Laughter

There is a kind of laughter that comes only to those who have plumbed the depths of despair, who have done their grief work, and who have learned to live a new way. Looking back clear of the resentment and bitterness, sometimes one can see the absurdity in the creatures we are, and love ourselves in our absurdity.

That laughter can only be had when one is no longer holding on to the past, no longer saying, "It should have been otherwise". It is very different than the laughter of embarrassment when someone too easily exposes their pain, or the laughter that tells us our pain is silly and unworthy of being taken seriously. It is the laughter of the deep experience of knowing ourselves fully and loving ourselves despite what we know.

There is no rushing grief. If a person is still angry/bargaining/despairing, you will not convince them to "look on the bright side". The pain must out, or we will carry it forever. But once it is out, if it is fully out, then joy is once again truly possible.

Swearing off my murderous desire

I have decided to swear off my murderous desires

I no longer want to kill my ego

My ego is not my enemy, not something to be isolated, rejected, destroyed

My ego is a child playing in the sunshine, believing he is the center of the world

Spinning in the wild wind, while the universe spins around him

And what he sees and experiences seems to be all that exists

My ego is full of pride, of love for himself - and since when is self-love a bad thing? Is not he a miracle to be celebrated?

However, like any other child of mine, I need to keep an eye on my ego, making sure he doesn't run into the street or take a knife out of the kitchen drawer to play with

He does not know everything

And he can wreak havoc if I do not watch carefully

Yet I am glad to have him - he is a wonderful and permanent part of me that I can love, as well as care for and guide

So that he can find his place of comfort and belonging in my life

And we can live together in peace

Musings over impermanence

This morning, I woke up to amazement. I found myself in my own bedroom after spending 8 hours wandering around in my dreams to all sorts of strange places; somehow I still wound up at the exact same place where I fell asleep! 

I come downstairs, and Heidi is sitting on the couch, laptop in her lap, just like yesterday. There's this strange continuity of existence that somehow I didn't expect this morning. The possibilities seemed so endless at night, when anything could happen, that it did not seem likely that I would wake up in a world remarkably similar to the one I left.

Furthermore, I realized I am still me (whatever that is)! In a world of impermanence, what explanation is there for being approximately the same person that I was yesterday? Why did I not return as a frog, or an ocean wave?

Part of me is disappointed - of all the people and things I could have been, I am once again constrained to be me. Part of me is comforted - I know what to do in this world, and in this body. I'm used to being me. I will have the same friends and relationships that I had yesterday, and I have the same activities to look forward to or dread.

Most of the time, life seems to move incrementally. Watching the minute hand, I can barely perceive motion. Yet when I am not watching, the hands on the clock can jump suddenly to totally unexpected positions, and I may have to rush out the door.

Can I draw a conclusion from this without cementing my reality into the non-present? Probably not. Conclusions kill. Can I escape my sameness, my continuity? I can always escape into the present moment, and leave behind the apparent reality of my past and future. It seems to be only the present moment that is continually new.

Need to know

I don't need to know if you're non-binary, or you're transitioning, or what people you prefer to sleep with, or what pronoun you want to be called by. I want to know if you can connect with me, and tell me about your uniqueness, and hear about mine.

I don't need to know if you're progressive or conservative or libertarian. I want to know if you can set aside your beliefs long enough to hear and honestly consider another point of view.

I don't want to know if you're discriminated against, or if you are blamed for being privileged. I want to know if you are willing to set aside your hurts and anger long enough to meet me in that place beyond right and wrong.

I don't really care to know about your rights, and how they've been violated. And I don't care to know about the power and rights you've been granted. I want to know if you can step beyond your rights and walk in another person's shoes.

I don't need to know your religion, or whose god you worship, or what practices you follow. I want to know if you believe in kindness and honesty.

I don't need to know how rich you are, or how poor you are. I want to know if you can acknowledge your position in life without guilt or blame and still connect to your fellow human.

I don't care what protests you have been to, or how many times you have written your congressman. I want to know if you can see past the stories our minds create, that keep us separate and angry, and reach out to the heart in each human.

I don't want to know what sins you have committed, or how sorry you are. I want to know if you have learned to forgive yourself for everything, if you have learned to live with your faults, and if you have learned to extend mercy to those around you.

I don't want to know what boundaries you have drawn, and why you shut others out of your life. I want to know if you can connect with me, if you can be honest about your fears and weakness and shame. I want to know if you can let yourself be seen by another.

(inspired by Oriah Mountain Dreamer's "Invitation")

Adamancy and Empathy

When a person becomes opinionated, they tend to lose empathy for the concerns of the opposing viewpoint. It is as if in their mind, they have decided their concerns are important enough that they can ignore the concerns of the other side. Thus, pro-choicers are concerned about government interference in our private lives more than the theoretical personhood of a fetus, and pro-lifers are more concerned with respect for human life than the vague threat of government outlawing actions based on personal conviction.

It seems clear to me that both concerns are valid, and that both sides will acknowledge that both concerns are valid - but in our rush for power, we deem it necessary to ignore one concern in favor of the other. We see adamancy and simplistic slogans as the path to victory - that without being a hard-liner, we will not be perceived as strong, and therefore will not win. This is a philosophy based on winning (and forcing a vast number of people to lose and be deprived of what they want), rather than cooperation and understanding.

Unfortunately, we have a president today focused on winning rather than on cooperation, on a certain subset winning rather than everyone winning, so the problem is exacerbated. However, I think that is a symptom rather than the problem. Long before the election, we showed the signs of moving towards more towards conflict and war than towards understanding and compromise.

What is the cause of this? Is there not a ton of evidence against the efficacy of conflict? Is there truly a greater tendency towards polarization and intolerance today than earlier, or has it always been this way?

Spiritual Beliefs

A good friend recently told me some of her philosophy about spiritual beliefs. Basically, she believes that spiritual beliefs are not true or false, they are not even attempts to accurately describe reality - they are about influencing our lives for the better - that "pretending" (my word) something is true causes us to live differently, and if that difference is a good thing, that makes the belief useful, not true.

So if I take on the popular belief that we chose the life we were going to live before we were born, and chose to forget that knowledge, so we could learn the lessons of life - well, that belief has certain effects on how we live our lives, and in particular how we handle traumas or disasters - we no longer see ourselves as victims; it is the choice we made to go through things like this. I personally cannot accept this belief as true, and it angers me to think someone would believe I chose the abuse I went through as a child, but I can see the positive change in attitude that can be wrought by looking at life through this lens, and that could certainly be useful.

What a relief not to have to decide if a belief is literally true or not! Instead, I can look at how I can imagine the world in a way that enhances how I want to live life.

Letting Go of Being in Control

Flying back from my annual trip to the Free Spirit Gathering on the East Coast, I had an insight. At one point, we were making a descent towards the airport, and I was going through my usual anxiety fantasy of spinning and crashing out of control. Suddenly, it came to me - when I stepped into that plane, I had effectively committed my entire life and well-being for the next three hours to this piece of machinery, and the people who controlled it. The moment we took off, my fate was completely and irrevocably determined, and there was absolutely nothing I could do now to change it. It was pretty silly now to tense up as if I could stop a crash from taking place. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen, and I had made an unconscious decision three hours before to let it happen, even if it meant a fiery crash.

My stomach eased up as I watched my fate play out, and we landed without incident. I thought to myself, if I had been fully conscious, I could have been aware that I was sealing my fate the moment I stepped onto that plane, and perhaps I wouldn't have suffered the anxiety of thinking I was still in control.

And then my mind went one step further. In a sense, our fate is sealed the moment we are born. True, there are many moments throughout life where I can make choices that have real consequences, but when I stepped onto this earth for the first time, I was going to have to live a human life with all of its glories and tragedies, for an unspecified period of time, whether I liked it or not. Most of my life has been without my choice or consent, and in that sense, my fate is sealed. It is absurd to pretend I'm in control beyond the small amount of life I can actually affect.

I can relax.