Within each of us exists a primitive nature. This nature contains basic drives and desires and instincts. It is the source of our sexual drive, our emotions, our desire to connect, our needs. It is the source of our negative feeling that give us so many problems - selfishness, anger, the desire for revenge, the instinct to hurt someone we perceive as an enemy, the instinct to hide, lie, cover up, pretend.
We come by this nature honestly - it is the product of millions of years of evolution. In the jungle, the instinct to attack and kill something you perceived as a threat was a useful instinct, and humans probably owe their very existence to it. The ability to run and hide kept us from dangers we could not outrun. The fight to feed ourselves first helped weed out the weakest, and made our race strong.
However, those same genes are now finding themselves in the 21st century, where many of these instincts are not only of little use, but can be destructive to ourselves and those we love. So we find ourselves in a conflict - our intellect does a fairly good job at figuring out what is useful to us, but the power of our primitive nature often overrides our intellect and causes us to do things we regret.
The primitive nature cannot be denied. We know all too well the effects of repressing anger, or sexuality, or our own needs. It can be just as destructive as acting out on them. The primitive is a real part of us, and ultimately cannot be suppressed, denied, or willed out of existence.
However, there is a way out of this conflict. The primitive nature, while very powerful, is not intelligent. We may want to kill someone, but writing an angry letter will satisfy us, and the desire to kill will recede. We may have strong sexual urges, and no way to satisfy them, but we can use a lot of physical exercise to compensate. We may want to eat that cake when we are on a diet, but find that eating a small amount after a healthy meal may do the trick.
The fact that our primitive energy can be fooled also explains some of the puzzling destructive acts that people do. Someone was abused by his father, and he winds up abusing his wife. It is clear he is taking revenge, but his primitive nature does not realize it is on the wrong person. A few characteristics that remind him of his father is all it takes to set in motion that desire for revenge, for eliminating the danger that hurt him so much before.
Our primal energy cannot be bottled up without destruction to ourselves; however, it can be channelled into other directions that are not so harmful. Our intelligence can be used to look at the various acts that would satisfy a primitive energy, and pick one that would not be harmful. One kind of therapy does anger work, where the client takes a large foam rubber bat, or a tennis racket, and beats on pillows. Amazingly, all the trapped anger and desire for revenge can pour forth in this setting, because the client will not hurt anyone or anything. The results is a release and a relief from anger that has been buried, and less of a desire to act that anger out in the world.
What stops us the most is shame. Our society looks down on primitive energies - on sexuality, violence, selfishness - and for good reasons. But the result is to cause us to be ashamed of our primitive self, and attempt to deny it is there, or prevent it from having any voice. This denial is what creates the shadow - the part of us we don't want to know, and reliably turn our eyes from, so that we can live up to an artificial standard of having no primitive side. But these powers grow in the shadow, since they are not being satisfied or channeled in a useful direction.
Primitive energies are ultimately good - they derive from life itself. But it takes awareness of them to capture that potent energy in them and use them for good. Sexuality can be used to build a deep relationship. Anger can be used to energize us to take action against some wrong in the world. Selfishness can be harnessed into helping us love ourselves so that we can be more present in the world. The desire to hide can be channelled into a time of meditation that can renew us rather than separate us.
All that is within us is good. The more we are aware, the more we can actualize our goodness.
Tuesday, June 3, 2003
Projection and self-acceptance
Coming to accept ourselves just as we are is a difficult battle for many people. Realizing they don't accept themselves as they are often becomes one more stick to beat themselves with. We are too often blind to our own attitudes, and trying to change alone is very difficult.
A very simple method for discovering the places where you do not accept yourself is by looking at people who bother you. We are only bothered by characteristics that we have judgment about. If I have no judgment about baldness, then I will have little reaction to someone who is bald, or to noticing that my own hair is thinning. However, if I have judgment about talking too much, I will be annoyed by those who do so.
Think of people you know, and pick the person who bothers you the most. Then pick the attitude that they have that annoys you the most. This is a judgment against that attitude - a decision that having that attitude is not okay, and anyone who has that attitude is not okay. Any judgment that we carry against others, we also carry against ourselves. We do not accept something in others, because we do not accept it in ourselves. Ask yourself what it would be like if you had that same attitude yourself. You will probably find a sudden self-hatred welling up. Then ask yourself if you have ever had that attitude, or ever struggled with it. Since it has an emotional charge to you, it is likely that you have had, or currently struggle with that attitude yourself.
You have now pin-pointed something in yourself that you vehemently reject - a part of you that you are not okay with. This is a restriction you have placed on yourself that keeps you from true acceptance. Every judgment of others comes from a lack of acceptance of yourself. We cannot hate another unless we hate ourselves first, just as we cannot truly love another unless we learn to love ourselves.
Does that mean I should go out and do the things I despise and think are evil? No, not at all. But it does mean that we need to recognize that on some level, we are all human, and have primitive desires, and that we need compassion in dealing with those desires. When we pretend we are above all that, that is when we reject those who are not, and we create a division between us and them, creating the illusion that we are different, better than, other.
Unity comes through recognizing our common nature in all of its forms.
A very simple method for discovering the places where you do not accept yourself is by looking at people who bother you. We are only bothered by characteristics that we have judgment about. If I have no judgment about baldness, then I will have little reaction to someone who is bald, or to noticing that my own hair is thinning. However, if I have judgment about talking too much, I will be annoyed by those who do so.
Think of people you know, and pick the person who bothers you the most. Then pick the attitude that they have that annoys you the most. This is a judgment against that attitude - a decision that having that attitude is not okay, and anyone who has that attitude is not okay. Any judgment that we carry against others, we also carry against ourselves. We do not accept something in others, because we do not accept it in ourselves. Ask yourself what it would be like if you had that same attitude yourself. You will probably find a sudden self-hatred welling up. Then ask yourself if you have ever had that attitude, or ever struggled with it. Since it has an emotional charge to you, it is likely that you have had, or currently struggle with that attitude yourself.
You have now pin-pointed something in yourself that you vehemently reject - a part of you that you are not okay with. This is a restriction you have placed on yourself that keeps you from true acceptance. Every judgment of others comes from a lack of acceptance of yourself. We cannot hate another unless we hate ourselves first, just as we cannot truly love another unless we learn to love ourselves.
Does that mean I should go out and do the things I despise and think are evil? No, not at all. But it does mean that we need to recognize that on some level, we are all human, and have primitive desires, and that we need compassion in dealing with those desires. When we pretend we are above all that, that is when we reject those who are not, and we create a division between us and them, creating the illusion that we are different, better than, other.
Unity comes through recognizing our common nature in all of its forms.
Judgment
Judgment consists of two things - opinion, and rejection. When someone does something that we disapprove of, and we feel angry, we have an opinion about what they did, and what should have been done instead. However, the harm is not in the opinion - the harm is in the rejection. On some level, we, the ones who judge, create an imaginary separation between us and them. They should have done differently, we believe, and since we know that, we feel somehow superior to them.
Often we shun someone in obvious or subtle ways - we talk to them less, we decide we don't want them as a friend, we avoid them, we smile politely rather than being real, we talk about them behind their backs. All these acts are ways of causing separation, of denying the underlying commonality we all have as human beings.
Acceptance can be a difficult thing - it means the willingness not to push someone away, or to remove ourselves from them, simply because we don't like a characteristic. But the separation we create causes us to live in an increasingly narrow world, where only certain people meet our standards. The danger in narrowing our world down to only those people who are good enough, is that we might find we ourselves don't qualify. The horrible fear of everyone who lives in judgment is that they will ultimately be the ones who are judged and rejected, and their fear spurs them on to even greater efforts to be right, to be righteous, and to shun those who might taint them in some way.
It is when we let go of our fear, and accept who we are, that we discover we are in a world full of brothers.
Often we shun someone in obvious or subtle ways - we talk to them less, we decide we don't want them as a friend, we avoid them, we smile politely rather than being real, we talk about them behind their backs. All these acts are ways of causing separation, of denying the underlying commonality we all have as human beings.
Acceptance can be a difficult thing - it means the willingness not to push someone away, or to remove ourselves from them, simply because we don't like a characteristic. But the separation we create causes us to live in an increasingly narrow world, where only certain people meet our standards. The danger in narrowing our world down to only those people who are good enough, is that we might find we ourselves don't qualify. The horrible fear of everyone who lives in judgment is that they will ultimately be the ones who are judged and rejected, and their fear spurs them on to even greater efforts to be right, to be righteous, and to shun those who might taint them in some way.
It is when we let go of our fear, and accept who we are, that we discover we are in a world full of brothers.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
So Obvious
From the outside looking in, it is so obvious to me what you should do to change your life. I can see it clearly. It doesn't look hard. I get annoyed because you seem to be resisting.
Yet, I come home, and ignore once again the pile of unanswered mail, unpaid bills, undone laundry. So simple. Just open the envelopes, write a check, put soap in the washer. Yet, for some reason, for me, the thought of these simple acts fills me with terror, and night after night, I choose instead to snuggle up to my computer and the comfort of killing aliens.
Faced with my own helplessness over something so simple and so absurd, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed to the same degree that I feel superior judging you when you can't get past a block. The shame stops me from reaching out, from admitting to you that I have a weakness. The shame stops me from discovering my commonality with you, and keeps me believing that I am somehow different, separate, not really a part of the universe, not really part of the grand scheme of things.
If I tell you I am weak, you might tell me you aren't, and I would feel lost. The unity of life fades, and the illusion of separation grows, each hiding our own precious shame, fearful lest someone discover we too are human.
It is sometimes difficult to love ourselves. That's why there are other people.
Yet, I come home, and ignore once again the pile of unanswered mail, unpaid bills, undone laundry. So simple. Just open the envelopes, write a check, put soap in the washer. Yet, for some reason, for me, the thought of these simple acts fills me with terror, and night after night, I choose instead to snuggle up to my computer and the comfort of killing aliens.
Faced with my own helplessness over something so simple and so absurd, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed to the same degree that I feel superior judging you when you can't get past a block. The shame stops me from reaching out, from admitting to you that I have a weakness. The shame stops me from discovering my commonality with you, and keeps me believing that I am somehow different, separate, not really a part of the universe, not really part of the grand scheme of things.
If I tell you I am weak, you might tell me you aren't, and I would feel lost. The unity of life fades, and the illusion of separation grows, each hiding our own precious shame, fearful lest someone discover we too are human.
It is sometimes difficult to love ourselves. That's why there are other people.
Five Degrees of Awareness
Awareness brings us freedom. The victim is the person not aware of the part he plays in his own drama, and thus not aware of the other choices he has. As we increase our awareness of how we live our lives, we find we are more responsible, yet, paradoxically, more free.
First Degree - the Watcher When drama happens in our life, we experience only the people and things around us, but not ourselves. Consider animals, which to the best of our knowledge have no self-awareness. A dog sits alone in a house, lonely, hungry. He is not aware of himself as a lonely, hungry dog, sitting in a room - he is aware of a room with no one in it and uncomfortable sensations hovering around. The owner comes home, and the dog is happy. He sees the owner, and the world seems good again. The dog is not aware of himself being present as part of the drama.
So our initial experience of any drama in our lives is the environment around us, which catches our attention and invades our senses. We do not notice ourselves, because we are the ones watching. We do not notice our judgments of others, because we don't experience our judgments - rather, we experience those around us as being a certain way.
Second Degree - the Feeler At this degree, we notice that we exist, and that we react to the world around us. We are aware we have feelings, opinions, intentions, and desires, and we are aware of ourselves as a being in the world, reacting to things around us. When we are with someone, we conceptualize two people together, interacting. We are aware of ourselves. This is the first step to consciousness.
If a co-worker walks past me without saying a word, I may say to myself, "How rude!" This is first degree awareness - I am not aware of myself or my feelings - I am only aware of the co-worker and his rudeness, real or not. My experience is that he is rude. Second degree awareness causes me to say, "I'm insulted." I am now aware of myself in relationship to the co-worker, and my reactions to his actions. This is the first step to objectivity, and allows us to see our judgments as reactions of our feelings rather than reality.
Third Degree - the Actor We discover we are an actor in the drama occurring before our eyes. Not only do we have reactions to others, we interact with them. My feelings of insult may be because of expectations I have that may not be valid, or because of failure to be aware that my co-worker has a meeting and has no time to chat, or because I happen to feel grumpy already. My reactions are in part caused by my own actions, and not entirely by my environment. This is the beginning of responsibility.
In the drama before our eyes, the watcher and the feeler were in the audience, watching the play; the actor is actually on stage, creating part of the drama that is happening. We are now an active part of the story being created.
Fourth Degree - the Director We become aware that in this drama, we are not only acting our own part, but in our minds, we are creating the characters and situations we see around us. People become who we want them to become, and situations take shape the way we want them to take shape. If we want to see someone as cruel, we will notice every nuance that could be interpreted that way, and write off every bit of counter-evidence. The person afraid of abandonment keeps seeing abandonment in the actions of everyone he gets close to. The world conforms entirely to the drama we are caught in, and the other actors appear to take on the roles we want them to have. We recreate our story, using others to fulfill the necessary parts of the drama.
Fifth Degree - the Playwright Finally, we discover that we are the authors of the entire drama, from beginning to end. It doesn't just happen to us as victims of a tragic story - on some level, we have written the story, enlisted the players, given everyone their lines, delved deeply into the drama to recreate the feelings, and then watched from a distance as the story of our life goes by.
What next? Surprisingly, when we become aware, we do not feel despair, but rather a lightening of the load. It is the truth that sets us free. We no longer have to act out our drama. When we are fully aware of the reality, we stop acting, because reality is much more satisfying than the endless repetition of unconscious urges. Realizing that it was just a dream, we wake up, get up, stretch our limbs, and look out on a new day.
First Degree - the Watcher When drama happens in our life, we experience only the people and things around us, but not ourselves. Consider animals, which to the best of our knowledge have no self-awareness. A dog sits alone in a house, lonely, hungry. He is not aware of himself as a lonely, hungry dog, sitting in a room - he is aware of a room with no one in it and uncomfortable sensations hovering around. The owner comes home, and the dog is happy. He sees the owner, and the world seems good again. The dog is not aware of himself being present as part of the drama.
So our initial experience of any drama in our lives is the environment around us, which catches our attention and invades our senses. We do not notice ourselves, because we are the ones watching. We do not notice our judgments of others, because we don't experience our judgments - rather, we experience those around us as being a certain way.
Second Degree - the Feeler At this degree, we notice that we exist, and that we react to the world around us. We are aware we have feelings, opinions, intentions, and desires, and we are aware of ourselves as a being in the world, reacting to things around us. When we are with someone, we conceptualize two people together, interacting. We are aware of ourselves. This is the first step to consciousness.
If a co-worker walks past me without saying a word, I may say to myself, "How rude!" This is first degree awareness - I am not aware of myself or my feelings - I am only aware of the co-worker and his rudeness, real or not. My experience is that he is rude. Second degree awareness causes me to say, "I'm insulted." I am now aware of myself in relationship to the co-worker, and my reactions to his actions. This is the first step to objectivity, and allows us to see our judgments as reactions of our feelings rather than reality.
Third Degree - the Actor We discover we are an actor in the drama occurring before our eyes. Not only do we have reactions to others, we interact with them. My feelings of insult may be because of expectations I have that may not be valid, or because of failure to be aware that my co-worker has a meeting and has no time to chat, or because I happen to feel grumpy already. My reactions are in part caused by my own actions, and not entirely by my environment. This is the beginning of responsibility.
In the drama before our eyes, the watcher and the feeler were in the audience, watching the play; the actor is actually on stage, creating part of the drama that is happening. We are now an active part of the story being created.
Fourth Degree - the Director We become aware that in this drama, we are not only acting our own part, but in our minds, we are creating the characters and situations we see around us. People become who we want them to become, and situations take shape the way we want them to take shape. If we want to see someone as cruel, we will notice every nuance that could be interpreted that way, and write off every bit of counter-evidence. The person afraid of abandonment keeps seeing abandonment in the actions of everyone he gets close to. The world conforms entirely to the drama we are caught in, and the other actors appear to take on the roles we want them to have. We recreate our story, using others to fulfill the necessary parts of the drama.
Fifth Degree - the Playwright Finally, we discover that we are the authors of the entire drama, from beginning to end. It doesn't just happen to us as victims of a tragic story - on some level, we have written the story, enlisted the players, given everyone their lines, delved deeply into the drama to recreate the feelings, and then watched from a distance as the story of our life goes by.
What next? Surprisingly, when we become aware, we do not feel despair, but rather a lightening of the load. It is the truth that sets us free. We no longer have to act out our drama. When we are fully aware of the reality, we stop acting, because reality is much more satisfying than the endless repetition of unconscious urges. Realizing that it was just a dream, we wake up, get up, stretch our limbs, and look out on a new day.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
The Dance of Life
At any given moment in our lives, there are things we can do, and things we can't do - there are open doors and closed doors. At every moment, that configuration changes slightly - something new becomes possible, a new opportunity arises, a new person comes into our life. And some doors close - the weather turns and we can't do the picnic, we get sick and can't work, the traffic light turns red.
Dancing with life involves being aware of what is available and what is not, and moving with it. It means seizing the opportunity before us, and letting go of opportunities past. It means going through the open doors and stop pushing on the closed ones.
Dancing with life involves a lot of letting go. There are many things we demand of the universe that we simply can't have - perfection of ourselves and others, staying young, people behaving as we think they should. When we have no control over something or someone, dancing means letting go and finding a way of accepting what is and flowing with it.
Dancing also means being aware of when our energy can merge with the universe and produce new life. It means realizing when the power to change the world truly lies in our hands, and then freely choosing how to respond.
Dancing with grace means flowing smoothly, without strain, responding quickly to the lead, willing to change in the moment if it is right to do. When opportunities change, we move instantly to the next one, rather than wasting energy resenting the change to our plans. Dancing with life is living in the moment, and letting go of our investment in past directions.
Dancing with life involves being aware of what is available and what is not, and moving with it. It means seizing the opportunity before us, and letting go of opportunities past. It means going through the open doors and stop pushing on the closed ones.
Dancing with life involves a lot of letting go. There are many things we demand of the universe that we simply can't have - perfection of ourselves and others, staying young, people behaving as we think they should. When we have no control over something or someone, dancing means letting go and finding a way of accepting what is and flowing with it.
Dancing also means being aware of when our energy can merge with the universe and produce new life. It means realizing when the power to change the world truly lies in our hands, and then freely choosing how to respond.
Dancing with grace means flowing smoothly, without strain, responding quickly to the lead, willing to change in the moment if it is right to do. When opportunities change, we move instantly to the next one, rather than wasting energy resenting the change to our plans. Dancing with life is living in the moment, and letting go of our investment in past directions.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Unlimited
It's not until you fully embrace where you are that you can be somewhere else.
It's not until you fully embrace who you are that you can love someone else.
It's not until you fully embrace your limitations that you can become unlimited.
It's not until you fully embrace who you are that you can love someone else.
It's not until you fully embrace your limitations that you can become unlimited.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
How Complete the Illusion
When our primitive nature rises up - when we are angry, hurt, frightened, jealous, when we believe we are right, when we believe we are nothing - our intellect and reason fades away, and we reinterpret all the myrid clues around us to match our feelings. We see others as evil, or out to get us, or stupid, or we see ourselves as ignorant, weak, despised. As the feelings rise, the manipulation of the evidence increases, until the illusion is complete.
It is not that we consciously lie to ourselves. The world really appears as we believe it is. Evidence falls neatly in line, enigmas are explained, patterns emerge. The world obediently conforms to our story of what is true, and nothing to the contrary exists.
When we emerge again into reality, we feel shame that we believed so fervently in something that now looks silly. We may defend our posture fervently, convincing no one but ourselves of our rightness. Or we may quickly shove our recent interpretation of reality under the rug, even denying that we really believed it.
We are so used to this strange phenomena that we barely notice it. Someone yells at someone, "You're an idiot!", and we ignore the fact that they have suddenly left reality and are indulging in a fantasy that someone else is the sole cause of their anxiety. When they return to reason, no one remarks on how strange it is that we can so suddenly believe things so strongly that are so contrary to reality, and to our own beliefs minutes later.
Our civilized minds are like cell phones - we never know when we will lose the signal.
It is not that we consciously lie to ourselves. The world really appears as we believe it is. Evidence falls neatly in line, enigmas are explained, patterns emerge. The world obediently conforms to our story of what is true, and nothing to the contrary exists.
When we emerge again into reality, we feel shame that we believed so fervently in something that now looks silly. We may defend our posture fervently, convincing no one but ourselves of our rightness. Or we may quickly shove our recent interpretation of reality under the rug, even denying that we really believed it.
We are so used to this strange phenomena that we barely notice it. Someone yells at someone, "You're an idiot!", and we ignore the fact that they have suddenly left reality and are indulging in a fantasy that someone else is the sole cause of their anxiety. When they return to reason, no one remarks on how strange it is that we can so suddenly believe things so strongly that are so contrary to reality, and to our own beliefs minutes later.
Our civilized minds are like cell phones - we never know when we will lose the signal.
Commitment
The word that makes single men shudder. The word that conjures up chains and lifetime obligations that one can't get out of.
The reason for commitment to a belief, action, or person is to compensate for the times when our primitive nature takes over and we lose sight of what we want. Commitment is like a stake in the ground - when we have clear vision of what we want, we can stake it out, write it down, commit it to memory, or do something so that we have a place to come back to when we forget what our values are. When I am in my right mind, I know I want to spend more caring and fun time with my son - I believe it will be good for both of us, and enhance the relationship. When I am running around doing a million things, suddenly going out to McDonalds together doesn't seem very important. It seems obvious that many other things are much more critical.
But if I have made a conscious commitment to spend more time, I will remember that I made it, and even though I might not be able to remember the wisdom in that commitment at the moment, I know I knew the wisdom of it when I made it, and I can exercise some trust in my own past judgment, rather than being swayed by the feelings of the moment.
Making a formal commitment can seem silly and unnecessary - it may seem obvious what the right thing to do is. But in the heat of passion, if our commitment is not clear, we will not know which way to turn. It is like a fire drill - it seems pretty silly when there is no danger, but when smoke is in our eyes, we will be glad we have a memory of the right way to go.
The reason for commitment to a belief, action, or person is to compensate for the times when our primitive nature takes over and we lose sight of what we want. Commitment is like a stake in the ground - when we have clear vision of what we want, we can stake it out, write it down, commit it to memory, or do something so that we have a place to come back to when we forget what our values are. When I am in my right mind, I know I want to spend more caring and fun time with my son - I believe it will be good for both of us, and enhance the relationship. When I am running around doing a million things, suddenly going out to McDonalds together doesn't seem very important. It seems obvious that many other things are much more critical.
But if I have made a conscious commitment to spend more time, I will remember that I made it, and even though I might not be able to remember the wisdom in that commitment at the moment, I know I knew the wisdom of it when I made it, and I can exercise some trust in my own past judgment, rather than being swayed by the feelings of the moment.
Making a formal commitment can seem silly and unnecessary - it may seem obvious what the right thing to do is. But in the heat of passion, if our commitment is not clear, we will not know which way to turn. It is like a fire drill - it seems pretty silly when there is no danger, but when smoke is in our eyes, we will be glad we have a memory of the right way to go.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
The Beat of the Jungle
We as a species were able to survive because we could attack, run, or hide from our aggressors. Those primitive instincts are still in us, and will always be in us. You can see them very clearly in young children who have not yet learned other coping mechanisms for survival.
In our civilized world, we operate by different principles, by rational, logical rules that get things done. However, in situations where emotions come into play, the jungle comes back. We find ourselves viciously defending an attack to our ego, or shying away from someone who may not like us, or hiding our real feelings for fear they won't be accepted. The same defenses that served us so well in the jungle spring into play in our relationships. However, it is no longer our lives that are at stake - it is our ego, our need to be loved, or to be right, or to feel safe. It is rare in our world that our lives are threatened by another human being, yet we react with all to an insult with the instincts of the jungle - our hair is on end, our claws are out, teeth are set, and we are fall back into the instinctual mode of attack, defend, and hide.
Despite appearances to the contrary, there is a clear and present danger that at any point, a civilized group of people can fall to the beat of the jungle, reacting as if their lives were at stake rather than their egos. The reaction is out of proportion to the stimulus.
Some people are better than others at resisting the jungle, but very few totally escape its pull. Even the most practiced meditator, when faced with a sudden threat, will feel a rush of adrenalyn, preparing them for fight or flight.
So, when people start to get triggered in a group, listen for the beat of the jungle. Detect that primitive instinct within us - the faster heartbeat, the sweating, the nervousness, the instinct to attack/defend/hide. When we are not aware, we can all too easily fall victim to its primitive beat.
In our civilized world, we operate by different principles, by rational, logical rules that get things done. However, in situations where emotions come into play, the jungle comes back. We find ourselves viciously defending an attack to our ego, or shying away from someone who may not like us, or hiding our real feelings for fear they won't be accepted. The same defenses that served us so well in the jungle spring into play in our relationships. However, it is no longer our lives that are at stake - it is our ego, our need to be loved, or to be right, or to feel safe. It is rare in our world that our lives are threatened by another human being, yet we react with all to an insult with the instincts of the jungle - our hair is on end, our claws are out, teeth are set, and we are fall back into the instinctual mode of attack, defend, and hide.
Despite appearances to the contrary, there is a clear and present danger that at any point, a civilized group of people can fall to the beat of the jungle, reacting as if their lives were at stake rather than their egos. The reaction is out of proportion to the stimulus.
Some people are better than others at resisting the jungle, but very few totally escape its pull. Even the most practiced meditator, when faced with a sudden threat, will feel a rush of adrenalyn, preparing them for fight or flight.
So, when people start to get triggered in a group, listen for the beat of the jungle. Detect that primitive instinct within us - the faster heartbeat, the sweating, the nervousness, the instinct to attack/defend/hide. When we are not aware, we can all too easily fall victim to its primitive beat.
Compassion as our Destiny
It is our natural direction and destiny to grow towards compassion for all people, to grow towards peace and understanding, to grow to see the onenness beneath all the apparent illusion.
Yet, many of us are stuck at a point far short of this goal. Ironically, the cause of the stuckness is not a lack of desire to move forward, but rather a lack of acceptance of where we are. Like a plant, you cannot force growth. You can water it, give it sun, protect it from harm, but you cannot stretch it to make it bigger. It will grow at its own predetermined pace if it has its basic needs fulfilled. Likewise, we as humans will grow naturally towards the light if our basic needs of intimacy, love, connectedness, and support are present in our lives.
The key is accepting ourselves where we are. If we reject who we are today because we want to be someone else, we foster the attitude of self-rejection, which runs contrary to our spiritual destiny as human beings. We grow through love, not fear. When we love who we are today, the path opens for the next stage of our growth. Love where you are today, and be willing to let go of it when you are called to another place.
Yet, many of us are stuck at a point far short of this goal. Ironically, the cause of the stuckness is not a lack of desire to move forward, but rather a lack of acceptance of where we are. Like a plant, you cannot force growth. You can water it, give it sun, protect it from harm, but you cannot stretch it to make it bigger. It will grow at its own predetermined pace if it has its basic needs fulfilled. Likewise, we as humans will grow naturally towards the light if our basic needs of intimacy, love, connectedness, and support are present in our lives.
The key is accepting ourselves where we are. If we reject who we are today because we want to be someone else, we foster the attitude of self-rejection, which runs contrary to our spiritual destiny as human beings. We grow through love, not fear. When we love who we are today, the path opens for the next stage of our growth. Love where you are today, and be willing to let go of it when you are called to another place.
Values
Happiness comes through fulfilling one's values, not through pleasure. Pleasure has the characteristic of feeling good in the present moment, but does not carry on into the future very far. Eating ice cream yesterday does little to help me feel good about myself today.
However, when I do something I value, I create self-esteem. When I give a good performance on piano for the dance on Friday night, I will think back to that many times and feel good about myself for having done that. If I helped a friend in need, I will look back on that many times as proof that I am a kind person.
Thus, long term happiness comes from self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from doing things we value.
However, when I do something I value, I create self-esteem. When I give a good performance on piano for the dance on Friday night, I will think back to that many times and feel good about myself for having done that. If I helped a friend in need, I will look back on that many times as proof that I am a kind person.
Thus, long term happiness comes from self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from doing things we value.
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Lord of the Shadows
A few weeks ago, I was at a meeting where someone suddenly made a statement that stirred up a lot of emotion. People reacted, and people reacted to the reactions, and in a very short time, most of the people in the room were emotionally involved in the discussion.
On the surface, everyone sounded like they were talking about real concerns, real problems that needed to be addressed. But underneath the surface, each person was responding out of fear, or threat, or annoyance, or desire to control, or not wanting to rock the boat, or trying to stay out of harm's way.
In thinking that scene over this morning, suddenly the scenes from Lord of the Rings came to mind, where Frodo put on the ring, and suddenly entered this shadow world, where everything was in motion, everything was blurry and confusing, all edges were indistinct, and where things that were previously hidden suddenly had a vivid presence. When he popped off the ring, others back in the "real" world didn't understand where he had been.
Beneath the seemingly rational discourse with which we conduct ourselves as civilized human beings, lives this shadow world, windy, moody, dangerous, indistinct, where little is certain and all is alive. As we sit and discuss in the bright light, the shadows are whipping around us, flapping in our ears, raising primitive feelings that we don't understand, causing us to react to others as if we were beasts in the primeval world with little understanding of what was around us, working on instinct alone. Yet we sit, sipping our tea, pretending that the shadows don't exist, that nobody sees them or feels them, that our words and minds are all that exist in the room.
Sometimes, the danger zooms in suddenly, and we react out of gutteral sweat, taking rash action, taken over by ancient drives of self preservation and aggression. We shout and swing our sword, there's pain and tearing, there's a moment of chaos, and we pull off the ring. Suddenly, we are back in the rational world, trying to explain the bloody sword in our hand in terms that fit our refined surroundings and inquiring minds. We come up with weak reasons for our actions, and everyone hastily agrees with us, for no one else wants to admit the existence of the shadow world either.
And so we keep the lights on to keep the shadows away, and our minds active to avoid feeling those feelings again. We believe we are Lord of the Shadows.
Until the next time.
On the surface, everyone sounded like they were talking about real concerns, real problems that needed to be addressed. But underneath the surface, each person was responding out of fear, or threat, or annoyance, or desire to control, or not wanting to rock the boat, or trying to stay out of harm's way.
In thinking that scene over this morning, suddenly the scenes from Lord of the Rings came to mind, where Frodo put on the ring, and suddenly entered this shadow world, where everything was in motion, everything was blurry and confusing, all edges were indistinct, and where things that were previously hidden suddenly had a vivid presence. When he popped off the ring, others back in the "real" world didn't understand where he had been.
Beneath the seemingly rational discourse with which we conduct ourselves as civilized human beings, lives this shadow world, windy, moody, dangerous, indistinct, where little is certain and all is alive. As we sit and discuss in the bright light, the shadows are whipping around us, flapping in our ears, raising primitive feelings that we don't understand, causing us to react to others as if we were beasts in the primeval world with little understanding of what was around us, working on instinct alone. Yet we sit, sipping our tea, pretending that the shadows don't exist, that nobody sees them or feels them, that our words and minds are all that exist in the room.
Sometimes, the danger zooms in suddenly, and we react out of gutteral sweat, taking rash action, taken over by ancient drives of self preservation and aggression. We shout and swing our sword, there's pain and tearing, there's a moment of chaos, and we pull off the ring. Suddenly, we are back in the rational world, trying to explain the bloody sword in our hand in terms that fit our refined surroundings and inquiring minds. We come up with weak reasons for our actions, and everyone hastily agrees with us, for no one else wants to admit the existence of the shadow world either.
And so we keep the lights on to keep the shadows away, and our minds active to avoid feeling those feelings again. We believe we are Lord of the Shadows.
Until the next time.
Friday, April 11, 2003
Perfection vs. Acceptance
The goal is not perfection, but acceptance. Ironically, it is often our lack of acceptance of ourself that leads to our disaction, acting other than we intend, because of the internal struggle we create. Accepting ourselves puts us in harmony, from where we can act unambiguously according to our true need and desire. Accepting our mistakes and primitive drives, rather than denying them, lets us make fully informed decisions - we know ourselves and our weaknesses well enough to make decisions that take them into account.
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance means accepting every person as they are, no matter what they do or have done, no matter who they are or what they believe. Radical acceptance means having compassion for all people.
Radical acceptance does not mean condoning someone's actions, being passive in our response, or not taking action. Radical acceptance also accepts our own needs as legitimate.
The difference is in attitude. Whenever we live in judgment of another person, we cause a separation between ourselves and them. We believe we are somehow better than, more worthy than, and that they can be treated with contempt. When we cast judgment on ourselves, we likewise believe we are less then, are not worthy, and do not deserve what others do. Both of these are illusion. The spiritual reality behind what we see is that we are all one, that the divine lives in each of us, that the separation and divisions between us are illusion - they are illusion in the sense that when you look at the causes of division more closely, you will find at their core a commonality of need.
It is often said, love the person, and hate the action. Even that is not true acceptance. If someone breaks into my house and steals, I may have a reaction of anger, even hatred. Hating an action is equivalent to hating the actor. One option is to go into the desire for revenge, hatred, bitterness, and seek to get even - to bring the thief to justice because I want revenge, because I want to make him suffer to pay for my pain. To live this way and condone this attitude is to choose to live with hatred and revenge as basic values. Choosing not to seek revenge does not mean not taking action. I may still go to court to get repayment for my damages without an attitude of hatred, motivated more out of love for myself and family than out of a desire to hurt the thief.
It is possible to live a life of compassion and love without being a wimp. Defending what we love can take the form of violence, yet still be an act of love. The question is if we are going to live in the illusion that people are evil.
If it is possible that people are truly evil, then several figures may come to mind - usually world leaders who have killed and tortured large numbers of people. We may ask, how can someone commit such evil in the world if they are not fundamentally different than us, if they are not themselves evil? But if it is possible for them to be evil, then what saves me from that fate? How do I view myself when I catch myself acting selfishly, or have the desire for revenge, or find ourselves hurting someone out of anger? We either must rationalize it away, so that we can see ourselves as different than really evil people, or we will draw the horrible conclusion that something is wrong with us. We don't understand why we sometimes do things that are "bad". We want to hide that fact from ourselves and others. But inside, we may wonder if we are also evil. The belief in evil will always ultimately come back to us, causing us to separate from others, either because we are better than or worse than.
If you watch an infant, you will see a lot of characteristics which we would call bad if displayed by an adult - demanding of others without any regard of their feelings, total self-centeredness, uncontrolled anger accompanied with attempts to hurt others or destroy property, expecting others to anticipate and take care of his every need. Somehow, with an infant, we can just smile and say, it's okay, that's what babies do. By the time we are adults, we expect each other to have gained control over these basic drives and to have learned new behavior more compatible to living with others.
But these primitive drives don't go away - they simply come under the domain of our will, where we have true choice over our actions, and we can find ways of satisfying our basic needs while not sabotaging our adult requirements. The childish desire to hurt someone who has hurt you, or to control others so you can be superior, is still within us as a potential, but when we are aware of the desire, we can find adult ways of responding to situations so that we meet our true needs.
The problem comes when we are ashamed of our primitive drives, rather than acknowledge and accept them as part of us. The shame causes us to pretend we don't have them, and we "put them in the shadow" - we get to a point where we are no longer conscious that we have those drives. At that point, we have not gotten rid of the drives, we have simply removed them from the dominion of our will, and placed them in a place where they wander freely without our knowledge or permission. Our desire to dominate someone, for example, may come out in hidden ways, what we call passive-agressive, so that our true intent is hidden, at least to us.
If we are truly aware of the primitive drive in us to dominate others, then we will be more able to have compassion when we see someone acting that out, because we recognize the desire in ourselves. When we fool ourselves into thinking we are never angry, never selfish, never fearful, never agressive, never weak, then we cannot help looking down on others who display those characteristics, since we believe we are different than them by not having those characteristics.
We are one. We all have primitive drives, and we all are drawn towards Spirit and compassion. Cutting ourselves off from others through judgment is the same as cutting ourselves off from ourselves.
Radical acceptance does not mean condoning someone's actions, being passive in our response, or not taking action. Radical acceptance also accepts our own needs as legitimate.
The difference is in attitude. Whenever we live in judgment of another person, we cause a separation between ourselves and them. We believe we are somehow better than, more worthy than, and that they can be treated with contempt. When we cast judgment on ourselves, we likewise believe we are less then, are not worthy, and do not deserve what others do. Both of these are illusion. The spiritual reality behind what we see is that we are all one, that the divine lives in each of us, that the separation and divisions between us are illusion - they are illusion in the sense that when you look at the causes of division more closely, you will find at their core a commonality of need.
It is often said, love the person, and hate the action. Even that is not true acceptance. If someone breaks into my house and steals, I may have a reaction of anger, even hatred. Hating an action is equivalent to hating the actor. One option is to go into the desire for revenge, hatred, bitterness, and seek to get even - to bring the thief to justice because I want revenge, because I want to make him suffer to pay for my pain. To live this way and condone this attitude is to choose to live with hatred and revenge as basic values. Choosing not to seek revenge does not mean not taking action. I may still go to court to get repayment for my damages without an attitude of hatred, motivated more out of love for myself and family than out of a desire to hurt the thief.
It is possible to live a life of compassion and love without being a wimp. Defending what we love can take the form of violence, yet still be an act of love. The question is if we are going to live in the illusion that people are evil.
If it is possible that people are truly evil, then several figures may come to mind - usually world leaders who have killed and tortured large numbers of people. We may ask, how can someone commit such evil in the world if they are not fundamentally different than us, if they are not themselves evil? But if it is possible for them to be evil, then what saves me from that fate? How do I view myself when I catch myself acting selfishly, or have the desire for revenge, or find ourselves hurting someone out of anger? We either must rationalize it away, so that we can see ourselves as different than really evil people, or we will draw the horrible conclusion that something is wrong with us. We don't understand why we sometimes do things that are "bad". We want to hide that fact from ourselves and others. But inside, we may wonder if we are also evil. The belief in evil will always ultimately come back to us, causing us to separate from others, either because we are better than or worse than.
If you watch an infant, you will see a lot of characteristics which we would call bad if displayed by an adult - demanding of others without any regard of their feelings, total self-centeredness, uncontrolled anger accompanied with attempts to hurt others or destroy property, expecting others to anticipate and take care of his every need. Somehow, with an infant, we can just smile and say, it's okay, that's what babies do. By the time we are adults, we expect each other to have gained control over these basic drives and to have learned new behavior more compatible to living with others.
But these primitive drives don't go away - they simply come under the domain of our will, where we have true choice over our actions, and we can find ways of satisfying our basic needs while not sabotaging our adult requirements. The childish desire to hurt someone who has hurt you, or to control others so you can be superior, is still within us as a potential, but when we are aware of the desire, we can find adult ways of responding to situations so that we meet our true needs.
The problem comes when we are ashamed of our primitive drives, rather than acknowledge and accept them as part of us. The shame causes us to pretend we don't have them, and we "put them in the shadow" - we get to a point where we are no longer conscious that we have those drives. At that point, we have not gotten rid of the drives, we have simply removed them from the dominion of our will, and placed them in a place where they wander freely without our knowledge or permission. Our desire to dominate someone, for example, may come out in hidden ways, what we call passive-agressive, so that our true intent is hidden, at least to us.
If we are truly aware of the primitive drive in us to dominate others, then we will be more able to have compassion when we see someone acting that out, because we recognize the desire in ourselves. When we fool ourselves into thinking we are never angry, never selfish, never fearful, never agressive, never weak, then we cannot help looking down on others who display those characteristics, since we believe we are different than them by not having those characteristics.
We are one. We all have primitive drives, and we all are drawn towards Spirit and compassion. Cutting ourselves off from others through judgment is the same as cutting ourselves off from ourselves.
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Knowing and Empowering
In working with negative qualities, there is a difference between getting to know our lower drives and empowering them. Suppose I feel betrayed by a friend. Becoming aware of my anger means revealing all that I am feeling to myself - to discover all the thoughts and desires that I am harboring inside regarding the betrayal, and discovering them without judgment. However, when I start to justify my feelings, and building a case on why it is right for me to feel as I do, I am empowering those negative feelings, causing them to last longer. This is why people get stuck in grief, resentment, or depression - they find ways of continually justifying what they are feeling, rather than simply being aware of the mechanism that causes them to feel as they do.
False Desire
A false desire, as opposed to a true desire, is a desire which when examined more closely, melts away to reveal a different desire. I may desire to beat someone. When I examine the desire more closely, I find the true desire is to feel good about myself, not to beat the other person. This lets me let go of the false desire and take steps to achieve the true desire.
It is critical to find and understand our true desire. Without knowing the real drive behind a desire, it is very hard to give it up, because it feels like self-betrayal. If I feel like I am being good to myself by avoiding something as uncomfortable as my taxes, forcing myself to do the taxes feels like I am not being good to myself. Only when I can discover the true desire can I move forward with a good feeling about my own actions.
It is critical to find and understand our true desire. Without knowing the real drive behind a desire, it is very hard to give it up, because it feels like self-betrayal. If I feel like I am being good to myself by avoiding something as uncomfortable as my taxes, forcing myself to do the taxes feels like I am not being good to myself. Only when I can discover the true desire can I move forward with a good feeling about my own actions.
Lesson from the Road
Driving down a road, I work hard to pass a car that was going slow, only to find myself behind a bus, watching that car and several others pass me by.
If my goal is to be ahead, I will often be disappointed. If my goal is to do my best, I can achieve that every time. Having a vested interest in the outcome of a situation I do not control guarantees frustration and disappointment.
If my goal is to be ahead, I will often be disappointed. If my goal is to do my best, I can achieve that every time. Having a vested interest in the outcome of a situation I do not control guarantees frustration and disappointment.
A Formula for Positive Action
A simplified formula to help us achieve the things we really want:
- Notice whenever your sense of peace or serenity is disturbed.
- Become aware of any irrational behavior, thought, urge, or feeling you have that might be the cause.
- Look inside for the false belief, destructive desire, or negative intent that is the cause.
- Embrace the negative - fully express the negativity - exaggerate it, vent it, talk it out, express it physically
- Look for your true desire or beliefs within.
- Embrace the positive - fully visualize, express, or act out your positive intent.
- Choose.
Embracing the negative is a hard step, because our instinct is to suppress the expression, and even the knowledge, of our negative feelings and desires. It is through feeling it fully and expressing it fully that we come to full awareness of what energy we are working with. Avoid the shame that comes from placing judgment on yourself for having those feelings. If you feel ashamed, you're not paying attention. You are focusing on the judgment, on your desire to be different than your are, instead of what is at this moment. This is what mindfulness meditation teaches - to focus on what is, not on what we want or don't want to be.
The more we get to know the negative within us, the less it acts independent of our will, and the more we are able to choose the positive.
- Notice whenever your sense of peace or serenity is disturbed.
- Become aware of any irrational behavior, thought, urge, or feeling you have that might be the cause.
- Look inside for the false belief, destructive desire, or negative intent that is the cause.
- Embrace the negative - fully express the negativity - exaggerate it, vent it, talk it out, express it physically
- Look for your true desire or beliefs within.
- Embrace the positive - fully visualize, express, or act out your positive intent.
- Choose.
Embracing the negative is a hard step, because our instinct is to suppress the expression, and even the knowledge, of our negative feelings and desires. It is through feeling it fully and expressing it fully that we come to full awareness of what energy we are working with. Avoid the shame that comes from placing judgment on yourself for having those feelings. If you feel ashamed, you're not paying attention. You are focusing on the judgment, on your desire to be different than your are, instead of what is at this moment. This is what mindfulness meditation teaches - to focus on what is, not on what we want or don't want to be.
The more we get to know the negative within us, the less it acts independent of our will, and the more we are able to choose the positive.
Unproductive Evening
Another evening where I am frustrated with how I spend my time. When I look at what I did and didn't do, it strikes me that what frustrates me is not how much I get done, or what I get done, but whether or not I fulfill my intention for the evening. When I intend to do certain things, and don't, no matter what I do do, there is a sense of lack of control - I am not able to do what I chose to do. This may be because I chose the wrong tasks, or because I avoided tasks. Following through on my intention is critical to being satisfied with my work.
Euphoria and Depression
As a bipolar, I have known both the distortions of both euphoria and depression. During my worst years of depression, almost anything I looked at filled me with despair. A street sign would be crookard, and the disappointment of imperfection would overwhelm me. Every house built meant destruction of nature, every car meant polution, every person meant more problems.
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
Rationalism and Intuition
In school, we learned, honored, and reveared the rational thinkers of our age - scientists, mathmaticians, biologists, etc. Somehow, the "soft" subjects of art and music seemed inferior to flying to the moon or finding a cure for a disease. The rush we got from the age of reason was still upon us.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
The Lower Nature
My work with the Pathwork concept of the lower nature continues to yield insights.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
The Observer
The Buddhist concept of the observer is related to the higher brain that humans have and animals do not. We have the capability of conceptualizing ourselves within a situation as simply one player on the stage, rather than seeing everything as focused on us. It takes a child a while to develop the realization that he is like the other people around them, and that other people experience him in a similar way to how he experiences them.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
Honoring our Past Self
When people grow, or learn some life lesson, sometimes they look back on where they used to be with distain. "How could I have been so stupid? It's so obvious! I must have been blind!" In rejecting their past self, they set up a paradigm that they are not okay unless they have learned certain lessons. And that paradigm leads to questioning if they have learned enough to be okay today. Maybe they are still "stupid" and "blind". This leads to the choice of an endless quest to make onesself perfect to escape the shame of our imperfection, or to becoming fundamentalist and believing that they finally have the right answers, and there is nothing more to learn.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
A Formula for Dysaction
Thinking this morning about my fear of closeness, a fear of being trapped in a relationship, of losing my ability to determine my own life and path. I see two steps to getting out of dysaction [any action contrary to intent] - full awareness of the false desire or belief [a desire or belief which, when examined more closely, turns out not to be what you truly desire or believe], and then true awareness of the true desire or belief - that is, who you really are underneath the dysaction.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Crashing on Taxes
Doing taxes tonight, with support from a friend. Certain activities have an immediate depressive effect on me - I become very sluggish, sullen, unwilling to put up with anything. I need my house mortgage statement - dark forces well up inside as I reach for a pile of paper. Suppressed rage, feeling hopeless, controlled. The absurdity of the questions on TurboTax galls me.
The feelings are so out of proportion to the stimulus that if this were not a common occurrance, I would question my sanity. I feel like a small child, angry and humiliated, being forced to do something I hate, having no say and no power. Obvious regression here - scenes of my mother standing tall over me, glaring down to watch as I erase the pencil marks from the wall. The sense of powerlessness and hatred are strong.
Why this task, and not another? In the past four months I have let go of so much resentment and bitterness towards the world. Yet some triggers linger. It is so clear in others - I see a friend go into a rage at an innocent statement, and he sputters incoherently and leaves angry. Only several days' distance allows him to see the strangeness of his own actions.
Our brains regularly misfunction, causing untold pain and destruction, yet we are so used to it, we don't even notice it. "Oh, he's just having a bad day." "She was so furious she threw dishes at him." "Yeah, he drinks a lot ever since his mother died." Like the cell phone, we know to expect signal loss and static, and we think nothing of it, but if our land phone did that, we would be furious.
We turn the wheel in the car left, and the car goes left. If it went right, even one percent of the time, the car would be totally unacceptable to us. Yet our minds desire to diet, but we eat the cake. We intend to be loving to our children, and wind up yelling at them. We want peace, yet we go to war. Something is wrong. Our minds are broken. We don't act consistently according to our own intent.
Actually, given that our minds are the byproduct of an unintelligent process of survival of the species, it is astounding that we can think at all. Logic came to our minds because we survived better than creatures that could not use logic. It is like learning that two plus two equals four through trial and error instead of through logic. No wonder that millions of years of instinctual living regularly interfere with this quirky new capability of the mind we call reason.
We are largely unfit for a world that demands us to be reasonable.
The feelings are so out of proportion to the stimulus that if this were not a common occurrance, I would question my sanity. I feel like a small child, angry and humiliated, being forced to do something I hate, having no say and no power. Obvious regression here - scenes of my mother standing tall over me, glaring down to watch as I erase the pencil marks from the wall. The sense of powerlessness and hatred are strong.
Why this task, and not another? In the past four months I have let go of so much resentment and bitterness towards the world. Yet some triggers linger. It is so clear in others - I see a friend go into a rage at an innocent statement, and he sputters incoherently and leaves angry. Only several days' distance allows him to see the strangeness of his own actions.
Our brains regularly misfunction, causing untold pain and destruction, yet we are so used to it, we don't even notice it. "Oh, he's just having a bad day." "She was so furious she threw dishes at him." "Yeah, he drinks a lot ever since his mother died." Like the cell phone, we know to expect signal loss and static, and we think nothing of it, but if our land phone did that, we would be furious.
We turn the wheel in the car left, and the car goes left. If it went right, even one percent of the time, the car would be totally unacceptable to us. Yet our minds desire to diet, but we eat the cake. We intend to be loving to our children, and wind up yelling at them. We want peace, yet we go to war. Something is wrong. Our minds are broken. We don't act consistently according to our own intent.
Actually, given that our minds are the byproduct of an unintelligent process of survival of the species, it is astounding that we can think at all. Logic came to our minds because we survived better than creatures that could not use logic. It is like learning that two plus two equals four through trial and error instead of through logic. No wonder that millions of years of instinctual living regularly interfere with this quirky new capability of the mind we call reason.
We are largely unfit for a world that demands us to be reasonable.
Light and Shadow
Last night, in counseling a friend, she asked if she was guilty of making a bad situation happen because of some secret harbored resentment she might have. The inclination we have in counseling is to steer someone away from guilt, to assure them it is not their fault, to help them feel good about themselves. Instead, the influence of Pathwork caused me to tell her to honestly look to see if there was resentment there, and if it had influenced her in some way.
It is a delicate balance. Many of us, especially those of us who have been abused, have blamed ourselves and suffered under terrible guilt for years, and only by placing the blame where it belongs do we find liberation from the devistating self-abuse of shame. However, there is also a tremendous relief experienced when a person uncovers some negative motivation within them and can honestly admit to having it, acting upon it, and even enjoying it. It is the relief of no longer having to hide who we are.
The trick in acknowledging our negative qualities is this: we must understand that all humans have qualities of selfishness, ill intent, jealousy, fear, as well as qualities of compassion, altruism, delight in the good fortune of others. The negative qualities do not make us bad; they are not all we are. In fact, they are a very small portion of who we are.
When we do not acknowledge our faults, then we become victims of our own nature: "I couldn't help it" "Society/my parents/my gender made me this way." As a victim of a force we deem we can't control, we become exactly what we fear - a creature that is inherently flawed. By shunning responsibility for our actions, we cause the blame to fall on our nature instead. When we acknowledge and embrace the part we play in our own dysfunction, in the sabotage of our own lives, we both acknowledge that it was a choice, and therefore could be different, and acknowledge that we who dislike our own action are creatures who strive for something higher. Thus, fully acknowledging and embracing our shadows causes us to recognize that we are not what we are embracing. If we have a shadow, it is only because we are living in light.
It is a delicate balance. Many of us, especially those of us who have been abused, have blamed ourselves and suffered under terrible guilt for years, and only by placing the blame where it belongs do we find liberation from the devistating self-abuse of shame. However, there is also a tremendous relief experienced when a person uncovers some negative motivation within them and can honestly admit to having it, acting upon it, and even enjoying it. It is the relief of no longer having to hide who we are.
The trick in acknowledging our negative qualities is this: we must understand that all humans have qualities of selfishness, ill intent, jealousy, fear, as well as qualities of compassion, altruism, delight in the good fortune of others. The negative qualities do not make us bad; they are not all we are. In fact, they are a very small portion of who we are.
When we do not acknowledge our faults, then we become victims of our own nature: "I couldn't help it" "Society/my parents/my gender made me this way." As a victim of a force we deem we can't control, we become exactly what we fear - a creature that is inherently flawed. By shunning responsibility for our actions, we cause the blame to fall on our nature instead. When we acknowledge and embrace the part we play in our own dysfunction, in the sabotage of our own lives, we both acknowledge that it was a choice, and therefore could be different, and acknowledge that we who dislike our own action are creatures who strive for something higher. Thus, fully acknowledging and embracing our shadows causes us to recognize that we are not what we are embracing. If we have a shadow, it is only because we are living in light.
Entries
What I hope to use this for is a journal of my thoughts as I work on personal transformation, working with clients on their personal transformation, and working with my community on creating something new, daring, different, difficult, but hopefully deeply rewarding. This format allows me to just drone on and on instead of carefully picking my words. And while that can be boring, I feel that something is lost to organization, and that the raw flow of thoughts contains more of the stuff of life than books and lectures. I have no idea how often I will post, but I hope to do so more or less daily, just for the discipline of expressing my thoughts on a regular basis.