Changes

Well, a new look for my blog, and a new software package behind it.  Also, a new feeling of growth and change springing up from within, and a new desire to share it with others.

I ponder my fate as someone with deep mood shifts - these past few months have been hard ones for me.  I think I experience life more acutely than some - both the ups and the downs.  And if I believe that life is ultimately more about joy than pain, then there is a net gain from being a moody person (although, don’t ask me to verify that when I am down!)

Pathwork says our choice is not whether to feel pain or pleasure - our choice is whether or not to feel.  We can either live life numb, or we can scream from both the agony and the ecstasy.  What a choice!  But it seems I really don’t have much of a choice, as I seem to have been born this way.

So, I am alive, some healing and new lessons have come my way, and I look forward to sharing more with all of you in the upcoming weeks.

Comment posted by
at 12/4/2006 1:09:22 AM

Also I like the changes and improvements to your blog, Gene. Now I can reply without being called “Anonymous”. Andy

Comment posted by
at 12/4/2006 1:06:11 AM

It’s good to hear what you both have to say, Gene and Heidi. I look forward to our next get-together at Gene’s, whenever that may be. Andy

Comment posted by
at 12/3/2006 5:39:18 AM

Gene,

What you are saying sounds so familiar to me. I sometimes read what I wrote a few days or months or even a year ago, and it is like I was a different person with different feelings - my mood shifts and ultimately my perspective had shifted. I’m glad I have my own words to validate my own patters. Because I forget how good something felt when I’m down and I forget how badly I felt before when I am feeling really happy.

And at other times, when I feel fresh and excited about a new inner break-through, I go back to see the same pattern in old writings. I’d written all these “new” discoveries in myself before. I see the same struggling passion voiced long ago when I think it is all brand new today.

I feel, today, that I have made real progress. I feel like I am a different person from it - I truly believe in it, deeply. Yet, I read the same passages I wrote a few years ago - the same feeling; like new discoveries and new changes in my patterns made me new — I am puzzled and sometimes discouraged by this counter-discovery in myself.

Is it illusion that I find myself a new person today? Am I fooling myself? Had I forgotten those lessons I learned so long ago and am I re-learning them all over again today?

Or is there yet another new (if only subtle) shift within me that is truly new again?

I don’t have answers to what is really going on inside of myself.

But I’ve been aware that I have a strange pattern seeking and finding wonderful insights. I think, re-reading my own writings and learning how my patterns work is enlightening in itself - perhaps that is part of the change, part of the new person I become. Just knowing that I probably have been here before at a different time and space in my life.

Maybe that’s what you are saying here, too, when you talk about pondering your fate.

Maybe some of us build a life of unique patterns. Maybe knowing ourselves is to know our own patterns without fixing them, just knowing them and living them for the way we are designed to be. (And that “knowing” in itself, is a huge shift in and of itself, maybe?)

I was only going to make a short comment, but your blog got me thinking, so I’ll go ahead and post this part, if it’s ok with you?