They Get To Do That

I have been learning lately about boundaries in relationships.  One sort of boundary is recognizing the other person's right to choose how they will live and what they will do.

I tend to carry a lot of "should's" in my mind regarding relationships - how we should talk to each other, how we should treat each other, what we should do when we're angry, the ways in which we should maintain a healthy relationship, on and on.  What I have been realizing lately is that every one of those should's creates a demand - I am in effect saying to the other, "You have to follow these rules."  When they do not, I am angry.  I assume they agree with my should's, and that furthermore, they do not have the freedom to break those rules, because there is another person whose feelings they have to take into consideration.

The fact is, they get to do whatever they want, whether or not I like it or not.  We all have this inherent freedom, and no one can really take it away from us, other than by brute force.  They get to not only make their own decisions and live by their own values, but they also get to break promises, do things that hurt us, be selfish, be unreasonable.  They have the freedom and the right to do that.  If we have made a commitment with each other, they get to break that commitment if they choose.  I cannot take away their freedom.

Of course, there are consequences - not by punishment, but in terms of how much I want this person in my life, how close I want to be to them, how much contact I want to have with them.  In a viable relationship, each person will at least consider the possible consequences of their actions.  But they still get to do whatever they choose and deal with the consequences.

That may sound like all semantics, but it is not.  The difference is in my attitude.  If I believe they should act a certain way, I get righteously angry at them for not doing so.  I may judge them, I may think I'm better because I am acting the "right" way, I may be frustrated because they are not acting as I want them to act.  But if I truly get that they can do as they please, and I don't like what they do, there is no longer room for any judgment.  There is room for me to exercise my freedom as well - which may mean talking to them, or letting them know my preferences or how their actions affect me, or distancing myself, or at the last resort, to terminate the relationship.  My responsibility is now not to judge or condemn, but to act according to my own sense of values and integrity.

Agreements of behavior can be used as a means of restricting our freedoms, or it can be used to freely choose new ways of doing things.