We as a species were able to survive because we could attack, run, or hide from our aggressors. Those primitive instincts are still in us, and will always be in us. You can see them very clearly in young children who have not yet learned other coping mechanisms for survival.
In our civilized world, we operate by different principles, by rational, logical rules that get things done. However, in situations where emotions come into play, the jungle comes back. We find ourselves viciously defending an attack to our ego, or shying away from someone who may not like us, or hiding our real feelings for fear they won't be accepted. The same defenses that served us so well in the jungle spring into play in our relationships. However, it is no longer our lives that are at stake - it is our ego, our need to be loved, or to be right, or to feel safe. It is rare in our world that our lives are threatened by another human being, yet we react with all to an insult with the instincts of the jungle - our hair is on end, our claws are out, teeth are set, and we are fall back into the instinctual mode of attack, defend, and hide.
Despite appearances to the contrary, there is a clear and present danger that at any point, a civilized group of people can fall to the beat of the jungle, reacting as if their lives were at stake rather than their egos. The reaction is out of proportion to the stimulus.
Some people are better than others at resisting the jungle, but very few totally escape its pull. Even the most practiced meditator, when faced with a sudden threat, will feel a rush of adrenalyn, preparing them for fight or flight.
So, when people start to get triggered in a group, listen for the beat of the jungle. Detect that primitive instinct within us - the faster heartbeat, the sweating, the nervousness, the instinct to attack/defend/hide. When we are not aware, we can all too easily fall victim to its primitive beat.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Compassion as our Destiny
It is our natural direction and destiny to grow towards compassion for all people, to grow towards peace and understanding, to grow to see the onenness beneath all the apparent illusion.
Yet, many of us are stuck at a point far short of this goal. Ironically, the cause of the stuckness is not a lack of desire to move forward, but rather a lack of acceptance of where we are. Like a plant, you cannot force growth. You can water it, give it sun, protect it from harm, but you cannot stretch it to make it bigger. It will grow at its own predetermined pace if it has its basic needs fulfilled. Likewise, we as humans will grow naturally towards the light if our basic needs of intimacy, love, connectedness, and support are present in our lives.
The key is accepting ourselves where we are. If we reject who we are today because we want to be someone else, we foster the attitude of self-rejection, which runs contrary to our spiritual destiny as human beings. We grow through love, not fear. When we love who we are today, the path opens for the next stage of our growth. Love where you are today, and be willing to let go of it when you are called to another place.
Yet, many of us are stuck at a point far short of this goal. Ironically, the cause of the stuckness is not a lack of desire to move forward, but rather a lack of acceptance of where we are. Like a plant, you cannot force growth. You can water it, give it sun, protect it from harm, but you cannot stretch it to make it bigger. It will grow at its own predetermined pace if it has its basic needs fulfilled. Likewise, we as humans will grow naturally towards the light if our basic needs of intimacy, love, connectedness, and support are present in our lives.
The key is accepting ourselves where we are. If we reject who we are today because we want to be someone else, we foster the attitude of self-rejection, which runs contrary to our spiritual destiny as human beings. We grow through love, not fear. When we love who we are today, the path opens for the next stage of our growth. Love where you are today, and be willing to let go of it when you are called to another place.
Values
Happiness comes through fulfilling one's values, not through pleasure. Pleasure has the characteristic of feeling good in the present moment, but does not carry on into the future very far. Eating ice cream yesterday does little to help me feel good about myself today.
However, when I do something I value, I create self-esteem. When I give a good performance on piano for the dance on Friday night, I will think back to that many times and feel good about myself for having done that. If I helped a friend in need, I will look back on that many times as proof that I am a kind person.
Thus, long term happiness comes from self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from doing things we value.
However, when I do something I value, I create self-esteem. When I give a good performance on piano for the dance on Friday night, I will think back to that many times and feel good about myself for having done that. If I helped a friend in need, I will look back on that many times as proof that I am a kind person.
Thus, long term happiness comes from self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from doing things we value.
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Lord of the Shadows
A few weeks ago, I was at a meeting where someone suddenly made a statement that stirred up a lot of emotion. People reacted, and people reacted to the reactions, and in a very short time, most of the people in the room were emotionally involved in the discussion.
On the surface, everyone sounded like they were talking about real concerns, real problems that needed to be addressed. But underneath the surface, each person was responding out of fear, or threat, or annoyance, or desire to control, or not wanting to rock the boat, or trying to stay out of harm's way.
In thinking that scene over this morning, suddenly the scenes from Lord of the Rings came to mind, where Frodo put on the ring, and suddenly entered this shadow world, where everything was in motion, everything was blurry and confusing, all edges were indistinct, and where things that were previously hidden suddenly had a vivid presence. When he popped off the ring, others back in the "real" world didn't understand where he had been.
Beneath the seemingly rational discourse with which we conduct ourselves as civilized human beings, lives this shadow world, windy, moody, dangerous, indistinct, where little is certain and all is alive. As we sit and discuss in the bright light, the shadows are whipping around us, flapping in our ears, raising primitive feelings that we don't understand, causing us to react to others as if we were beasts in the primeval world with little understanding of what was around us, working on instinct alone. Yet we sit, sipping our tea, pretending that the shadows don't exist, that nobody sees them or feels them, that our words and minds are all that exist in the room.
Sometimes, the danger zooms in suddenly, and we react out of gutteral sweat, taking rash action, taken over by ancient drives of self preservation and aggression. We shout and swing our sword, there's pain and tearing, there's a moment of chaos, and we pull off the ring. Suddenly, we are back in the rational world, trying to explain the bloody sword in our hand in terms that fit our refined surroundings and inquiring minds. We come up with weak reasons for our actions, and everyone hastily agrees with us, for no one else wants to admit the existence of the shadow world either.
And so we keep the lights on to keep the shadows away, and our minds active to avoid feeling those feelings again. We believe we are Lord of the Shadows.
Until the next time.
On the surface, everyone sounded like they were talking about real concerns, real problems that needed to be addressed. But underneath the surface, each person was responding out of fear, or threat, or annoyance, or desire to control, or not wanting to rock the boat, or trying to stay out of harm's way.
In thinking that scene over this morning, suddenly the scenes from Lord of the Rings came to mind, where Frodo put on the ring, and suddenly entered this shadow world, where everything was in motion, everything was blurry and confusing, all edges were indistinct, and where things that were previously hidden suddenly had a vivid presence. When he popped off the ring, others back in the "real" world didn't understand where he had been.
Beneath the seemingly rational discourse with which we conduct ourselves as civilized human beings, lives this shadow world, windy, moody, dangerous, indistinct, where little is certain and all is alive. As we sit and discuss in the bright light, the shadows are whipping around us, flapping in our ears, raising primitive feelings that we don't understand, causing us to react to others as if we were beasts in the primeval world with little understanding of what was around us, working on instinct alone. Yet we sit, sipping our tea, pretending that the shadows don't exist, that nobody sees them or feels them, that our words and minds are all that exist in the room.
Sometimes, the danger zooms in suddenly, and we react out of gutteral sweat, taking rash action, taken over by ancient drives of self preservation and aggression. We shout and swing our sword, there's pain and tearing, there's a moment of chaos, and we pull off the ring. Suddenly, we are back in the rational world, trying to explain the bloody sword in our hand in terms that fit our refined surroundings and inquiring minds. We come up with weak reasons for our actions, and everyone hastily agrees with us, for no one else wants to admit the existence of the shadow world either.
And so we keep the lights on to keep the shadows away, and our minds active to avoid feeling those feelings again. We believe we are Lord of the Shadows.
Until the next time.
Friday, April 11, 2003
Perfection vs. Acceptance
The goal is not perfection, but acceptance. Ironically, it is often our lack of acceptance of ourself that leads to our disaction, acting other than we intend, because of the internal struggle we create. Accepting ourselves puts us in harmony, from where we can act unambiguously according to our true need and desire. Accepting our mistakes and primitive drives, rather than denying them, lets us make fully informed decisions - we know ourselves and our weaknesses well enough to make decisions that take them into account.
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance means accepting every person as they are, no matter what they do or have done, no matter who they are or what they believe. Radical acceptance means having compassion for all people.
Radical acceptance does not mean condoning someone's actions, being passive in our response, or not taking action. Radical acceptance also accepts our own needs as legitimate.
The difference is in attitude. Whenever we live in judgment of another person, we cause a separation between ourselves and them. We believe we are somehow better than, more worthy than, and that they can be treated with contempt. When we cast judgment on ourselves, we likewise believe we are less then, are not worthy, and do not deserve what others do. Both of these are illusion. The spiritual reality behind what we see is that we are all one, that the divine lives in each of us, that the separation and divisions between us are illusion - they are illusion in the sense that when you look at the causes of division more closely, you will find at their core a commonality of need.
It is often said, love the person, and hate the action. Even that is not true acceptance. If someone breaks into my house and steals, I may have a reaction of anger, even hatred. Hating an action is equivalent to hating the actor. One option is to go into the desire for revenge, hatred, bitterness, and seek to get even - to bring the thief to justice because I want revenge, because I want to make him suffer to pay for my pain. To live this way and condone this attitude is to choose to live with hatred and revenge as basic values. Choosing not to seek revenge does not mean not taking action. I may still go to court to get repayment for my damages without an attitude of hatred, motivated more out of love for myself and family than out of a desire to hurt the thief.
It is possible to live a life of compassion and love without being a wimp. Defending what we love can take the form of violence, yet still be an act of love. The question is if we are going to live in the illusion that people are evil.
If it is possible that people are truly evil, then several figures may come to mind - usually world leaders who have killed and tortured large numbers of people. We may ask, how can someone commit such evil in the world if they are not fundamentally different than us, if they are not themselves evil? But if it is possible for them to be evil, then what saves me from that fate? How do I view myself when I catch myself acting selfishly, or have the desire for revenge, or find ourselves hurting someone out of anger? We either must rationalize it away, so that we can see ourselves as different than really evil people, or we will draw the horrible conclusion that something is wrong with us. We don't understand why we sometimes do things that are "bad". We want to hide that fact from ourselves and others. But inside, we may wonder if we are also evil. The belief in evil will always ultimately come back to us, causing us to separate from others, either because we are better than or worse than.
If you watch an infant, you will see a lot of characteristics which we would call bad if displayed by an adult - demanding of others without any regard of their feelings, total self-centeredness, uncontrolled anger accompanied with attempts to hurt others or destroy property, expecting others to anticipate and take care of his every need. Somehow, with an infant, we can just smile and say, it's okay, that's what babies do. By the time we are adults, we expect each other to have gained control over these basic drives and to have learned new behavior more compatible to living with others.
But these primitive drives don't go away - they simply come under the domain of our will, where we have true choice over our actions, and we can find ways of satisfying our basic needs while not sabotaging our adult requirements. The childish desire to hurt someone who has hurt you, or to control others so you can be superior, is still within us as a potential, but when we are aware of the desire, we can find adult ways of responding to situations so that we meet our true needs.
The problem comes when we are ashamed of our primitive drives, rather than acknowledge and accept them as part of us. The shame causes us to pretend we don't have them, and we "put them in the shadow" - we get to a point where we are no longer conscious that we have those drives. At that point, we have not gotten rid of the drives, we have simply removed them from the dominion of our will, and placed them in a place where they wander freely without our knowledge or permission. Our desire to dominate someone, for example, may come out in hidden ways, what we call passive-agressive, so that our true intent is hidden, at least to us.
If we are truly aware of the primitive drive in us to dominate others, then we will be more able to have compassion when we see someone acting that out, because we recognize the desire in ourselves. When we fool ourselves into thinking we are never angry, never selfish, never fearful, never agressive, never weak, then we cannot help looking down on others who display those characteristics, since we believe we are different than them by not having those characteristics.
We are one. We all have primitive drives, and we all are drawn towards Spirit and compassion. Cutting ourselves off from others through judgment is the same as cutting ourselves off from ourselves.
Radical acceptance does not mean condoning someone's actions, being passive in our response, or not taking action. Radical acceptance also accepts our own needs as legitimate.
The difference is in attitude. Whenever we live in judgment of another person, we cause a separation between ourselves and them. We believe we are somehow better than, more worthy than, and that they can be treated with contempt. When we cast judgment on ourselves, we likewise believe we are less then, are not worthy, and do not deserve what others do. Both of these are illusion. The spiritual reality behind what we see is that we are all one, that the divine lives in each of us, that the separation and divisions between us are illusion - they are illusion in the sense that when you look at the causes of division more closely, you will find at their core a commonality of need.
It is often said, love the person, and hate the action. Even that is not true acceptance. If someone breaks into my house and steals, I may have a reaction of anger, even hatred. Hating an action is equivalent to hating the actor. One option is to go into the desire for revenge, hatred, bitterness, and seek to get even - to bring the thief to justice because I want revenge, because I want to make him suffer to pay for my pain. To live this way and condone this attitude is to choose to live with hatred and revenge as basic values. Choosing not to seek revenge does not mean not taking action. I may still go to court to get repayment for my damages without an attitude of hatred, motivated more out of love for myself and family than out of a desire to hurt the thief.
It is possible to live a life of compassion and love without being a wimp. Defending what we love can take the form of violence, yet still be an act of love. The question is if we are going to live in the illusion that people are evil.
If it is possible that people are truly evil, then several figures may come to mind - usually world leaders who have killed and tortured large numbers of people. We may ask, how can someone commit such evil in the world if they are not fundamentally different than us, if they are not themselves evil? But if it is possible for them to be evil, then what saves me from that fate? How do I view myself when I catch myself acting selfishly, or have the desire for revenge, or find ourselves hurting someone out of anger? We either must rationalize it away, so that we can see ourselves as different than really evil people, or we will draw the horrible conclusion that something is wrong with us. We don't understand why we sometimes do things that are "bad". We want to hide that fact from ourselves and others. But inside, we may wonder if we are also evil. The belief in evil will always ultimately come back to us, causing us to separate from others, either because we are better than or worse than.
If you watch an infant, you will see a lot of characteristics which we would call bad if displayed by an adult - demanding of others without any regard of their feelings, total self-centeredness, uncontrolled anger accompanied with attempts to hurt others or destroy property, expecting others to anticipate and take care of his every need. Somehow, with an infant, we can just smile and say, it's okay, that's what babies do. By the time we are adults, we expect each other to have gained control over these basic drives and to have learned new behavior more compatible to living with others.
But these primitive drives don't go away - they simply come under the domain of our will, where we have true choice over our actions, and we can find ways of satisfying our basic needs while not sabotaging our adult requirements. The childish desire to hurt someone who has hurt you, or to control others so you can be superior, is still within us as a potential, but when we are aware of the desire, we can find adult ways of responding to situations so that we meet our true needs.
The problem comes when we are ashamed of our primitive drives, rather than acknowledge and accept them as part of us. The shame causes us to pretend we don't have them, and we "put them in the shadow" - we get to a point where we are no longer conscious that we have those drives. At that point, we have not gotten rid of the drives, we have simply removed them from the dominion of our will, and placed them in a place where they wander freely without our knowledge or permission. Our desire to dominate someone, for example, may come out in hidden ways, what we call passive-agressive, so that our true intent is hidden, at least to us.
If we are truly aware of the primitive drive in us to dominate others, then we will be more able to have compassion when we see someone acting that out, because we recognize the desire in ourselves. When we fool ourselves into thinking we are never angry, never selfish, never fearful, never agressive, never weak, then we cannot help looking down on others who display those characteristics, since we believe we are different than them by not having those characteristics.
We are one. We all have primitive drives, and we all are drawn towards Spirit and compassion. Cutting ourselves off from others through judgment is the same as cutting ourselves off from ourselves.
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Knowing and Empowering
In working with negative qualities, there is a difference between getting to know our lower drives and empowering them. Suppose I feel betrayed by a friend. Becoming aware of my anger means revealing all that I am feeling to myself - to discover all the thoughts and desires that I am harboring inside regarding the betrayal, and discovering them without judgment. However, when I start to justify my feelings, and building a case on why it is right for me to feel as I do, I am empowering those negative feelings, causing them to last longer. This is why people get stuck in grief, resentment, or depression - they find ways of continually justifying what they are feeling, rather than simply being aware of the mechanism that causes them to feel as they do.
False Desire
A false desire, as opposed to a true desire, is a desire which when examined more closely, melts away to reveal a different desire. I may desire to beat someone. When I examine the desire more closely, I find the true desire is to feel good about myself, not to beat the other person. This lets me let go of the false desire and take steps to achieve the true desire.
It is critical to find and understand our true desire. Without knowing the real drive behind a desire, it is very hard to give it up, because it feels like self-betrayal. If I feel like I am being good to myself by avoiding something as uncomfortable as my taxes, forcing myself to do the taxes feels like I am not being good to myself. Only when I can discover the true desire can I move forward with a good feeling about my own actions.
It is critical to find and understand our true desire. Without knowing the real drive behind a desire, it is very hard to give it up, because it feels like self-betrayal. If I feel like I am being good to myself by avoiding something as uncomfortable as my taxes, forcing myself to do the taxes feels like I am not being good to myself. Only when I can discover the true desire can I move forward with a good feeling about my own actions.
Lesson from the Road
Driving down a road, I work hard to pass a car that was going slow, only to find myself behind a bus, watching that car and several others pass me by.
If my goal is to be ahead, I will often be disappointed. If my goal is to do my best, I can achieve that every time. Having a vested interest in the outcome of a situation I do not control guarantees frustration and disappointment.
If my goal is to be ahead, I will often be disappointed. If my goal is to do my best, I can achieve that every time. Having a vested interest in the outcome of a situation I do not control guarantees frustration and disappointment.
A Formula for Positive Action
A simplified formula to help us achieve the things we really want:
- Notice whenever your sense of peace or serenity is disturbed.
- Become aware of any irrational behavior, thought, urge, or feeling you have that might be the cause.
- Look inside for the false belief, destructive desire, or negative intent that is the cause.
- Embrace the negative - fully express the negativity - exaggerate it, vent it, talk it out, express it physically
- Look for your true desire or beliefs within.
- Embrace the positive - fully visualize, express, or act out your positive intent.
- Choose.
Embracing the negative is a hard step, because our instinct is to suppress the expression, and even the knowledge, of our negative feelings and desires. It is through feeling it fully and expressing it fully that we come to full awareness of what energy we are working with. Avoid the shame that comes from placing judgment on yourself for having those feelings. If you feel ashamed, you're not paying attention. You are focusing on the judgment, on your desire to be different than your are, instead of what is at this moment. This is what mindfulness meditation teaches - to focus on what is, not on what we want or don't want to be.
The more we get to know the negative within us, the less it acts independent of our will, and the more we are able to choose the positive.
- Notice whenever your sense of peace or serenity is disturbed.
- Become aware of any irrational behavior, thought, urge, or feeling you have that might be the cause.
- Look inside for the false belief, destructive desire, or negative intent that is the cause.
- Embrace the negative - fully express the negativity - exaggerate it, vent it, talk it out, express it physically
- Look for your true desire or beliefs within.
- Embrace the positive - fully visualize, express, or act out your positive intent.
- Choose.
Embracing the negative is a hard step, because our instinct is to suppress the expression, and even the knowledge, of our negative feelings and desires. It is through feeling it fully and expressing it fully that we come to full awareness of what energy we are working with. Avoid the shame that comes from placing judgment on yourself for having those feelings. If you feel ashamed, you're not paying attention. You are focusing on the judgment, on your desire to be different than your are, instead of what is at this moment. This is what mindfulness meditation teaches - to focus on what is, not on what we want or don't want to be.
The more we get to know the negative within us, the less it acts independent of our will, and the more we are able to choose the positive.
Unproductive Evening
Another evening where I am frustrated with how I spend my time. When I look at what I did and didn't do, it strikes me that what frustrates me is not how much I get done, or what I get done, but whether or not I fulfill my intention for the evening. When I intend to do certain things, and don't, no matter what I do do, there is a sense of lack of control - I am not able to do what I chose to do. This may be because I chose the wrong tasks, or because I avoided tasks. Following through on my intention is critical to being satisfied with my work.
Euphoria and Depression
As a bipolar, I have known both the distortions of both euphoria and depression. During my worst years of depression, almost anything I looked at filled me with despair. A street sign would be crookard, and the disappointment of imperfection would overwhelm me. Every house built meant destruction of nature, every car meant polution, every person meant more problems.
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
When I am in a positive space, the opposite can occur. I look at a cloud in the sky, and for no reason, it fills me with wonder and happiness. I delight in the colors around me. The falling of a leaf becomes a wonder as it twists and turns through the invisible air.
So, is happiness as irrational as depression? I have always pictured the ideal place to be is one where you are euphoric, where every moment of life fills you with happiness. But if it is just as illusionary and irrational as depression, how can it be any better?
Rationalism and Intuition
In school, we learned, honored, and reveared the rational thinkers of our age - scientists, mathmaticians, biologists, etc. Somehow, the "soft" subjects of art and music seemed inferior to flying to the moon or finding a cure for a disease. The rush we got from the age of reason was still upon us.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
I and my peers quickly learned that the way to be "one up" on someone else was to know the facts approved by science. Logic always trumped intuition. We would hear over and over how another "old wives' tale" was disproven by some scientific research "they" had done. We never questioned what science said. If they were wrong, they would find their mistake and correct it quickly enough.
We were very much in competition, especially as boys, and striving to find what was important in our society so that we could be right and beat the other kid. If you were really cool, you could prove what you believed to be right. The worst shame was to be illogical. The ultimate was to be seen as intelligent - meaning rational intelligence, the ability to calculate, to deduce, to prove. If I had a fear, for example, of dogs, it would be very shameful, because there was no logical reason to be afraid of a tame dog. So my fear was shameful. We couldn't chalk it off to a psychological disorder like a phobia - we were laughed at.
So the idea that we had feelings that we had feelings that acted independently of logic and reason was foreign to our minds. To rediscover this today has taken a tremendous effort to overcome the prejudice instilled in me by the society in which I grew up.
The Lower Nature
My work with the Pathwork concept of the lower nature continues to yield insights.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
As a child, when I had a negative feeling, say, anger or a desire to hurt my brother, my parents handled those lower nature qualities in two ways: punishment and suppression. Punishment carried the unspoken message that I was bad (why else would I be punished?), and I was bad not because I had done something bad, but because I had the desire to. The message was that if I had any negative desires, I was a bad person.
Suppression came about in commanding me not to display my feelings. "Go to your room until you can be more thoughtful." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "How dare you raise your voice to me?" The message here was if I did feel those things, I better not show them.
This put me in a world where I first had to hide the "evil" feelings from others, and then where I had to suffer alone from the secret knowledge that I was "bad". The edict to not display my negative feelings demanded that I be totally alone with the horrible realizations of who I was.
Today, I am undoing that tangled web. When I discover negative desires or beliefs, I strive to become fully aware of them, to tell them to safe people who won't judge me, to accept them fully as natural and normal, and then to ask if they are what I really want to do or believe, and look for the desire for good to come from within. I am finding myself with less anger, less shame, and less energy spent on holding shut the lid on the box of secrets.
The Observer
The Buddhist concept of the observer is related to the higher brain that humans have and animals do not. We have the capability of conceptualizing ourselves within a situation as simply one player on the stage, rather than seeing everything as focused on us. It takes a child a while to develop the realization that he is like the other people around them, and that other people experience him in a similar way to how he experiences them.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
This ability to objectivize ourselves is critical to getting to know ourselves. Without it, we learn about the world in terms of how it makes us feel. Suppose Joe is someone I don't like. When I see Joe, what I experience is a feeling of dislike. I don't experience myself having a feeling - I experience Joe being in my presence and simultaneously an uncomfortable feeling. Since Joe and the feeling arrive and leave at the same time, I naturally assign Joe as the cause of the feeling.
It is only when I see myself as an independent feeling being that I can conceptualize that the feeling comes from my reaction to Joe, not from Joe himself. In other words, I am an actor in this drama - Joe is not the only person on stage. And it is possible that I am the cause of the feeling because I bring up the feeling whenever Joe is present.
This critical shift in our thinking allows us to separate the world from our reaction to it. When we realize that the reaction is within us, we then have the possibility of changing the world by changing ourselves. Without that realization, we are a helpless victim of the people and events that enter and leave our life without our control.
Honoring our Past Self
When people grow, or learn some life lesson, sometimes they look back on where they used to be with distain. "How could I have been so stupid? It's so obvious! I must have been blind!" In rejecting their past self, they set up a paradigm that they are not okay unless they have learned certain lessons. And that paradigm leads to questioning if they have learned enough to be okay today. Maybe they are still "stupid" and "blind". This leads to the choice of an endless quest to make onesself perfect to escape the shame of our imperfection, or to becoming fundamentalist and believing that they finally have the right answers, and there is nothing more to learn.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
If we reject where we used to be, we will also reject those we come across who are still there.
What we are trying to do is to be open to learning a new way of being without rejecting the old and judging it as bad. This means truly accepting ourselves right where we are now, with all our faults, pettiness, and insecurities, as perfectly okay. The motivation for learning is not to escape who we are, but rather the pleasure of pursuing a natural characteristic that we have - the desire to grow.
A Formula for Dysaction
Thinking this morning about my fear of closeness, a fear of being trapped in a relationship, of losing my ability to determine my own life and path. I see two steps to getting out of dysaction [any action contrary to intent] - full awareness of the false desire or belief [a desire or belief which, when examined more closely, turns out not to be what you truly desire or believe], and then true awareness of the true desire or belief - that is, who you really are underneath the dysaction.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
Awareness of the false desire or belief involves awareness with the whole being - mind, body, and soul - it means fully feeling, even reveling in, the belief or desire, of feeling the core delight behind the desire, of letting your body express it (RC's concept of discharge). Critical to this step is letting go of shame. If you are ashamed, you are not paying attention. Just as in mindfulness meditation we learn to let go of judgment and just observe what is, so when we have a negative desire or belief, we need to let go of the shame, which is a judgment, and simply be fully aware of the actual desire or belief, letting ourselves feel it without judgment. Often, we do this through simple venting - writing or talking out our anger, sadness, jealousy, in a safe environment, where there will be no judgment and no negative consequences.
The second step is to be fully aware of our true nature, our true desire, our true beliefs - i.e., what is real, as opposed to the illusion we have been in. Happiness only comes through fulfilling our true desires - or rather, a true desire is anything that brings true happiness over time. Ask what you really want, or what you really believe - what desire or belief will stand the test of time? What will you be glad of doing when you look back from your deathbed? To become fully aware and fully embracing of our true nature is to know who we really are.
The third step is automatic. When our desires and beliefs, both positive and negative, are fully out of the shadow and in the light of full awareness, the decision is automatic. There is no struggle. When all other factors have been considered, we will always choose to do what brings us true happiness. And this is the proof of the basic goodness of human nature - we will always choose the good when we fully know ourselves.
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