Freedom from, freedom to

One of my greatest fears in life is that of being trapped - trapped in a relationship, trapped in a destructive pattern, trapped by lack of options, trapped by lack of power. I have only felt truly free when I was alone, because I tended to take on the obligation of pleasing those near to me.

My fear of being trapped comes from a rigid upbringing, where I was taught the "right" way to be and to act; disobedience was punished severely until my will was broken, and I would obey my mother's will without questioning. I had a pseudo-freedom - when I accepted the limitations placed on me, life became easier. I was rewarded for being docile. As an adult, I have broken away from that and have gone my own way - but fear still dogs my footsteps, and I am always waiting for the punishment to start.

Thus I kept focusing on rights instead of wants - I had to make sure I guarded my freedom, or I would lose it. I focused on freedom from - from structure, from restrictive relationships, from commitments and obligations, from anything that could entrap me - instead of freedom to - to pursue my passions, to make life mine, to discover who I truly was. I was running from instead of running towards.

My fear has been based on a belief in my powerlessness - a belief that I will not be able to resist the forces against me. I was like a bird with clipped wings - I had freedom from the cage, but no freedom to fly. But the fact is that I am no longer a child whose freedom can be restricted and punished at will - like the elephant on a string, I am only restricted because I have not realized I am powerful, that things have changed. My parents are dead, I am a capable and intelligent adult, and I can do as I please.

Only when I know I can avoid what I don't want, can I begin to relax in my power and focus on what I do want. Knowing my power will allow me to start to look around, and ask, what is my desire, instead of what is my right.