Killing the Ego

I'd like to share something that came to me last night - I don't know how well I will be able to convey it, but here goes.

Over the past few months, I've come up with a much clearer understanding of what ego is (or, I should say, I've experienced something in myself for which the word "ego" seems appropriate). The word has always been confusing to me in the past - now I see it as nothing bad or good, just what is.

There is a part of me that believes I am different, special, unique, but in a separating way - in a way that says it is more important that I get what I want than that others get what they want, that I am different either by being better than or less than, that my point of view is more important because I am the one believing it, that my death is more important than the death of others because it is I (my ego) that is dying. This is ego to me, the illusion that somehow I count more than others, that I am the center of the universe, that my experience and point of view are more significant than that of others.

Last night, I was contemplating all the work I do to improve - workshops, books, thinking, journaling, soul-searching. I try so hard, and have tried so hard all of my life, to reach some higher point, some place where I would be more in the flow, more at peace, less encumbered by the traumas of the past. I looked back and was overwhelmed by the huge work I had done, and the huge task yet before me.

I started thinking about why I tried so hard, what I was trying to achieve, why I was so obsessed in letting go of ego, in embracing the universal, in coming to an enlightened place where the thought of death did not cause me fear, the thought of being unloved did not bring a feeling of insecurity, the thought of contradiction did not threaten a rigidly held belief structure. In short, I really wanted to let go of ego and embrace something larger.

What struck me then was that the motivation for getting rid of ego was ego itself. Why did I want to be enlightened? Well, if I was honest, I would have to admit I fantasize people would love me more, I would not be as threatened, I would feel grander, I *would* be right this time - in short, I would have given my ego a huge boost instead of killing it off. If "I" am now "enlightened", surely I am above all those poor slobs who are still rummaging around in self-help books like I used to do!

My motivation for killing off my ego is my ego itself! I'm willing to let go of a few bucks as long as I win the lottery. My real goal has been not to kill the ego, but only to appear to have done that, while really boosting the ego way beyond my greatest dreams!

This plunged me into a kind of despair, but oddly enough, a peaceful despair. I saw that there was nothing - absolutely nothing - I could do to kill off the ego, because the "I" doing the killing was the ego itself. It is like trying to decapitate yourself - it can't be done! You need your head attached in order to carry out the act.

So I was left in a quiet state of realizing that the struggle was useless. All I had tried was futile, because I had secretly been hoping I would reach some higher state by letting go of my desire to reach a higher state - I had not really let go at all, just found more clever ways of trying to satisfy the ego. So the struggle was useless. At last, I could on some level stop trying. I didn't have to strive for something higher, because my striving itself would prevent it. There was nothing I could do - absolutely nothing I could do to get what I wanted.

Echos of religious phrases from my childhood kept coming to mind - "except a seed fall to the earth and die, it cannot bring forth fruit". I feel there is something on the other side of this death, this letting go of striving. But I can't make it come, or make it happen.

So I am just waiting.

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 2/24/2006 12:23:00 PM
Lovely. Elegant. Thanks.