Standstill

My life is in somewhat of a standstill. Most of the activities that defined who I was have stopped. I no longer do many workshops. I am not writing my books or blogs. I ceased doing my computer job back in April. My move across the country has been put on hold. My primary relationship has changed. And the recent changes in my health have stopped me from dancing, from going to many events that I love, and from seeing friends.

Who am I, having been stripped of the identities that I relied upon to define me? And what is the next step, now that everything has changed?

I realize I am waiting. While I am healing from my sickness, I am doing a lot of reading - books on mindfulness, on happiness, on living. I realize that I am waiting because I don't want to put as much effort into activities that will end up a disappointment. I've spent many years building community, only to find something "wrong" with whatever I create, and leave, dissatisfied, to try again in another format. I've worked hard at various forms of relationship that have not turned out as I had hoped. I've looked at several places in the country that I thought would be more condusive to having the kind of life I want, and yet never found that perfect place that I knew I would finally call home.

The books I'm reading, and the meditation I've done, tell me that there is much flawed in my thinking, that I build a lot on illusion and unobtainable demands. I keep discovering old issues and hurts under what seemed like a noble undertaking. How much of my desire for community is simply missing the warmth of the close family I never had as a child? How much of that desire can never be satisfied? How much have I been surreptitiously demanding that others meet my personal needs, rather than building for the good of all? How much of my leading has been a desperate attempt to be finally seen and heard, rather than the spirit of life and healing pulsing through me? The feeling here is not that I should be perfect; rather, the feeling is that I have poured out a lot of energy in ways that have not fully satisfied the deep longings within me.

And so I wait, and the books are my teachers. I want to know where I can put my efforts that will result in true happiness in my life, and not lead to more disappointment. I want to know what truly satisfies, and to find that out, I feel I must set aside every preconceived notion and find a way of holding myself truly open to new wisdom and experience. When I get up to try yet again, I want it to count more than the previous times. I want to be a bit more mindful where I put my efforts. I want to be a bit more open and aware of the energy and love around me I might have ignored. I want to be less focused on satisfying the ego and more on satisfying the heart.

It is lonely here, in this standstill, and sometimes loneliness is a good thing - it can allow us to center and ground, and ask, what are we really longing for? If past efforts have not worked, maybe I can drop a bit deeper, and ask, what is that inner ache really about? Where will it lead if I drop my assumptions about what I need? Standing here, right now, everything feels expendable in return for true satisfaction.