I am an irregular meditator - my habit comes and goes with my mood. I have never found sufficient discipline nor guilt to meditate regularly each day. But I am aware enough of when the need is there, and often make use of my small back yard to sit and connect with something bigger than myself.
This past week, something happened that has never happened to me before. I found myself looking forward to meditating as an actual relief from my normal mental habits. It felt like a warm and familiar place, one where I could relax - like finally, it was okay to not be constantly judging, or deciding what I should or should not be doing, or what was okay or not okay with the world.
For a few minutes, I was relieved of the burden of having to decide the morality of every action that every person and government took, as well as my own self-worth, and worthiness of love. I could let go of anger, interpretation, theories, and return to that space where all I need to do is observe. I hadn't realized how tiring it gets trying to make sure I am right all the time.
My place of meditation that day felt very familiar, like an old friend, as if I was held in warm hands like a baby - nothing to do, nothing to decide, nothing to judge. It felt familiar, being outside, hearing the cicadas, feeling the sun. All there was to do was notice how things were, and to notice myself noticing how things were. It was so simple.
That feeling returned the next few times I meditated, like and old friend greeting me, and I settled down to simply enjoy being there. A few times, I found my mind drifting back to the world of moral responsibility, but I quickly returned to my friend, the world around me, who was patiently waiting for me. I felt like I should apologize for drifting off while in his presence, but realized there was no need to, because his presence was still there, just as strong and warm as before.
It feels like I have come home.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 8/7/2006 4:02:00 PM
I'm glad meditation does so much for you, Gene! Back in the 1970's I was initiated in TM (Transcendental Meditation) for relaxation. Ahhhh! I promised not to reveal the technique, so I won't. Some ways of meditation, some described in books, involve no word or mantra, and some do, such as "One", to be repeated silently in rhythm with the breathing, or naturally, not in rhythm. Whatever works with you is fine! I do not mean to push TM or any one technique. And I would recommend regular exercize also. With TM, at first I felt what seemed like energy streaming along my spine, and felt refreshed and cleansed and youthful, like I would never feel tired. At a meeting of new TM initiates, others reported other experiences, some simply relaxation. Days later, continuing TM, what I felt was just relaxation, as if the initial cleansing and newness were done. Once at a meeting about meditation, not TM, the one leading simply said "Go into your space" and I did just that, like being asleep or unconscious--nobody ever told me to do that before--I must have needed that! Now, years later, I am out of the habit, and meditate seldom, and usually have the TV or radio on except to sleep. What Gene said brings back memories. Although I am retired and no longer have the stress of office work, my better judgement tells me it would be good for me to meditate regularly, or at least now and then. Andy
Comment posted by Lee
at 8/7/2006 10:30:00 AM
Thank you so much for your thoughts. The words I use for myself are attentiveness and noticing; they speak to me in a way I want.
I'm trying to develop life itself as a meditation...........not only as something I set aside time to do. For instance, writing this reply is a form of meditation.
So I'm at the stage of checking in with me and discovering how much attentiveness I feel.......is my mind all over the place; am I focused; CAN I focus and I just notice. Once I notice I look at whether I want to be where I am and if I don't what will it take me to shift. As I'm writing this it sounds very mechanical/in-the-head, but it isn't. It's very fluid and heartful.
Perhaps an example would help. This past week at work..(I'm a nurse)....I had worked 40 hours in 3 days (12-12-16) and was on day 4 working a 12-hour shift. I got a very difficult energy-sucking patient admission. It came to change of shift for the 8-hour nurses and the admission (which wasn't finished) now didn't fall into my block of rooms. Another nurse asked if wanted to keep the admission when she was dividing the patient load. She asked in a way that I interpreted she wanted me to keep the admission. I said to her, "I hear you saying that you want me to keep the admission and no I don't want to keep the admission and I'm exhausted". Those words came out of my mouth and I instantly noticed I needed to get a grip on things; I was out of control. It wasn't her fault I was exhausted. I had chosen to work those hours and I was working another 12 hours the next day with this same nurse. Just the noticing helped me tremendously. I got up and walked over to the assignment board and said I would keep the admission to finish as much as I could in my 12 hours. I live with this mind-set at work that I need to get it all done and it has to be complete and perfect and it makes me crazy......we're a 24/7 operation and it's the responsibility of all of us........I don't have to carry that responsibility load myself.
I went into day 5 knowing my energy was low, even though I had gone to bed early to protect my energy.....I was now working 64 hours in 5 days. I was very conscious that no matter what happened that I wanted to practice remaining upbeat. Sure enough, doesn't one of my patients almost code and I've got to get him off my floor down to ICU. I cannot tell you how much energy this can take and the documentation after the patient has been cared for is enormous and very time consuming. It only took a moment of noticing when the adrenalin rush was coming down after the patient was off the floor and I was documenting that while I was enormously behind, I was taking it all in stride.
So what makes me out-of-control one time and in-stride the next.........that my friend is the key. As I said, I'm only in the noticing stage......but my practice of observing me and all around me is growing and I'm learning every day! Gene, thanks for sharing. It was great to spend this time with you and those who might read.
No comments:
Post a Comment