I've been going through books that are piled in boxes as a result of new carpet being put down, determined to reduce my book volume by half. Many of the books are about healing from the past, from trauma, abuse, abandonment - books that I have clung to with desperateness as I strived to relieve myself of some of the pain I was experiencing.
But I am finding many of those books easy to let go of today. I have not looked at them for years, and I know the basic message contained in each one. My healing has not taken the form I thought it would - it is hard to say exactly what I am healed of, and how much I am healed. Yet I am finding these wonderful books no longer critical to my life, and the issues and distortions of my thinking no longer severe enough to warrant the kind of intense attention I used to give it. Healing has in fact taken place - not in a flash with laying on of hands, but through time, thought, and a ton of support and care from friends.
The books have become an indicator of progress that is otherwise hard to see - it is a milestone to discover I no longer need many of the supports I relied on for years. Things are not perfect, and other issues are on top, but there is comfort in seeing evidence that I have actually changed.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Freedom and Disobedience
This morning, glancing through "The Betrayal of the Self" by Arno Gruen, I read,
"We learn in earliest childhood to yield to the demands of those whose 'love' we are dependent on. Without reflection, we learn to equate freedom with disobedience. Therefore, we respond to freedom...with anxiety and fear...
"The lesson of our childhood is that power, initially experienced at the hands of our parents, promises an escape from the helplessness we despise...Freedom then takes on an entirely different, unexpressed significance: it means deliverance from, not harmony with, our own needs."
Life is about living in harmony with our needs. I heard "needs" defined by an NVC teacher recently as the basic life force that causes everything to live and move, from the first single-celled life form to the complex creatures we are today. Needs are what get us up out of our chair and cause us to desire to live, breathe, love.
To live in harmony with our needs would mean, first, that we know what our true needs are, and second, that we accept our needs as legitimate, and do not apologize for them. How easily said, yet hard to do. But I am learning - by being still, by reading, by reflecting, step by step, mistake by mistake.
Oh, to live straight from source, to feel the wordless part of my being speak to me from its own deep intelligence about my needs, and to see myself respond without question - that seems like a state of being worth living for.
"We learn in earliest childhood to yield to the demands of those whose 'love' we are dependent on. Without reflection, we learn to equate freedom with disobedience. Therefore, we respond to freedom...with anxiety and fear...
"The lesson of our childhood is that power, initially experienced at the hands of our parents, promises an escape from the helplessness we despise...Freedom then takes on an entirely different, unexpressed significance: it means deliverance from, not harmony with, our own needs."
Life is about living in harmony with our needs. I heard "needs" defined by an NVC teacher recently as the basic life force that causes everything to live and move, from the first single-celled life form to the complex creatures we are today. Needs are what get us up out of our chair and cause us to desire to live, breathe, love.
To live in harmony with our needs would mean, first, that we know what our true needs are, and second, that we accept our needs as legitimate, and do not apologize for them. How easily said, yet hard to do. But I am learning - by being still, by reading, by reflecting, step by step, mistake by mistake.
Oh, to live straight from source, to feel the wordless part of my being speak to me from its own deep intelligence about my needs, and to see myself respond without question - that seems like a state of being worth living for.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Standstill
My life is in somewhat of a standstill. Most of the activities that defined who I was have stopped. I no longer do many workshops. I am not writing my books or blogs. I ceased doing my computer job back in April. My move across the country has been put on hold. My primary relationship has changed. And the recent changes in my health have stopped me from dancing, from going to many events that I love, and from seeing friends.
Who am I, having been stripped of the identities that I relied upon to define me? And what is the next step, now that everything has changed?
I realize I am waiting. While I am healing from my sickness, I am doing a lot of reading - books on mindfulness, on happiness, on living. I realize that I am waiting because I don't want to put as much effort into activities that will end up a disappointment. I've spent many years building community, only to find something "wrong" with whatever I create, and leave, dissatisfied, to try again in another format. I've worked hard at various forms of relationship that have not turned out as I had hoped. I've looked at several places in the country that I thought would be more condusive to having the kind of life I want, and yet never found that perfect place that I knew I would finally call home.
The books I'm reading, and the meditation I've done, tell me that there is much flawed in my thinking, that I build a lot on illusion and unobtainable demands. I keep discovering old issues and hurts under what seemed like a noble undertaking. How much of my desire for community is simply missing the warmth of the close family I never had as a child? How much of that desire can never be satisfied? How much have I been surreptitiously demanding that others meet my personal needs, rather than building for the good of all? How much of my leading has been a desperate attempt to be finally seen and heard, rather than the spirit of life and healing pulsing through me? The feeling here is not that I should be perfect; rather, the feeling is that I have poured out a lot of energy in ways that have not fully satisfied the deep longings within me.
And so I wait, and the books are my teachers. I want to know where I can put my efforts that will result in true happiness in my life, and not lead to more disappointment. I want to know what truly satisfies, and to find that out, I feel I must set aside every preconceived notion and find a way of holding myself truly open to new wisdom and experience. When I get up to try yet again, I want it to count more than the previous times. I want to be a bit more mindful where I put my efforts. I want to be a bit more open and aware of the energy and love around me I might have ignored. I want to be less focused on satisfying the ego and more on satisfying the heart.
It is lonely here, in this standstill, and sometimes loneliness is a good thing - it can allow us to center and ground, and ask, what are we really longing for? If past efforts have not worked, maybe I can drop a bit deeper, and ask, what is that inner ache really about? Where will it lead if I drop my assumptions about what I need? Standing here, right now, everything feels expendable in return for true satisfaction.
Who am I, having been stripped of the identities that I relied upon to define me? And what is the next step, now that everything has changed?
I realize I am waiting. While I am healing from my sickness, I am doing a lot of reading - books on mindfulness, on happiness, on living. I realize that I am waiting because I don't want to put as much effort into activities that will end up a disappointment. I've spent many years building community, only to find something "wrong" with whatever I create, and leave, dissatisfied, to try again in another format. I've worked hard at various forms of relationship that have not turned out as I had hoped. I've looked at several places in the country that I thought would be more condusive to having the kind of life I want, and yet never found that perfect place that I knew I would finally call home.
The books I'm reading, and the meditation I've done, tell me that there is much flawed in my thinking, that I build a lot on illusion and unobtainable demands. I keep discovering old issues and hurts under what seemed like a noble undertaking. How much of my desire for community is simply missing the warmth of the close family I never had as a child? How much of that desire can never be satisfied? How much have I been surreptitiously demanding that others meet my personal needs, rather than building for the good of all? How much of my leading has been a desperate attempt to be finally seen and heard, rather than the spirit of life and healing pulsing through me? The feeling here is not that I should be perfect; rather, the feeling is that I have poured out a lot of energy in ways that have not fully satisfied the deep longings within me.
And so I wait, and the books are my teachers. I want to know where I can put my efforts that will result in true happiness in my life, and not lead to more disappointment. I want to know what truly satisfies, and to find that out, I feel I must set aside every preconceived notion and find a way of holding myself truly open to new wisdom and experience. When I get up to try yet again, I want it to count more than the previous times. I want to be a bit more mindful where I put my efforts. I want to be a bit more open and aware of the energy and love around me I might have ignored. I want to be less focused on satisfying the ego and more on satisfying the heart.
It is lonely here, in this standstill, and sometimes loneliness is a good thing - it can allow us to center and ground, and ask, what are we really longing for? If past efforts have not worked, maybe I can drop a bit deeper, and ask, what is that inner ache really about? Where will it lead if I drop my assumptions about what I need? Standing here, right now, everything feels expendable in return for true satisfaction.
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