Love and Loneliness

I found myself today sitting staring at an empty inbox, waiting for an email to come in - not any particular email from any particular person; just any email that would touch and move me and make me feel connected.

I've come some ways from the realization a couple of years ago that I needed more relationships of depth in my life.  I am slowly learning what this deep sense of loneliness is all about, and instead of trying to find someone to blame, I am seeking to get to know this need and what it really means.

Part of my longing, I am sure, comes out of a deeper realization of the connection I did not have as a child, and I am aware of the danger of a "frozen need" - a need born in a time of scarcity that can never be satisfied because of the pain that lingers.  But awareness of my past is helping me mourn and let go of what I did not have, and now ask, as an aware adult, what do I really need at this stage of my life?  What is the true need today, above and beyond the memories of a lonely childhood?

We strive, at least I do, to answer the ultimate question:  Am I okay - meaning, am I lovable? Am I worthy of love? Do I have a place in this universe where I belong, where I fit in a way that feels intuitively natural? Can I finally cease the eternal self-doubt and questioning that dogs every step?  Can I finally relax?  No simple affirmation can silence this question - it takes more than words.

Many say we must learn to love ourselves, and ultimately meet our own needs for love and acceptance.  And there is truth to that.  However, the way we learn to love ourselves is to first be loved by another.  This was supposed to happen in childhood, so by the time we walked out those doors, we had a well-established habit of deeply knowing and caring for ourselves.  For some of us, that never happened.  And the kind of love available to us as adults will never replace the unconditional and all-encompassing love a mother can give.

Perhaps a deeper question, then, is:  can we fully receive the love that is there for us today?  Despite the flawed and inconsistent nature of others' love for us, can we see beyond the illusion of betrayal and abandonment to some form of love that will always be present?  

We must learn from the limited love others can give us, how to love ourselves - not an impossible task, but certainly more challenging.  We must recognize each failure of love as a reflection not on us, but on the limits of human ability, and then extrapolate from those imperfect experiences to a larger experience where we are completely loved, and therefore completely lovable.