Freedom from, freedom to

One of my greatest fears in life is that of being trapped - trapped in a relationship, trapped in a destructive pattern, trapped by lack of options, trapped by lack of power. I have only felt truly free when I was alone, because I tended to take on the obligation of pleasing those near to me.

My fear of being trapped comes from a rigid upbringing, where I was taught the "right" way to be and to act; disobedience was punished severely until my will was broken, and I would obey my mother's will without questioning. I had a pseudo-freedom - when I accepted the limitations placed on me, life became easier. I was rewarded for being docile. As an adult, I have broken away from that and have gone my own way - but fear still dogs my footsteps, and I am always waiting for the punishment to start.

Thus I kept focusing on rights instead of wants - I had to make sure I guarded my freedom, or I would lose it. I focused on freedom from - from structure, from restrictive relationships, from commitments and obligations, from anything that could entrap me - instead of freedom to - to pursue my passions, to make life mine, to discover who I truly was. I was running from instead of running towards.

My fear has been based on a belief in my powerlessness - a belief that I will not be able to resist the forces against me. I was like a bird with clipped wings - I had freedom from the cage, but no freedom to fly. But the fact is that I am no longer a child whose freedom can be restricted and punished at will - like the elephant on a string, I am only restricted because I have not realized I am powerful, that things have changed. My parents are dead, I am a capable and intelligent adult, and I can do as I please.

Only when I know I can avoid what I don't want, can I begin to relax in my power and focus on what I do want. Knowing my power will allow me to start to look around, and ask, what is my desire, instead of what is my right.

Neediness and need

We all have needs that must be met by other human beings, from needing someone else to grow our food, to needing the companionship of another human being. These are legitimate needs, and unless we choose to become a hermit and grow our own food, others will always be involved in meeting those needs.

Neediness means expecting someone else to figure out how to meet our needs. This places the responsibility on the other person to "do it right", and allows us the luxury of complaining or criticizing them for not helping us, not doing enough, or not doing the right thing.

Taking responsibility for our needs does not mean we do not ask anyone to help; it means we figure out how to meet our needs, then seek someone willing to do what we want. I can't go to a hardware store and ask them to build me a birdhouse; but I can learn how to build a birdhouse and go to the hardware store to get the supplies I need. This gives me freedom to choose how to meet my need - if the store doesn't have the right tools or supplies, I can go to another store until I find what I need, or find another way of building my birdhouse.

We need each other, but we do not need any one person, or any one thing from a particular person. That is our strategy, not the need itself. We cannot obligate anyone to help us, but we can get what we need based on the help and love already available to us.

One source of support is a community with whom we have built goodwill - i.e., we have connected to a community that loves and appreciates us, and we have given abundantly to those in need so that they are willing to do the same for us. Finding people who love us, and to whom we can give our love, is part of our responsibility as adults to provide support when we need it.

You can want; I can say no

Often in relationships, I find someone else's desire for me to do something different, an uncomfortable experience. My tendency is to want them to stop desiring what they want, or to stop expressing their desire. The result of that is that they have to tiptoe around, acting as if they don't want it, contrary to their true self. To ask them not to ask is to repeat the same sin.

My discomfort comes from my ambiguity of wanting to please them, and wanting to take care of myself and my needs. I'd rather not have the problem in my face than resolve the ambiguity.

But this is no way to live. Having feelings one cannot express always causes distance and destroys intimacy. My job is to learn to deal with my ambiguity. I need to face the possibility of disappointing another human being by fully hearing and acknowledging their longing while saying I am choosing not to fulfill it.

By allowing them to deal with my decision, the responsibility for the desire is placed back on the person desiring it, rather than me taking responsibility for making another person happy.

We will never forget

I long to be understood, to be heard. And sometimes it happens - sometimes another soul in this world truly gets who I am and what I feel.

But there is a part of me that is so used to not being understood, that I easily discount the bit of connection I experienced and quickly return to feeling not understood.

I have built a shrine to the tragedy of the unheard boy, the tragedy I lived for many years as a child. A part of me is so addicted to the pathos of that tragedy that I would rather continue reliving it than to open my eyes and accept the abundance of people around me who will actually listen.

The shrine, titled "We Will Never Forget", is actually a form of resentment, of repeating our litany of how we were abused, of reaffirming our victimhood. We hold onto the dead body instead of burying it and getting on with life.

I need to switch from worshiping the dead, to mourning the loss, to letting go, to embracing new life and abundance. This is the journey of healing.

Vision of living in primal energy

Go through life, experiencing everything fully, especially our own hangups and revelations. Feel your feelings fully, like a primal, in the moment; healing can happen in an instant if we are truly open to the feelings and wisdom within. Feelings cement the wisdom within us.

But feeling alone is just hysteria - it must be fully supported by facts, compassion, wisdom, experience, knowledge, in order to have substance. In other words, don't make exaggerated, superlative statements. Be grounded, in touch with what is. Hold the highs down to the ground - stay reality-based, but feel reality fully. In religious terms, this is worshiping the true god (what is) instead of a false god (our story of what is).

Skills of awareness

There are several basic skills we must have before we really can begin to develop our awareness:

- Learn to distinguish between life-long stories and reality. Start to notice what is actually real, what is present, in contrast to what you believe.

- Be aware of your triggers and limits. Learn what situations are likely to trigger you, and prepare for it ahead of time. Have a plan of action ready to keep yourself safe when you are in the presence of something that triggers you - something that will make it less likely that you will lose your awareness and fall into old stories and dysaction [action contrary to your own values]. Do what you need to do to keep yourself in a place where you can think clearly and act rightly.

- Handle your triggers. When we get triggered, we may say and do things we regret, and our thoughts and beliefs may become distorted. Handling our triggers means we eventually come back to a place of responsibility - we apologize and clean up any mess we have made. We articulate the distortions in our thoughts and actions, and restate to those affected what our true intention and beliefs are, so that trust can be rebuilt.

Desensitizing trauma

When trying to correct the beliefs that come from a trauma, pick battles that you know you can win. When you seek to overcome a pattern of failure in achieving certain goals, pick goals that are small enough so that you know you can achieve them - like writing one line in the book you want to publish. Likewise, if you are battling with the belief that you are powerless to change your life, pick very small battles to prove to yourself that you are capable of doing something.

It is more important to break the belief that you are helpless, than to try to prove you are superhuman.

If you overlay the present desire with too much fear energy from the past, the fear may cause you to lose the battle in the present moment, replicating the experience of losing the battle in the past, and reinforcing the belief that you are helpless.

Pick a battle you know you can win. Courage will grow with success.

Cognitive Therapy - use visualization

When countering incorrect emotional beliefs with fact, don't just state the truth to yourself; use visualization of the truth. Engage on a feeling level, not just an intellectual level, in order to cement the truth in.

So, for example, if I find myself feeling that no one loves me, counter it with specific examples of people I know me, but also take the time to stop and visualize and feel the love I have experienced. The eventual aim is to be able to associate the emotional belief with a new emotional belief, not just a theory.

Judging and Badness

Judging is simply the skill of noticing differences.

Judging people as bad is a problem, not because we judge, but because we believe in badness.

Children on the front lines

We often send our inner child to the front lines to do our battles for us. Someone says or does something we don’t like, and our inner child gets angry, and starts to fight back. We say or do things we will regret, and we accomplish little beyond hurting ourselves and others, when what we really wanted was love.

Children don’t belong on the front lines. They are vulnerable and ignorant of how to fight in battle. They easily are overcome by emotion, and they do not know how to make wise decisions. This is why we have an inner adult - the part of us designed to deal with this world, who knows how to do things like battle and strategic planning. Children need to be kept insulated from battle.

Thus, in the heat of argument, place your inner child with his emotions, sensitivities, vulnerability in a safe place, then bring out your battle gear, which is all the wisdom you have accumulated as an adult: what you want to accomplish in the battle, what you wish to avoid, what the consequences of your actions are likely to be, what your values are - and face the world with wisdom, strength, grace, and compassion.

This is our job as adults. When we enter any relationship, intimate or casual, part of the job description is handling the emotional energies that come up between us. Expect it, plan on it, sharpen your skills so that you are prepared for it, and when it comes, handle it with all the expertise of a professional. Remember the ultimate goal is love, as much as possible, because it is love that will bring you the most satisfaction. And remember that the most precious part of you is not meant to fight in battle, but to play in the sun.

A Reason To Live

We need a reason to live our lives - a final justification for why we do everything we do. Pleasure is not a sufficient reason, or else we would simply overdose on heroin and go out of this world with a smile.

Without a reason to live, a sense of meaninglessness haunts our steps, and we may have a suspicion that we are fooling ourselves by working so hard.

We all do in fact have reasons for living, but from time to time, as we mature, those reasons are often found to be faulty, or invalid, or simply not satisfying any more. And if we create our own reason for living, the question will haunt us, why did we create that particular meaning? Is it the right one? What makes it valid? Is it based on fantasy, or perhaps on fear? Is it worthy enough to dedicate our entire lives to?

Yet when we are still, despite whatever we believe, there is something inside that motivates us to live, and to continue to live, through the blackest night. There seems to be a meaning built into us, even when we cannot capture it in words. It is something we discover, not create - something we feel, not decide. And when we hear the words of the deep thinkers, something often resonates, letting us know we are not alone in our questing, and that the illusive reason we seek is not unique to us. If our eyes and ears are open, we discover the commonality between us and others in attempting to name the unnameable.