotage myself as much.
So, this is who I am, for better or worse. And I must love who I am. I no longer want to hide. Any part of us we do not love will eventually come to control us. I am taking charge of my life, and I simply don't have time for shame.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Romance and Pain
Of all the things we humans do voluntarily, it seems that romance causes the most pain. We experience untold amounts of suffering, from the first insecurities of how to approach the opposite sex, to the pain of getting rejected, to the confusing stages of courtship where we don't know if we're wanted or not, to the actual relationship where all our baggage surfaces, and we learn (hopefully) how to distinguish between our baggage and our projections, to the horrible loss of leaving or being abandoned, to the lonely years of old age where companions are hard to find.
Given that evolution promotes lifeforms that flourish, and weeds out lifeforms whose nature creates a lot of internal stress and disharmony, I have to wonder how long our romantic period will last. After all, it's only been a century or two that we have lived with this concept of romance being the primary force that determines our mate. Is romance an evolutionary "mistake", and only after many generations of hard lessons will we find a better way of loving each other?
Given that evolution promotes lifeforms that flourish, and weeds out lifeforms whose nature creates a lot of internal stress and disharmony, I have to wonder how long our romantic period will last. After all, it's only been a century or two that we have lived with this concept of romance being the primary force that determines our mate. Is romance an evolutionary "mistake", and only after many generations of hard lessons will we find a better way of loving each other?
Starting off...
Looks like blogs are here to stay, so I'm starting this again, with the hopes that it will fill the need in me to put myself out there in the world, and stop hiding who I am.
Freeheart the person and Freeheart the business have merged more and more, as I have let go of the professional workshops and groups, and focused more on open and free gatherings where I can share myself and my ideas. So this is going to focus a lot on my experience of the world.
I can't help get into theory now and then - it's fun to pretend reality comes in nice, neat little boxes that can be labeled. But I intend to focus more on experience - being here now - believing that my experience of the world is ultimately the only source of truth.
So this will be partially a journal of my own path through this fascinating and bewildering thing called life, and as such, I hereby give myself permission in this blog to mess up, be "in my stuff", say things that may be irrelevant to anyone but me, and just be who I am. At the same time, it is my hope, and often my experience, that others will find commonality and value in my experience, and that this will spur others to experience their own path more deeply and with more awareness.
So, here we go!
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/25/2005 1:29:00 PM
"Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love"--Sounds great, Gene! We all love you. I wasn't there Sunday because of something else I didn't want to miss. I'm trying to learn how to reply within your blog; "Anonymous" is the only way for someone without their own blog or webpage. Andy
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/29/2005 10:17:00 AM
Hi! It is really you free in the world - WOW!!
Heidi
Freeheart the person and Freeheart the business have merged more and more, as I have let go of the professional workshops and groups, and focused more on open and free gatherings where I can share myself and my ideas. So this is going to focus a lot on my experience of the world.
I can't help get into theory now and then - it's fun to pretend reality comes in nice, neat little boxes that can be labeled. But I intend to focus more on experience - being here now - believing that my experience of the world is ultimately the only source of truth.
So this will be partially a journal of my own path through this fascinating and bewildering thing called life, and as such, I hereby give myself permission in this blog to mess up, be "in my stuff", say things that may be irrelevant to anyone but me, and just be who I am. At the same time, it is my hope, and often my experience, that others will find commonality and value in my experience, and that this will spur others to experience their own path more deeply and with more awareness.
So, here we go!
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/25/2005 1:29:00 PM
"Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love"--Sounds great, Gene! We all love you. I wasn't there Sunday because of something else I didn't want to miss. I'm trying to learn how to reply within your blog; "Anonymous" is the only way for someone without their own blog or webpage. Andy
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 5/29/2005 10:17:00 AM
Hi! It is really you free in the world - WOW!!
Heidi
Friday, January 7, 2005
The Paradox of Acceptance and Action
I have struggled a long time over the seeming paradox of accepting everything as it is and yet taking action in this world. The way I have come to look at it is this:
When I accept this moment, the now, the moment is not static. Within every moment is a kind of momentum that moves us forward. Evolution is a simple example of some irresistible force that has continued to produce creatures more and more aware of themselves and their universe. The now I am embracing is not only the static moment of how things are, it is that life force, the chi, that runs through everything, that causes continual renewal and growth.
Accepting the now means being aware of and yielding to that force within me in this moment - the "still small voice", the path I am on, the person I have learned I am becoming. All of these things imply movement for the future, as well as integration of the past. So, do I accept my grumpy attitude today? Yes - but I also accept the energy within me today that is slowly moving me towards a life of more peace. This means I don't have to fix myself, or fix the world - I just have to dance with it - to "play the chess game", instead of thinking I have a thousand serious moves left.
And cherishing the now means to fully see the miracle of that energy flow within me, to fully appreciate it, to get to know it, to feel gratitude for it, to even become fond of it - to have a deep love for it, for the divine within me, within all of us.
That's the theory, anyway :-) That is the direction I want to move.
When I accept this moment, the now, the moment is not static. Within every moment is a kind of momentum that moves us forward. Evolution is a simple example of some irresistible force that has continued to produce creatures more and more aware of themselves and their universe. The now I am embracing is not only the static moment of how things are, it is that life force, the chi, that runs through everything, that causes continual renewal and growth.
Accepting the now means being aware of and yielding to that force within me in this moment - the "still small voice", the path I am on, the person I have learned I am becoming. All of these things imply movement for the future, as well as integration of the past. So, do I accept my grumpy attitude today? Yes - but I also accept the energy within me today that is slowly moving me towards a life of more peace. This means I don't have to fix myself, or fix the world - I just have to dance with it - to "play the chess game", instead of thinking I have a thousand serious moves left.
And cherishing the now means to fully see the miracle of that energy flow within me, to fully appreciate it, to get to know it, to feel gratitude for it, to even become fond of it - to have a deep love for it, for the divine within me, within all of us.
That's the theory, anyway :-) That is the direction I want to move.
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