Sunday evening? Yes, I'm free!

For a year and a half, I have been doing weekly events at my home every Sunday evening. They have been a joy, have attracted wonderful, close people into my life, and have challenged my skills as a facilitator.

Lately, I've noticed that the evenings have started to be a struggle, and I catch myself thinking what can I do that will please the people who come, instead of what can I do that will feed my desire to give. Perhaps it is burn out, perhaps it is a natural ending, perhaps I just need a break.

The decision to end the series brings sadness, wondering, but also relief. I am someone who, when given enough rope, will manage to bind myself so I can't move, so I lose the very freedom that let me aquire the rope in the first place. I stayed in my marriage three years after I realized I was miserable in it, because I had committed myself, for better or worse.

But I am learning. I am learning to look inside, to listen to the whisperings of the angel bending over me, saying, grow, grow, and to be willing to follow its direction, even when I don't know what I'm growing into.

I fear losing my friends and community. I grieve the possible passing of an era in my life. And I am learning to let go of grief, when it is complete, and look up to the beaming sun again, and fill my lungs with the fresh air of spring.

A child has not yet learned expectations, nor has fear made it cling permanently to the familiar. The child is delighted with every new nuance of life, and does not ask, "Why isn't it this way instead?" At some point, when dualism crept into a world where there was no distinction between "I" and "you", I saw the other as separate, and therefore worthy to be blamed for the things I did not like, and I became a victim.

Today, I am learning to let go of my demands that the universe conform to my expectations, and I find peace - and surprisingly, I also find life. New life springs up, not from demanding, but from yielding, and as I let go, I find I have more.

Comment posted by Gene
at 4/9/2006 8:39:00 PM
(I moved your comment, assuming it was meant for this post)

I do feel more free - right now, I'm just enjoying Sunday evenings, and the preparation time the days before, without any specific plans. But plans are slowly forming in my mind. I'm a bit tired of leading - but I think I would like to form a peer group, where everyone takes responsibility for helping make the event happen. It would be a smaller group, most likely, but would let me step down from a leadership role and just be a member for a change.

But, it's still too early to say much definite. I really enjoyed creating the gatherings, and now I'm really enjoying not creating them!

Comment posted by Anonymous
at 4/9/2006 8:31:00 PM
Hi,
We would love to hear your freedom choices since you've been liberated!