At some stages of our lives, we can only go so far into the darkness, because we do not have the resources to deal with everything we find there. We delve in, and deal with as much as we can, and come back out, or heal, or take a break, and integrate what we've learned. At some point we go back in again, a bit deeper, because ultimately each journey, while it hurts, also teaches us the truth about ourself, and I believe down deep most of us want the truth more than anything, and we are willing to suffer great pains (in sufficiently small doses) in order to find it.
Confronting our darkness usually leads to the necessity of letting go of something we cling to - insistences, dreams, fears, hopes, demands, wounds. The letting go is not easy, and we often fool ourselves by slapping on a new coat of paint.
When we only partially let go, whether it be a relationship, a dream, or a plan, there is a thread left, and the dying is not complete. When the resurrection comes, we will follow that thread back to our old ways - the same patterns, the same boxes, the same insistences we had before. When we can truly let go completely, there is the cold silent darkness of death. There is no road back, no chink of light, no anticipation. We let go, and fall into the abyss, and we are no more.
Only at that point can there be true creation. Only then can we rise from the dead a new creature, bathed in white, free to be truly here now. It is possible, after truly letting go of something, we may still return to the same job, the same relationship, the same house. But this time, it will be by free choice, and by intent, and not out of serving some age-old fear that lurks within. When you have faced death fully, there is no longer a place for fear, and you can live instead by love.
Death can be the ultimate terror, because nothing is promised you on the other side. To truly let go requires total faith that life is ultimately good.
Comment posted by Rich May
at 9/17/2006 10:29:00 AM
I really enjoyed your thoughts, Gene. This vividly shows how we deal with changing ourselves.
There are times when I know something has to change, really change. I often find myself using the same old methods, with perhaps a little more determination than the last time, hoping other people have softened up and will do things my way. I sometimes think leaving people alone for a while, then coming back, I will find they have changed. Perhaps time will have changed them.
It is then I remind myself that doing the same old things, the same old way, will yield the same old results. I know I must be the one to change, not others. Others are not trying to change. They don’t even see a reason to change.
On the other hand, I really don’t want to let go of my dreams. I only want to see them clearer. If they seem contradictory and impossible when I look at them through enlightened eyes, I want to delve deeper into what they truly mean to me. What is it I really want? These hopes are stories covering a deeper need. I want to see what is real and true.
It is very hard to let go. Perhaps dying is too much to ask. The string to the familiar always remains. Even when winter comes and everything seems to die, it all comes back from apparently nowhere in the spring. Maybe just planting something new and doing everything you can to make it grow will be enough.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 9/17/2006 9:47:00 AM
Just think we could actually die many deaths. Each day we have stuff to let go off. Each day we can clean up and start fresh. We can walk gently on this earth, conscious of how all that is will be no more. We can play like a child with the wisdom from our experience.
It is strange how we keep ourselves from doing things for fear that we may die, and we dont even know what this death is other than not existing anymore and not being able to do the things we want.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
No Calamity
If we fully grasped
the preciousness of life
the preciousness of life
the intensity of living would be as great as
the intensity of dying
the intensity of dying
Lying in the grass would be as important
as curing cancer
as curing cancer
Peace would be
as passionate as war
as passionate as war
And we would spend as much energy on giving
as we do on security
as we do on security
If we lived life fully
death would be no calamity
death would be no calamity
Comment posted by Beth
at 8/27/2006 6:36:00 PM
Hi Gene, I just read No Calamity. it is beautiful.
Comment posted by Heidi
at 8/27/2006 11:11:00 AM
Gene,
You've said this so beautifully - our passion, intensity, joy and love of life for the simple sake of life is our most precious possession and our richest gift to each person we connect with.
Thank you for your clear words.
Heidi
Little Bobbing Heads
This morning, the clouds outside my window are completely still, like a painting. They are so still that I can see the progress of the slowly rising sun behind them, periodically peeping out through a break before gliding on behind the next cloud.
Out there, in God's world, there is no anger, no hate, no right or wrong. There are no should's or shouldn'ts, justice or injustice - there are only clouds, sun, breeze, sounds, creatures. In my head, a totally different world rages - what people should and shouldn't do, what is fair and unfair, how some things are better than others, or worse than others. Throughout this planet are billions of little heads bobbing around with worlds similar to mine, believing in rights and wrongs, just and unjust wars, all convinced that their little world is reality.
Yet between all these little bobbing heads is this vast space, filled with air, trees, creatures, events, sounds, sights - and not any hint of right or wrong, beauty or ugliness. Words like "better" make no sense in this world - is a tree better than a bird without someone to compare them? Is a flower beautiful without an admirer? Only when the eyes in these little heads transmit the signals of what they see to the gray matter not far behind, those signals are reinterpreted to justify the little world inside.
It is odd that we, the most conscious creature on the planet, should be so unconscious of the difference between what we see and what we believe we see.
Comment posted by Tom
at 8/15/2006 2:14:00 PM
I enjoyed your latest blog post. You are becoming a true advaitan! (non-dualist) (smile)
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/15/2006 9:20:00 AM
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" some say, but I think it's also in what is beheld, and we are spirit and flesh, beholding.--Andy
Out there, in God's world, there is no anger, no hate, no right or wrong. There are no should's or shouldn'ts, justice or injustice - there are only clouds, sun, breeze, sounds, creatures. In my head, a totally different world rages - what people should and shouldn't do, what is fair and unfair, how some things are better than others, or worse than others. Throughout this planet are billions of little heads bobbing around with worlds similar to mine, believing in rights and wrongs, just and unjust wars, all convinced that their little world is reality.
Yet between all these little bobbing heads is this vast space, filled with air, trees, creatures, events, sounds, sights - and not any hint of right or wrong, beauty or ugliness. Words like "better" make no sense in this world - is a tree better than a bird without someone to compare them? Is a flower beautiful without an admirer? Only when the eyes in these little heads transmit the signals of what they see to the gray matter not far behind, those signals are reinterpreted to justify the little world inside.
It is odd that we, the most conscious creature on the planet, should be so unconscious of the difference between what we see and what we believe we see.
Comment posted by Tom
at 8/15/2006 2:14:00 PM
I enjoyed your latest blog post. You are becoming a true advaitan! (non-dualist) (smile)
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/15/2006 9:20:00 AM
"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" some say, but I think it's also in what is beheld, and we are spirit and flesh, beholding.--Andy
Thursday, August 10, 2006
The Mystery of Spirit
There are things in the world that fill us with awe. Something as simple as a blue sky in the morning can bring an untamed joy to our sleep heads. A wildflower may arrest our stroll and attention with its beauty and delicacy.
Yet there is no beauty inherent in any of these things. The symmetry, delicacy, color, and scent of the flower are not good or bad - they are just what they are. The experience of beauty resides solely inside of the observer.
Here is the mystery - how does a conscious, feeling, experiencing being arise out of a mechanical and unconscious universe? How can a ghost live within a machine, so alien to its nature? While our bodies obviously belong to the earth, and we share many similarities with the animals and other life forms, our spirits - our consciousness, our feelings, our interpretation of what we experience - seem alien to this world. We look around, and we find ourselves alone among in our experience of wonder and despair.
Yet, like the voice of a gospel singer rising freely above the supporting steady rhythm of the choir, there is a glory in our wild spirituality that sores so high above the rational and physical world that created us. It is only human beings who can understand how wonderful the world is, and who likewise will understand the depths of the tragedy should it not survive.
The miracle is not the beauty of this world - the miracle is that there are human beings that stare in awe and wonder, and are filled with feelings of incredible joy when they behold it. It is only within our experience of the universe that the miraculous lives.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/10/2006 8:14:00 PM
What a fascinating subject, the mystery of spirit, how our life and consciousness on this fragile planet came to be, and what we are and what we are part of, and where we might go from here. Faith in creation by God conflicts with the scientific view of chemical events and evolution of life on a hospitable planet in an immense universe coming from a big bang, and out of these ways of thinking I wonder if our seemingly cold and material universe might have some kind of consciousness--spirit--, that some may call God, that is reflected in physical laws such as gravity, and in nature and life and in our human consciousness, even though this universal consciousness does not come from a physical brain as our human consciousness does. Humanity must realize its potential and destiny, not only to survive, progress and improve itself, but to explore the universe and search for other intelligent life. On this subject, some might enjoy reading "Starmaker" by Olaf Stapledon, an imaginative story of a man whose mind explores the universe in search of other intelligent life and the Starmaker, which is God.--Andy
Yet there is no beauty inherent in any of these things. The symmetry, delicacy, color, and scent of the flower are not good or bad - they are just what they are. The experience of beauty resides solely inside of the observer.
Here is the mystery - how does a conscious, feeling, experiencing being arise out of a mechanical and unconscious universe? How can a ghost live within a machine, so alien to its nature? While our bodies obviously belong to the earth, and we share many similarities with the animals and other life forms, our spirits - our consciousness, our feelings, our interpretation of what we experience - seem alien to this world. We look around, and we find ourselves alone among in our experience of wonder and despair.
Yet, like the voice of a gospel singer rising freely above the supporting steady rhythm of the choir, there is a glory in our wild spirituality that sores so high above the rational and physical world that created us. It is only human beings who can understand how wonderful the world is, and who likewise will understand the depths of the tragedy should it not survive.
The miracle is not the beauty of this world - the miracle is that there are human beings that stare in awe and wonder, and are filled with feelings of incredible joy when they behold it. It is only within our experience of the universe that the miraculous lives.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/10/2006 8:14:00 PM
What a fascinating subject, the mystery of spirit, how our life and consciousness on this fragile planet came to be, and what we are and what we are part of, and where we might go from here. Faith in creation by God conflicts with the scientific view of chemical events and evolution of life on a hospitable planet in an immense universe coming from a big bang, and out of these ways of thinking I wonder if our seemingly cold and material universe might have some kind of consciousness--spirit--, that some may call God, that is reflected in physical laws such as gravity, and in nature and life and in our human consciousness, even though this universal consciousness does not come from a physical brain as our human consciousness does. Humanity must realize its potential and destiny, not only to survive, progress and improve itself, but to explore the universe and search for other intelligent life. On this subject, some might enjoy reading "Starmaker" by Olaf Stapledon, an imaginative story of a man whose mind explores the universe in search of other intelligent life and the Starmaker, which is God.--Andy
Sunday, August 6, 2006
Meditation as Coming Home
I am an irregular meditator - my habit comes and goes with my mood. I have never found sufficient discipline nor guilt to meditate regularly each day. But I am aware enough of when the need is there, and often make use of my small back yard to sit and connect with something bigger than myself.
This past week, something happened that has never happened to me before. I found myself looking forward to meditating as an actual relief from my normal mental habits. It felt like a warm and familiar place, one where I could relax - like finally, it was okay to not be constantly judging, or deciding what I should or should not be doing, or what was okay or not okay with the world.
For a few minutes, I was relieved of the burden of having to decide the morality of every action that every person and government took, as well as my own self-worth, and worthiness of love. I could let go of anger, interpretation, theories, and return to that space where all I need to do is observe. I hadn't realized how tiring it gets trying to make sure I am right all the time.
My place of meditation that day felt very familiar, like an old friend, as if I was held in warm hands like a baby - nothing to do, nothing to decide, nothing to judge. It felt familiar, being outside, hearing the cicadas, feeling the sun. All there was to do was notice how things were, and to notice myself noticing how things were. It was so simple.
That feeling returned the next few times I meditated, like and old friend greeting me, and I settled down to simply enjoy being there. A few times, I found my mind drifting back to the world of moral responsibility, but I quickly returned to my friend, the world around me, who was patiently waiting for me. I felt like I should apologize for drifting off while in his presence, but realized there was no need to, because his presence was still there, just as strong and warm as before.
It feels like I have come home.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/7/2006 4:02:00 PM
I'm glad meditation does so much for you, Gene! Back in the 1970's I was initiated in TM (Transcendental Meditation) for relaxation. Ahhhh! I promised not to reveal the technique, so I won't. Some ways of meditation, some described in books, involve no word or mantra, and some do, such as "One", to be repeated silently in rhythm with the breathing, or naturally, not in rhythm. Whatever works with you is fine! I do not mean to push TM or any one technique. And I would recommend regular exercize also. With TM, at first I felt what seemed like energy streaming along my spine, and felt refreshed and cleansed and youthful, like I would never feel tired. At a meeting of new TM initiates, others reported other experiences, some simply relaxation. Days later, continuing TM, what I felt was just relaxation, as if the initial cleansing and newness were done. Once at a meeting about meditation, not TM, the one leading simply said "Go into your space" and I did just that, like being asleep or unconscious--nobody ever told me to do that before--I must have needed that! Now, years later, I am out of the habit, and meditate seldom, and usually have the TV or radio on except to sleep. What Gene said brings back memories. Although I am retired and no longer have the stress of office work, my better judgement tells me it would be good for me to meditate regularly, or at least now and then. Andy
Comment posted by Lee
at 8/7/2006 10:30:00 AM
Thank you so much for your thoughts. The words I use for myself are attentiveness and noticing; they speak to me in a way I want.
I'm trying to develop life itself as a meditation...........not only as something I set aside time to do. For instance, writing this reply is a form of meditation.
So I'm at the stage of checking in with me and discovering how much attentiveness I feel.......is my mind all over the place; am I focused; CAN I focus and I just notice. Once I notice I look at whether I want to be where I am and if I don't what will it take me to shift. As I'm writing this it sounds very mechanical/in-the-head, but it isn't. It's very fluid and heartful.
Perhaps an example would help. This past week at work..(I'm a nurse)....I had worked 40 hours in 3 days (12-12-16) and was on day 4 working a 12-hour shift. I got a very difficult energy-sucking patient admission. It came to change of shift for the 8-hour nurses and the admission (which wasn't finished) now didn't fall into my block of rooms. Another nurse asked if wanted to keep the admission when she was dividing the patient load. She asked in a way that I interpreted she wanted me to keep the admission. I said to her, "I hear you saying that you want me to keep the admission and no I don't want to keep the admission and I'm exhausted". Those words came out of my mouth and I instantly noticed I needed to get a grip on things; I was out of control. It wasn't her fault I was exhausted. I had chosen to work those hours and I was working another 12 hours the next day with this same nurse. Just the noticing helped me tremendously. I got up and walked over to the assignment board and said I would keep the admission to finish as much as I could in my 12 hours. I live with this mind-set at work that I need to get it all done and it has to be complete and perfect and it makes me crazy......we're a 24/7 operation and it's the responsibility of all of us........I don't have to carry that responsibility load myself.
I went into day 5 knowing my energy was low, even though I had gone to bed early to protect my energy.....I was now working 64 hours in 5 days. I was very conscious that no matter what happened that I wanted to practice remaining upbeat. Sure enough, doesn't one of my patients almost code and I've got to get him off my floor down to ICU. I cannot tell you how much energy this can take and the documentation after the patient has been cared for is enormous and very time consuming. It only took a moment of noticing when the adrenalin rush was coming down after the patient was off the floor and I was documenting that while I was enormously behind, I was taking it all in stride.
So what makes me out-of-control one time and in-stride the next.........that my friend is the key. As I said, I'm only in the noticing stage......but my practice of observing me and all around me is growing and I'm learning every day! Gene, thanks for sharing. It was great to spend this time with you and those who might read.
This past week, something happened that has never happened to me before. I found myself looking forward to meditating as an actual relief from my normal mental habits. It felt like a warm and familiar place, one where I could relax - like finally, it was okay to not be constantly judging, or deciding what I should or should not be doing, or what was okay or not okay with the world.
For a few minutes, I was relieved of the burden of having to decide the morality of every action that every person and government took, as well as my own self-worth, and worthiness of love. I could let go of anger, interpretation, theories, and return to that space where all I need to do is observe. I hadn't realized how tiring it gets trying to make sure I am right all the time.
My place of meditation that day felt very familiar, like an old friend, as if I was held in warm hands like a baby - nothing to do, nothing to decide, nothing to judge. It felt familiar, being outside, hearing the cicadas, feeling the sun. All there was to do was notice how things were, and to notice myself noticing how things were. It was so simple.
That feeling returned the next few times I meditated, like and old friend greeting me, and I settled down to simply enjoy being there. A few times, I found my mind drifting back to the world of moral responsibility, but I quickly returned to my friend, the world around me, who was patiently waiting for me. I felt like I should apologize for drifting off while in his presence, but realized there was no need to, because his presence was still there, just as strong and warm as before.
It feels like I have come home.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/7/2006 4:02:00 PM
I'm glad meditation does so much for you, Gene! Back in the 1970's I was initiated in TM (Transcendental Meditation) for relaxation. Ahhhh! I promised not to reveal the technique, so I won't. Some ways of meditation, some described in books, involve no word or mantra, and some do, such as "One", to be repeated silently in rhythm with the breathing, or naturally, not in rhythm. Whatever works with you is fine! I do not mean to push TM or any one technique. And I would recommend regular exercize also. With TM, at first I felt what seemed like energy streaming along my spine, and felt refreshed and cleansed and youthful, like I would never feel tired. At a meeting of new TM initiates, others reported other experiences, some simply relaxation. Days later, continuing TM, what I felt was just relaxation, as if the initial cleansing and newness were done. Once at a meeting about meditation, not TM, the one leading simply said "Go into your space" and I did just that, like being asleep or unconscious--nobody ever told me to do that before--I must have needed that! Now, years later, I am out of the habit, and meditate seldom, and usually have the TV or radio on except to sleep. What Gene said brings back memories. Although I am retired and no longer have the stress of office work, my better judgement tells me it would be good for me to meditate regularly, or at least now and then. Andy
Comment posted by Lee
at 8/7/2006 10:30:00 AM
Thank you so much for your thoughts. The words I use for myself are attentiveness and noticing; they speak to me in a way I want.
I'm trying to develop life itself as a meditation...........not only as something I set aside time to do. For instance, writing this reply is a form of meditation.
So I'm at the stage of checking in with me and discovering how much attentiveness I feel.......is my mind all over the place; am I focused; CAN I focus and I just notice. Once I notice I look at whether I want to be where I am and if I don't what will it take me to shift. As I'm writing this it sounds very mechanical/in-the-head, but it isn't. It's very fluid and heartful.
Perhaps an example would help. This past week at work..(I'm a nurse)....I had worked 40 hours in 3 days (12-12-16) and was on day 4 working a 12-hour shift. I got a very difficult energy-sucking patient admission. It came to change of shift for the 8-hour nurses and the admission (which wasn't finished) now didn't fall into my block of rooms. Another nurse asked if wanted to keep the admission when she was dividing the patient load. She asked in a way that I interpreted she wanted me to keep the admission. I said to her, "I hear you saying that you want me to keep the admission and no I don't want to keep the admission and I'm exhausted". Those words came out of my mouth and I instantly noticed I needed to get a grip on things; I was out of control. It wasn't her fault I was exhausted. I had chosen to work those hours and I was working another 12 hours the next day with this same nurse. Just the noticing helped me tremendously. I got up and walked over to the assignment board and said I would keep the admission to finish as much as I could in my 12 hours. I live with this mind-set at work that I need to get it all done and it has to be complete and perfect and it makes me crazy......we're a 24/7 operation and it's the responsibility of all of us........I don't have to carry that responsibility load myself.
I went into day 5 knowing my energy was low, even though I had gone to bed early to protect my energy.....I was now working 64 hours in 5 days. I was very conscious that no matter what happened that I wanted to practice remaining upbeat. Sure enough, doesn't one of my patients almost code and I've got to get him off my floor down to ICU. I cannot tell you how much energy this can take and the documentation after the patient has been cared for is enormous and very time consuming. It only took a moment of noticing when the adrenalin rush was coming down after the patient was off the floor and I was documenting that while I was enormously behind, I was taking it all in stride.
So what makes me out-of-control one time and in-stride the next.........that my friend is the key. As I said, I'm only in the noticing stage......but my practice of observing me and all around me is growing and I'm learning every day! Gene, thanks for sharing. It was great to spend this time with you and those who might read.
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