The Vulnerability of Men

I'm back from the Mountain today - a profound and moving weekend with men. One of the things men find hardest to do - at least I do - is to become close and show affection for other men. Those barriers were broken down this weekend, and we held each other like brothers, able to look into each other's eyes and say how much we love each other. It is rare that I have done deep men's work in my life, but each time it has been profound.

On Saturday evening, three women were brought into our retreat, partially so that we could look at our response to the presence of women. One of our responses was to feel threatened. We had spent two days finding ourselves as men, finding our strength, our connection with the earth, our true desires, without women being an influence. Facing the prospect of these women being there, we felt afraid. One man said, women can cut us off at the knees. The moment we know a woman is watching, we lose who we are, and start wondering if we are pleasing them, if we are good enough, if we are acceptable, and suddenly we have to prove ourselves. Without women present, we knew we were okay the way we were.

This is a vulnerability in men that had escaped me, but was obvious the moment it was mentioned. There is both the desire to be approved by a woman, as well as the desire to be wanted by them, and both of those desires can cause us to compromise who we really are. The joint vulnerability we felt gave us a new resolve to be ourselves, whether or not women were looking. It took a bit, but soon we were dancing, knowing the women were watching, but also knowing we were perfectly okay just the way we were, and we didn't have to modify anything to please them.

I have a new feel today for what it means to be male - to be rooted in the earth, and to have the strength to know what I want, to state it clearly, and to go for it.