Shadow - The Final Frontier

I have become dedicated to the ancient edict, "Know thyself". If I am truly the creation of the divine, then getting to know myself is the most immediate way of getting to know the divine. And getting to know myself means getting to know the part of me in shadow as well as in light.

The Shadow is a Jungian term used to describe the parts of ourselves we are not aware of, that tend to act independent of our conscious desire and will. The shadow is simply a part of ourselves that the light of consciousness does not reach. It is not evil; it is simply unknown. Many of us hide our goodness as well as our faults within our shadow.

These days, I find myself digging into my shadow more and more. It is the part of me not yet known, not yet accepted or integrated into who I am. It is the final frontier - the part of me that has eluded my awareness the longest. In it, I believe, lies the secret to who I really am - a divine being on this earth in order to experience being human.

There is ugliness in the shadow, just as a wound can be ugly. But hiding the ugliness prevents help from ariving and healing from taking place. We often shrink from ugliness, especially our own, because we think it makes us bad. Thus we avoid the healing light of consciousness where we need it most.

In order to have the confidence to look into our shadow with curiosity instead of dread, we must know without a doubt that we are good, and what we find has nothing to do with our inherent worth. Otherwise, digging up dirt is just another way of confirming our suspicion that we do not deserve love.

Comment posted by Gene
at 7/9/2006 5:49:00 PM
Yes, all of me is good, including my shadow. The shadow is not something of evil - it is merely something I have hidden from myself. If I do not know I am divine, that means my divinity lies in shadow, and I need the light of consciousness to shine on it so I can know I am divine. Much of us lies in shadow, otherwise we would not act with the ignorance we do.

I hear you, Lee - I still like the word "ugliness" for a reason. Much of what people do, including myself, is ugly. War is ugly. Suicide bombers do ugly things. Politicians who server their own interests instead of the interests of their constituancy are ugly.

Ugly in my mind does not mean bad. A gaping wound in my foot can be ugly, if it is swollen, bleeding, and full of dirt. But the proper response to ugliness is to shine a light on what is ugly, give it careful attention, clean it up, care for it, and bring it back to a healthy place.

For me, this is a kind and loving way of looking at the things I do that I am ashamed of - I am not bad, but sometimes I look at how I act or think, and I cringe - I cringe because I see it is contrary to my divine nature. The person who does not cringe is no longer aware when he is far from his true nature.

Comment posted by Lee
at 6/29/2006 8:43:00 PM
Gene, you said: "In it [shadow], I believe, lies the secret to who I really am - a divine being on this earth in order to experience being human."
I believe the great discovery for you is that you are already a divine being.........you don't need to understand any more of yourself to reach that conclusion.............don't keep looking to find the divine...........feel the divine that is right there within you and look for the divine you haven't discovered!

Gene, you said " There is ugliness in the shadow, just as a wound can be ugly. But hiding the ugliness prevents help from ariving and healing from taking place. We often shrink from ugliness, especially our own, because we think it makes us bad. Thus we avoid the healing light of consciousness where we need it most."

Gene, I'd like to rewrite this..........There is love in the shadow, just as a wound can be love. But hiding the love prevents help from arriving and healing form taking place. We often shrink from love, especially our own, because we are afraid to recogniaze our greatness. Thus we avoid the healing light of consciousness where we need it most......right at home within ourselves.

Often shadow is associated with dark and dark is associated with negative..............there is great love in the shadow. There is not ugliness in my shadow............ugliness is in the eye of the beholder and I'm not ugly nor do I have any ugliness.

I believe that all of me is good, including my shadow; I'm a work in progress. I'm all good and there are good parts of me that I'm trying to make better.

I've spent way too much time on the negative side......I strive to be on the positive side and stay there and improve myself from the positive perspective.

Gene, thanks for giving me a venue to reaffirm my lovliness!

Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/29/2006 5:30:00 PM
I've been thinking about what both of you commented on about philosophies of the hidden self and getting to know the shadow.
It sounds like you are both intrigued more with the fearful elements (although you do mention the more desireable ones that may also be hidden.)

In my experience, I have been so deeply exposed to the "thou shalt nots" the forbidden rules of society, culture and peer groups the sense of shame and guilt that I've lost much of my child-like self confidence and desire for self-love.

I hope you are right that in my journey, I can re-discover how to love myself as much as I strive to love others!

I've been on a journey lately that speaks to the beauty within and I'm struggling with recognizing that inner peace. I think I am far too familiar with the fearful side (probably not my shadow at all anymore) I am quite a stranger to loving my own inner person as fully as I would like.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/29/2006 11:54:00 AM
I agree with what you say, Gene. I am not so familiar with Jungian psychology and the "shadow", but I know that Freudian psychology recognizes the id as well as the ego and the superego, and both Jung and Freud recognized the subconscious, I believe, and that it influences us without us fully realizing it. Eastern religion recognizes the chakras, energy centers in our body, which include the lowest chakra related to sex, reproduction, and self preservation, and that we need a balancing of the chakras, that each is a natural part of us. Religion tries to fill in gaps in scientific knowledge with faith and myths that sometimes turn out to be wrong in light of scientific discoveries. Modern science recognizes biological evolution leading to the development of humans, who rise above nature in our sense of morality, and our society, folkways, intelligence and technology, and exploring the universe, yet we are still a part of nature, still having physical needs and limitations including mortality regardless of what we may believe about an afterlife. I believe in living one life at a time. Christianity talks about "original sin" and our selfish nature, but I also believe in "original goodness", our natural feeling of love and caring for each other based on empathy aside from any religion-based belief in divine rewards and punishments or in a spiritual command to "love ye one another" or "love thy neighbor as thyself", which assumes that we do love ourselves, a healthy self-esteem and wanting to enjoy life. I agree with the saying "know thyself", including what is in our "shadow" or subconscious or selfish side of each of us as a basic part of ourselves. There is a saying, by some Jewish thinker, I believe, that being strong (morally) includes controlling our passions. Recently I went to a discussion of "Have we learned anything from religion?" I have found that I have some things to unlearn from my protestant Christian religious upbringing. During the 1960's, that wonderful golden age of love, flower power, and breaking free, there was the saying, "If it feels good do it, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody". I agree with what one Jewish thinker said, that "the good life" includes enjoyment as well as morality. Here's to the good life! Andy

The Would-Be Guru

It has been a real blow to my ego to discover, after I'd been writing this blog for several weeks, that the world has apparently not been desperately waiting to learn every profound thought and experience of my life. Even friends don't seem to have caught on to the vast amounts of wisdom they could be gaining if only they would read my blog. My guru image is being severely threatened.

It has challenged me to question why I am doing this. I know that I have a strong desire to be seen and heard, and the idea of putting myself out on the world wide web for all to see was very appealing. And, as far as I can tell, I have very few readers, or at least commenters. But I continue to write, even though the fantasy of becoming one of the most widely read blogs on the web has quickly faded.

So why do I continue? I discover it does something to me to write, and to be potentially exposed, even if no one ever reads what I write. I know they could, and that makes a difference to me. I am challenged to ask who I am, how I want to present myself to the world, what do I choose to hide and what do I choose to show, and why.

How much my fantasy of greatness continues to fuel my posts, I don't know.

Comment posted by Gene
at 7/9/2006 5:39:00 PM
Hi, Lee. You ask good questions. "Do you think you are wise and great, and if so, do you need others to validate that or convince you?" Yes, a part of me indulges in the fantasy that everything I do is wonderful. Another part indulges in the thought that nothing I do has any worth at all. I know that reality is neither, but that does not always stop me from acting out from these extremes."

"Why does it make a difference [if people could read your blog]?" Because when I harbor fantasies about myself, there is no challenge, other than my own vigilence, to the fantasy. When I consider putting it out on the web, I suddenly am faced with the spectacle of hundreds of people reading my claims, and it sobers me. I have to stop and consider what I *really* believe about myself, and not just what I fantasize. So the exposure forces me to be more honest with myself. (After all, what would people think of me if they caught me lying??? :) )

Thanks for your input.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/28/2006 5:41:00 PM
I try my best to keep as low a profile on my ego as I possibly can and I'm not always successful. To be doing something so that others will feed the hungry ego is a process to be examined. It's looking outside one's self for self validation instead of writing the blog purely from energy within to feed the energy within.

"I know that I have a strong desire to be seen and heard" Why do you have that desire. Do you want people to look up to you (in the physical sense, they already do!); do you want to be seen as wise or great? If so, where does this need come from? Do you think you are wise and great and if so, do you need others to validate that or convince you?

"I discover it does something to me to write, and to be potentially exposed, even if no one ever reads what I write."
This is writing more from within........for you! You put yourself out there for YOU and what others do with it is their choice. You are not responsibe for them; your blog cannot rescue them, they must do that themselves.

"I know they could [read the blog] and that makes a difference to me"
Again, I ask, why, why does it make a difference? Apparently Andy has been reading your blog but you didn't realize that. Do you feel differently now, why? You really don't know what he thinks of your blog, but you know he's reading it............so what now?

I'm not saying we should all be islands and what others say and think about us doesn't have some meaning and purpose. I believe humans to be social creatures. But I am concerned when actions are generated for the purpose of feeding an ego rather than for the action itself and letting the Universe decide the fate of the action.

I hope some of this makes some sense............Lee

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/28/2006 12:08:00 AM
I read everything you put on the internet, Gene, even though I don't always reply. By the way, I was out of town at the Old Songs Festival, a great folk festival, near Albany, NY, and returned late Monday, otherwise I would have replied sooner. Andy

Baby Birds and the Future of the Human Race

Zipping along in a hurry to get to work, I saw a bird in the right lane that I assumed would fly away when I got near enough. It did not. It make a few unsure hops towards the curb, and stopped as I swerved around it.

I realized it was a baby bird, not yet able to fly. Normally it would have been obvious to me to get to work on time rather than mess with the trivial issue of a baby bird on the road - but reason did not prevail. I found a place to turn around and drove back, hoping I would reach it before someone's tire did.

Eventually I was driving slowly past the spot where it was, and I saw it on the grass by the curb. I stopped my car in the right driving lane and hoped I would not cause an accident. Visions of President Lincoln stopping on the way to a meeting to help a pig out of a mud pit flashed through my mind. I got out and easily picked it up in my hands. It gave a squalk, then tried to eat my finger, while I looked around for a safe place to put it.

Next to the side walk was an immense stone wall, with no break within sight. Overhead, two robins were chirping frantically in the trees. There was no nest to be seen. Full of misgivings, I set the baby bird down under the parents, as close to the wall as possible, hoping that the parents could figure out some way of keeping it out of the road. It seemed pretty hopeless.

Why go to all that trouble and care for a baby bird, when next to me several dozen acres had just been cleared for a new building, with untold destruction to hundreds of creatures which had found a home there? As someone said, it mattered to the bird.

And why go to all the trouble of saving the earth from global warming? We are, after all, only one planet of theoretically billions, which may have life far more intelligent than ours. Why bother? Because it matters to us.

It is not logic that drives us to preserves life, nor to get out of bed in the morning. There is some passion deep within us that we do not control. It is because meaning is found deep inside, and not from some religious edict or logical conclusion of what we should do.

I find myself today more distracted by the thought of tires and feathers than melting icebergs. Today, that is closer to home. Tomorrow may be another story.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/27/2006 11:54:00 PM
Gene, your comments bring some things to mind. I remember seeing a peeping bird that couldn't or wouldn't fly, standing up to a barking dog that had the bird backed up against a curb, so I scared the dog away.
I heard the story about Lincoln and the pig, that he helped it get unstuck from a fence, so in school I drew a picture of that, and I didn't understand why my teacher didn't like it, until years later when I realized she must have thought it looked like Abe was having sex with the pig.
I, too, have thought about the idea that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe, but we only know of it on our own living planet. But suppose that somehow there is a universal life force that focuses itself all in one place, which happens to be our planet? But any way you figure it, life on Earth (Gaia) is precious and we must save it! Andy

Comment posted by Gene
at 6/26/2006 7:12:00 PM
I got the journal fixed - my host switched servers, and I was pointing to the wrong one. Thanks for noticing.

Comment posted by Heidi
at 6/26/2006 7:11:00 PM
I love the story -- I have been there when you rescued birds before, too.

BTW - your journal only goes up to June 12 -- that last couple of posts seem to be missing.

A Hard Morning

I woke up this morning with the most beautiful hard-on I have had in a long time. Full, and bursting with life, I felt like if I turned over, you could spin me like a top.

Finally, an experience I can claim women can't understand. It has been a while since I woke up this hard. It is not a particularly sexual feeling - there is no need for any kind of satisfaction or release. It is satisfying just to feel the energy buzzing in my body and pushing outward - as if the thickness yearned to expand and fill the universe. I feel the pleasure of it pushing against the sheets, strong, bold, incapable of hiding.

Why does it feel so risky to write about my sexuality on the world wide web? I'm not revealing anything someone couldn't have guessed. Am I afraid of losing readers who don't want to know I have a penis? Am I afraid of breaking a taboo? (who, me??) Do I want to pretend I am just a mind, and my body is just an uninteresting machine carrying my head around?

Since I started this blog, I've struggled with just how honest I want to be. The fearful part of me does not want to offend anyone, nor allow someone to laugh at me. Yet it rankles me to have to be selective about who I admit I am. It reeks of the days when I was ashamed, when such things could not be spoken of, when mother was listening on the other side of the door.

Yet I feel there is some tremendous gift awaiting me if I put all of myself out there, even if no one is reading this blog. *I* know I have revealed myself - I have nothing left to hide. If I chat with someone who thinks I reveal too much about myself, I can say, "Boy, you should read my blog!" Of course, they will when they go home, then pretend the next day they didn't. Isn't that what we all want, to know and be known?

I long to integrate all that I am, to shed the right and the wrong, the fear and the ego, and just let be what is. Isn't that, after all, what the universe does? The sun doesn't turn its face - it shines on the sexual and the mundane, on the lawyer and the hamburger-flipper, on the suicide bomber's morning as well as the innocent people he will kill today. This, to me, is the meaning of the phrase "God is love". The universe does not ask who deserves to breathe its fresh air this morning - it freely gives regardless of our judgments.

The hard-on has faded, and now I can tuck it away and go out among the other penises and vaginas properly hiding under business clothes, in a world where we have all apparently agreed on the fantasy that certain parts of us do not exist.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/10/2006 11:23:00 PM
Gene
You are just beautiful
that's all

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/9/2006 5:24:00 PM
wow, you are brave to put that out there. and I like what you said about it.

Reclaiming Innocence

The receptionist at my new doctor's office was a young chinese girl with a big smile, soft voice, and innocent face. As she took my patient information, she chatted about herself and the world. She had the presence of an infant, as if she were grabbing her toes and softly cooing, pleased with everything, laughing at a delightfully absurd world. I could not imagine that my bodily woes and worries would make any sense to her.

As we chatted, I felt my face lighting up with the reflection of hers, and vague memories arose of a world I once knew, wide-eyed in a benign universe. I felt in love over her smile and a few meaningless words, and suddenly I wanted her, wanted to possess her laughter and light, wanted to pull her body into mine so that I could merge with her naked joy of life.

And the thought occurred, was I simply wanting to strip her of her innocence so that through her I could re-experience the pain of my own loss?

I know all too well that that there is something in me that keeps me from reentering that world - the fear of being fooled again, of being too naive, of risking vulnerability, of pain. And so I peer longingly over the wall I have built that guards me from what I long for, convinced that I need to be serious and grown up and realistic.

Yet her smile lingers in me, and I am unable to give up the desire for what I have left behind.

More thoughts from the discussion

I left the discussion yesterday feeling lonely. Perhaps I had hoped to find kindred souls, people who resonated deeply with my own experience, people whose experience I could deeply resonate with. Instead, the struggle of intellectual polemics still weighed on me, and I left, feeling unseen and unheard.

Yet a woman there had heard me - she even remarked outloud she was interested in my point of view, and wanted to talk more with me about it. No one else's remarks had gotten that particular honor.

I thought about it as I was walking away, thinking, I should go back and be open to the chance that this woman and I might have some common interest of the soul that would at least partially satisfy my hunger. But I did not turn around. The vision of being alone, unheard, not understood was so dramatic, poinent, even enrapturing, that I chose to continue in my drama than disturb it with the possibility of a different reality.

It is an old story, one I am increasingly becoming tired of. It is true that as a child, I found no connections, no one to relieve me from my self-alienation by telling me, "Here's who you are. Here's what I see when I look at you." I grew up in this strange confusing inner world of swirling thoughts and conflicting feelings, and found no one who could help me make any sense of it all, or give me a sense of who this person was who had the thoughts and feelings.

And when I go to an event like this, and I am not fully reassured that my thoughts are valuable, I fall back to the old story - still dramatic and full of pathos for me after all these years.

It is time to let the old story go, and step into my power.

I'll meet you there

I attended a discussion today on "Why are we here?", from which I wrote the previous post. As with many discussion groups I have attended, there seemed to be this sense of urgency among the participants - urgency to get their point of view across, urgent to be heard, urgent to answer the challenge leveled at their pet theory.

Many people either had "the answer" or were looking for one. It was an intellectual discussion, which I do enjoy, yet I found I was seeking to hear people's experience of wrestling with the question more than the answers they had found. For a while, I sat there inwardly criticizing them for being too much into theory instead of experience, and busily putting together a compelling argment for why they should not try to prove things. Even when the paradox of that struck me, I found it hard to give up.

And I thought to myself, what would a meeting be like if everyone stopped trying to draw conclusions, and just experienced each other's life instead? Would we all just sit there and stare at each other? How would we talk? Could we still ponder the mysteries of life without aiming to come out of meeting having decided who was right and who was wrong?

Yes - I have experienced that, and I know it is possible. It is the yin of conversation rather than the yang - it is the listening instead of the talking. It is talking just enough so that we can listen to the experience of others, rather than listening just enough so we can talk about our own ideas.

Seeking meaning through rational discourse is a bit like Barry Manilow singing "I write the song", which was written by Bruce Johnston.

I have had enough of theory. I crave touching someone's soul, and having their soul touch mine. I long to reconnect to the intimate web I was born into, the mystical world of connection with everything in me and around me.

"Out beyond right and wrong there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

 Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other'

Doesn't make any sense." - Rumi