Reasons for living

My answer to why live: I have never wanted to take my own life, even in the depths of my pain. Somehow, I always believed that things could get better. There's an optimist within me underneath it all.

But that hasn't stopped me from feeling a lot of despair at times. At one point, I remember specifically, I was pondering my death, and the resulting ending of all my projects - everything that was important to me would cease. A part of me wanted to live forever, and if I couldn't have that, nothing seemed worthwhile - especially, as Brigitte said, if you are in pain in addition to not having purpose, it looks pretty bad.

I was standing in the back yard, I remember, trying to do some yardwork, and disgusted with how pointless it all was, everything. A hundred years from now, nothing I could do would matter one iota. I decided to stop fighting it and just give in. Okay, it's all meaningless. And suddenly, I went from frantically having to do all these things to achieve my goals, to realizing I don't have to do anything. I could do anything I want, and it didn't matter. Instead of wanting to die, I felt a tremendous burden lifted. I could work on my back yard now because it didn't matter what I did. It was boring to just sit down. And there was some pleasure I got from meaninglessly rearranging the stones around the garden. It pleased me. But it didn't have to mean anything any more. I didn't have to have a purpose - I could do it from pure pleasure.

When I went through my clinical depression several years back, the worst part of it for me was the inability to feel pleasure. I remember walking outside on a beautiful day with a light breeze on my arms, and dully remembering, oh, yeah, this is the kind of day that gives people pleasure. But the sensation was painful to me.

Since then, I have rediscovered joy in doing things just for the experience, and not for any purpose. To be sure, I still do a lot of things with a goal in mind - retirement, better health, plans for my son, etc. But often, now, I remember that all those goals are actually just nice "what if's". I might build up a beautiful retirement and get flattened by a truck going to pick up my first check. Planning on the future is always a risky thing, especially when it comes to waiting for something to happen before you can be happy. Now, there are many times in my weekly life when I just enjoy a moment, or a person, or a sensation, or a thought, and it doesn't have to fulfill any goal or solve world hunger to be worthwhile.

So, my answer is that even if I have no goals, there is enough enjoyable in life to make it worth going on. Most of my misery I create myself by demanding things of the universe that it can't deliver, or demanding that the past be different than it is, or demanding that the future meet my expectations, or demanding that people be different than they are. I find it hard to let go of my demands of the universe and of people, but when I can, I start to notice the things life gives me freely without any urging of my own. It's a matter of flowing in the same direction as life around me instead of swimming upstream all the time.

I still believe there is a Purpose, beyond my small goals and plans - a grand Purpose for why we are here - but that is theory, and still hard for me to grasp with any certainty. I feel like it gets a bit clearer the more I am clear about myself.