Radical Forgiveness

A few weeks ago, I sped-read a book called "Radical Forgiveness". It had some unique ideas, and I enjoyed it and set it aside.

But one idea keeps coming back to haunt me - the blasphemous suggestion that we never need to forgive anyone because no one has ever done us any wrong!

This is an absolute affront to my cherished state of being a victim, being sexually and physically abused as a child, being treated unfairly, not having everything I deserve from life, having people not love me the way they should.

I'm not sure I can really swallow the assertion; yet it keeps on haunting me. The implication is that I am powerful, that other people's actions are simply challenges for me to respond to, rather than a personal affront that I have to put up with. It has little to do with responsibility - we are all responsible for our own actions. It has everything to do with how I see myself in this world.

Over the years that I've thought about my childhood, my attitude towards my parents have slowly softened. It is not because I am avoiding feeling my anger, or because what they did is not so bad. It is because I have slowly seen their humanness. Being a parent myself, while I pride myself on not repeating the abuse I received, I also see how much I have not parented as I had hoped to, and that my son will also have his time of rage at his father, and I am humbled to see myself on both sides of the equasion.

In our new age community, we talk a lot about how we are all one, how the divine lives in us all, how we are angels but have forgotten these things. Yet we seem to make exceptions for certain people - our abusers, an out-of-favor lover, George Bush, the terrorists. I don't hear many people talking about being one with the divine in a suicide bomber. We don't want to acknowledge the bomber in ourselves, nor the hurt in the terrorist.

Is it possible there is nothing to forgive, that what we have experienced at the hands of others is ultimately there for us to learn from? A scary thought. I would need to take a lot more responsibility for my feelings if it were true.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/17/2006 9:48:00 AM
Thanks, Gene, for posting this proposition and your thoughts about it.
Lots of thoughts and reactions popped up in me in response but I'll need
some more time to collect them.

For now, I'd only like to respond to Rich's conclusion that there are
"some glaring fundamental differences [between Islam and
Christianity]..." in their attitude towards forgiveness. The Bible,
too, teaches "an eye for an eye". Simply because it is taught in the
Old Testament, rather than the New one, does not make it any less a
central tenet of Christianity. And it's very much in operation at
present, in this country's reaction to the 9/11 attacks.

Thanks, Rich, for the rest of your reflections.

-- Brigitte

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/17/2006 9:47:00 AM
Or even being one with the divine in George Bush, heh? We don't want to ackowledge the George Bush in ourselves, nor the hurt in George Bush.

(I bring that up because of the palpable hatred against the man that I feel from the mainstream culture. I won't have this conversation in person because the extreme negativity I feel from people who hate him, actually viscerally hate him, is too intense and makes me physically uncomfortable and unsafe. It's weird becuase it's like some actual emanation from them. It makes me believe in auras, though I've never seen one.

Pasha

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/17/2006 9:47:00 AM
I've seen also this quote (on a bumper sticker) attributed to Gandhi:

An "eye for an eye" soon makes the whole world blind

My understanding of the whole "eye for an eye" concept is that Judaic law attempted to rein-in overzealous, retributive justice by attempting to limit the punishment to fit the crime. That is, it's not a prescription for revenge but rather a restraint. If my understanding is correct then I think it changes some things.

I've been intrigued by some of Tara Brach's stuff. Don't know it very well. I'm left with wondering about the concept of "boundaries". Do I get to set limits on what behavior I will tolerate and am I not somehow entitled to protect my own boundaries? And I ask this question both for me as an individual and a member of a larger society.

Pasha

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/17/2006 9:46:00 AM
I think forgiveness is one of the most important virtues a human can develop. For me it sprang from my Christian/Catholic upbringing and I am grateful for being exposed to this concept. I say concept because not all cultures value forgiveness.

Several years ago I visited the Islamic temple near Bailey's crossroads with a group of Unitarians. There were many similarities in what I saw at the temple and what I had seen in my birth religion, but more notable were some glaring fundamental differences. The imam talked about how he did NOT believe in "turning the other cheek" and NOT teach "love your enemies". I left with a feeling of despair rather than hope. As Ghandi said that if you believe in an eye for an eye, you will both end up blind. Hate has to stop somewhere. Someone has to see the divine in the other. Someone has be larger and greater in spirit. Someone has to forgive.

I don't think it is so much a matter of overcoming hate and the desire for revenge as arriving at the point where you truly understand and feel that revenge and hate are pointless. Hate will continue to eat at you, skewing your every thought and action until you become dysfunctional. Revenge will only lead to revenge.

I can see where the author might say in a detached, philosophical sort of way, there is nothing to forgive, assuming the other person was only trying to satisfy their own needs, not hurt the victim, but when you are the victim there are strong, perhaps overwhelming feelings. Forgiveness is your option as a victim to begin healing yourself. It has doesn’t have much to do with the perpetrator. They may not care about your or your forgiveness.

If this sounds a little like a sermon, I ask for forgiveness.

Rich

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/17/2006 9:44:00 AM
This is quite interesting Gene. It feels like true freedom the acknowledgement that we have the gift to choose what benefits us without becoming a slave to a "wrong doing" and carry those chains for the rest of our lives. Thanks for sharing this powerful message.

Jackie