A popular statement going around in new age circles is "Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional". As with many clever sounding statements, it catches the attention - who wants to suffer? If suffering is optional, who wouldn't want to choose to avoid or eliminate it? It appeals to everyone, because everyone suffers sometimes, and this promises hope of delivery from that pain.
And yet people continue to suffer, and often suffer horribly. If suffering is optional, it makes it seem that those who are suffering are suffering needlessly, and thus foolishly. If suffering could truly be easily eliminated, who would not eliminate it?
This belief can cause much more suffering than it relieves. Tell someone dying of cancer that they are suffering needlessly. If they make the mistake of listening to you, they may wonder what is wrong with them that they continue to suffer when they don't need to. They may wallow in guilt believing that they could do something, and they should know how to do it, and thus are to blame for not stopping it. If one believes that continued suffering is the result of something they are doing wrong, the suffering is compounded. To suggest to a suffering person that their suffering is needless is horribly cruel if there is in reality little that can be done.
There is, of course, a
truth that this philosophy is trying to express, although it does so very poorly. Sometimes, our suffering comes from beliefs we hold about the world or about ourselves, and it is very possible to free oneself from that suffering through letting go of our story. In some situations, it may be true that all of our suffering around a particular situation comes from our own beliefs and attitudes, and letting go of those beliefs can create instant relief and freedom. This is indeed a precious and wonderful truth to learn, and the person who learns this can live a much happier life.
However, it is a bit absurd to
claim that "suffering is optional", which implies that all suffering is optional. Even when our beliefs are the cause of our suffering, beliefs are often deep, unconscious, and difficult to change, sometimes difficult to even discover, and it is a rare thing indeed that anyone achieves a mindfulness that causes no suffering whatsoever. And as for other conditions like cancer, eliminating suffering through mental control is a herculean feat that very few people will ever accomplish.
Suffering is a natural part of life. There is no reason to blame ourselves or others for suffering - some suffering is normal and inevitable. Too often we blame suffering on the victim. Sometimes, it is true we do cause our own suffering, in part or in total. Sometimes, suffering is just a part of life, and we have no control over it at all. But glib statements such as
"suffering is optional" are at best misleading, at worst horribly cruel. Pause and think before you spout your
favorite one-liner to someone whose pain you do not fully understand.
Very well said. You seem to be warning us of falling into the trap of absolute thinking, which can shut down our mind to the many possibilities available to us, especially in navigating such a dynamic journey as suffering.
ReplyDeleteWell said, indeed. As I was reading your words I was brought back to YEARS ago when I was teaching a bible discussion class and one of the men started talking about the scripture in Isaiah 53:5 which ends with "by His stripes we are healed". He then went on to share (vehemently) his take on that verse that if we are feeling physical ailments then we are not having faith in what it is telling us in the scriptures.....that if we had enough faith we would be covered by this healing and not feel pain or suffering. It was not only a misinterpretation of the usually-considered meaning of the passage but it was also such a put-down of anyone who was dealing with pain and suffering.....to make them feel guilty about something that they often had little or no control over.
ReplyDeleteTelling someone that "suffering is optional" while they are struggling with a severe illness is very hurtful, as it gives them something else to beat themselves up over, when they are the most vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteThis same line can be useful to many people when they are generally in good health.
Whether or not the statement is true or not is subject to debate, however as Katie Byron pointed out, there are many things that are true that are not helpful.
When this (metaphysical/positive thinking/gung-ho being in the moment) stuff is adopted by a subculture, it can be easy to apply it to situations where it isn't useful.
As a Johrei practionioner, I believe in the idea "first, do no harm". I think one has to be cognizant of what the person is able to deal with at the time, in a non-judgmental way.
Sometimes these snippets are said in a church, or a seminar, or in a group of people where the room is filled with a lot of light and, so there is enough love in the room that many things can be interpreted by the psyche in a healing way.
Whereas when we're struggling with something (what feels like) on our own, probably the best thing is just to let the other person know they are not alone.