ADD and me

Shortly after starting this blog, I was diagnosed as having severe ADD - attention deficit disorder - and I've spent the past two months researching exactly what that means. Now I know why I start things like this blog with such enthusiasm, then get distracted by something else and leave it hanging.

I now have four diagnoses that I have accumulated, like trophies to my insistant introspection - dissociative amnesia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADD. They all overlap somewhat, and I've learned that these disorders often do occur together. They are more like attempts to describe someone's mental and emotional processes than actual discrete attributes, and I'm finding it helpful to have these little boxes to hold and identify the various behaviors of my brain that I observe.

The diagnoses of ADD has been dramatic for me. As I read through all the characteristics of adult ADD, the one that stands out is difficulty completing projects due to distraction. This raises huge feelings in me. I am constantly thinking of ideas, projects, plans, dreams, and I start many of them, only to let them fall by the wayside because something else has taken priority, or because I can't stay focused long enough to get to the finish line. I have done this my entire life.

The result is that even though I feel I am capable of great things in my life, I have had to give up dream after dream in a very slow, painful process that feels like I am giving up my life. When I look at my track record, I can see that it is unreasonable to expect that I will accomplish very many of my dreams at all; yet to give them up is excruciating.

With the ADD diagnoses, suddenly this all changes. I am now faced with the prospect of having a focus and consistency that will allow me to accomplish more. However, this means facing the ambiguity of picking up dreams again that I thought I had safely buried. I find I have become somewhat attached to the feeling of tragedy, rather than jumping at the possibility of new life. And then, there is also the fear that it won't work. What if nothing changes? Will I have to bury those dreams a second time?

Despite the turmoil, I am in high hopes of something changing radically for the better. I fit the descriptions of ADD very well. I have yet to start on any meds, but just understanding my own behavior is a huge relief, and I find I can take the characteristics of my own mind more into account when I plan things, so I don't sabotage myself as much.

So, this is who I am, for better or worse. And I must love who I am. I no longer want to hide. Any part of us we do not love will eventually come to control us. I am taking charge of my life, and I simply don't have time for shame.