For the past several months, I've gotten up in the morning and danced to loud rock music, and I love it. I was inspired to do this from a workshop I took, where I could see the energy and life that this music gave us, and decided I wanted that in my life.
Previously, I had always loved quiet and silence in the morning. I would meditate, or sit outside quietly and look at the trees and sky, or listen to very gentle, soothing music. This was also something I did that stirred me greatly, although in a different way. The peace radiated into me, and started my day off feeling present and alive.
I switched to rock music, not because there was anything wrong with the morning quiet, but because I developed a new passion that I followed. There was never a rejection of the way I used to do things - I still remember the wonderful peace I got from those mornings. But right now, I am choosing the energy and life that rock music brings me.
Because I never rejected my previous way of doing things, there is no resistance to it. If I was at someone's house who wanted quiet in the morning, I could easily go right back to that mindset, and fully embrace the silence and reverence. I might miss the rock music, but I would not dislike the quiet. I now have two loves in my morning life, and I can be with either one, and be happy.
I have also not fallen into the trap of saying, rock music is better than quiet - or thinking that this is the "right" way of doing things, or it is somehow superior. Those attitudes would have the effect of cutting me off from the joy of my past, and create the fantasy that I was getting approval for having found the right answer. No, each morning, I get up, and the rock music calls to me. I respond from passion, not from righteousness, or having found the best way. Someday, the passion of the quiet may again call instead, and I hope I am awake enough to respond.
It is possible to act from love instead of from fear.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Surprised by Gratutide
The workshop last night in my home was graced by 15 people - a lot, I thought, for a summer Sunday evening. I felt a bit awkward about my presentation - not polished, casual, going over a book I had not thoroughly studied. Yet the evening absorbed people's attention.
It struck me that the magic that happens often in my home is not so much due to my expertise as to the experience and openness of the people who fill the space with their energy.
Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love, I felt an urge to cry, without any idea what the feeling was about. I kept picturing the evening, the people, the energy, as I let feelings come up. I found myself imagining remembering this evening as if from years in the future, long after for some reason these evenings had ceased happening, and I found myself saying, that was a good time. This was the kind of evening I wanted to remember. And I was suprised to find an unusually strong gratitude in me - for the warmth and love of the people who had surrounded me that evening, for the intelligence and sensitivity of those who shared their thoughts and feelings, for the physical touch and intimacy of sitting together in the hot tub, defenses down, comfortable in our skins.
And I realized, there is probably more gratitude in me than I allow myself to be aware of. I am used to digging in the dirt, digging up the pain, the fear, the things that block me from living a free and joyous life; I am not used to looking for gratitude within me. Perhaps I am happier than I let myself know.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/29/2005 1:03:00 PM
gratitude is a wonderful emotion i think, and one i have felt more deeply as the years go by in my own life (somehow related also to not taking things for granted).... gene, i could not read your words without thinking of one thing....and that is my ongoing awe, respect and yes, gratitude for the gift you have and share with us in your ability to create the kind of gatherings and safe space that you seem to so naturally , yet somehow magically create time and time again.... do you even realize how rare and precious your gift is? just my thoughts, anita
It struck me that the magic that happens often in my home is not so much due to my expertise as to the experience and openness of the people who fill the space with their energy.
Late that evening, after all had gone home, lying in the arms of someone I love, I felt an urge to cry, without any idea what the feeling was about. I kept picturing the evening, the people, the energy, as I let feelings come up. I found myself imagining remembering this evening as if from years in the future, long after for some reason these evenings had ceased happening, and I found myself saying, that was a good time. This was the kind of evening I wanted to remember. And I was suprised to find an unusually strong gratitude in me - for the warmth and love of the people who had surrounded me that evening, for the intelligence and sensitivity of those who shared their thoughts and feelings, for the physical touch and intimacy of sitting together in the hot tub, defenses down, comfortable in our skins.
And I realized, there is probably more gratitude in me than I allow myself to be aware of. I am used to digging in the dirt, digging up the pain, the fear, the things that block me from living a free and joyous life; I am not used to looking for gratitude within me. Perhaps I am happier than I let myself know.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 7/29/2005 1:03:00 PM
gratitude is a wonderful emotion i think, and one i have felt more deeply as the years go by in my own life (somehow related also to not taking things for granted).... gene, i could not read your words without thinking of one thing....and that is my ongoing awe, respect and yes, gratitude for the gift you have and share with us in your ability to create the kind of gatherings and safe space that you seem to so naturally , yet somehow magically create time and time again.... do you even realize how rare and precious your gift is? just my thoughts, anita
Saturday, July 16, 2005
ADD and me
Shortly after starting this blog, I was diagnosed as having severe ADD - attention deficit disorder - and I've spent the past two months researching exactly what that means. Now I know why I start things like this blog with such enthusiasm, then get distracted by something else and leave it hanging.
I now have four diagnoses that I have accumulated, like trophies to my insistant introspection - dissociative amnesia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADD. They all overlap somewhat, and I've learned that these disorders often do occur together. They are more like attempts to describe someone's mental and emotional processes than actual discrete attributes, and I'm finding it helpful to have these little boxes to hold and identify the various behaviors of my brain that I observe.
The diagnoses of ADD has been dramatic for me. As I read through all the characteristics of adult ADD, the one that stands out is difficulty completing projects due to distraction. This raises huge feelings in me. I am constantly thinking of ideas, projects, plans, dreams, and I start many of them, only to let them fall by the wayside because something else has taken priority, or because I can't stay focused long enough to get to the finish line. I have done this my entire life.
The result is that even though I feel I am capable of great things in my life, I have had to give up dream after dream in a very slow, painful process that feels like I am giving up my life. When I look at my track record, I can see that it is unreasonable to expect that I will accomplish very many of my dreams at all; yet to give them up is excruciating.
With the ADD diagnoses, suddenly this all changes. I am now faced with the prospect of having a focus and consistency that will allow me to accomplish more. However, this means facing the ambiguity of picking up dreams again that I thought I had safely buried. I find I have become somewhat attached to the feeling of tragedy, rather than jumping at the possibility of new life. And then, there is also the fear that it won't work. What if nothing changes? Will I have to bury those dreams a second time?
Despite the turmoil, I am in high hopes of something changing radically for the better. I fit the descriptions of ADD very well. I have yet to start on any meds, but just understanding my own behavior is a huge relief, and I find I can take the characteristics of my own mind more into account when I plan things, so I don't sabotage myself as much.
So, this is who I am, for better or worse. And I must love who I am. I no longer want to hide. Any part of us we do not love will eventually come to control us. I am taking charge of my life, and I simply don't have time for shame.
I now have four diagnoses that I have accumulated, like trophies to my insistant introspection - dissociative amnesia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADD. They all overlap somewhat, and I've learned that these disorders often do occur together. They are more like attempts to describe someone's mental and emotional processes than actual discrete attributes, and I'm finding it helpful to have these little boxes to hold and identify the various behaviors of my brain that I observe.
The diagnoses of ADD has been dramatic for me. As I read through all the characteristics of adult ADD, the one that stands out is difficulty completing projects due to distraction. This raises huge feelings in me. I am constantly thinking of ideas, projects, plans, dreams, and I start many of them, only to let them fall by the wayside because something else has taken priority, or because I can't stay focused long enough to get to the finish line. I have done this my entire life.
The result is that even though I feel I am capable of great things in my life, I have had to give up dream after dream in a very slow, painful process that feels like I am giving up my life. When I look at my track record, I can see that it is unreasonable to expect that I will accomplish very many of my dreams at all; yet to give them up is excruciating.
With the ADD diagnoses, suddenly this all changes. I am now faced with the prospect of having a focus and consistency that will allow me to accomplish more. However, this means facing the ambiguity of picking up dreams again that I thought I had safely buried. I find I have become somewhat attached to the feeling of tragedy, rather than jumping at the possibility of new life. And then, there is also the fear that it won't work. What if nothing changes? Will I have to bury those dreams a second time?
Despite the turmoil, I am in high hopes of something changing radically for the better. I fit the descriptions of ADD very well. I have yet to start on any meds, but just understanding my own behavior is a huge relief, and I find I can take the characteristics of my own mind more into account when I plan things, so I don't sabotage myself as much.
So, this is who I am, for better or worse. And I must love who I am. I no longer want to hide. Any part of us we do not love will eventually come to control us. I am taking charge of my life, and I simply don't have time for shame.
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