Fatal Attractions

We are often attracted to people - lovers, heros, groups, etc. - because we see something in the other that we want. Something within us responds to the energy we see, and we realize we want more of that energy in our lives, within ourselves. The energy we are attracted to is already latent within us, or there would be no attraction.

A vital attraction is one where we change because of who we are with - we learn and take on the characteristics we desire. A fatal attraction is one that has resistance as well as desire, an energy we both want and which we forbid ourselves.

Suppose through some early circumstance, we do not allow ourselves to be happy and spontaneous. We meet someone of the opposite sex who is carefree, easygoing, playful, and something deep within responds. We want to be able to go there, yet our internal rules say we can't.

If it is a romantic attraction, we may become deeply involved with this person, loving, even worshipping that characteristic we so much wish for ourselves. We bond and start to become one with them, drawing them into ourselves so that we can have that energy, and start to merge our identities.

But then the inevitable happens. The force within us that won't allow us to have that energy, now starts to direct itself to the one merged with us, the one who has become a part of us. The force demands that everything that is a part of us suppress that energy. So the things that used to delight us in the other, now annoy us, seem silly, unnecessary, even annoying or cruel. The attraction becomes fatal, stimulating the destroyer within us, who has not yet been recognized as the killer of our own vital energies.

We can never get from another what we resist within ourselves. Our desire keeps us emotionally distant, because we see the other as different than ourselves. And our resistance suppress the very energy we desire in anyone who gets too close, because we have not yet acknowledged our own shadow.

This is one of the meanings of that phrase, "The answer lies within." We desire another's energy because it is our nature to have that energy ourselves, and it is we ourselves who are resisting the energy. Until we see our role in it, we will continue to pull others to ourselves, only to push them away when they get too close.

Think of the passion we feel for someone apparently different than us - "She's so beautiful! She moves with such grace! She's so lively, so charming!" The deep attraction we feel is actually our desire to allow those same characteristics within us to come forth freely. This is how deeply we want to be our true selves. If we realize we are attracted to our own true potential, we can let go of the desperate fantasy that we will not be whole without them, and begin to appreciate them as someone who embodies our own true characteristics.

Comment posted by jackie
at 3/27/2006 6:53:00 PM
Gene,

I have lately felt that the people I am with are like mirrors of my self. Some of them reflect aspects that I yearn and others reflect aspects I deny, or reject. The difference is that a mirror is static and a person is dynamic.
It is this energy in another that spot lights my shadows, making my shadows invisible, that which makes shadow remains there but to notice it with interest and acceptance the shadow is enlightened.

So I consider an encounter with another an opportunity to get to know about the stranger that I am.
I invite those qualities in people to merge with mine. I know you and you know me.