I am here

I'm at Shalom Mountain once again, the last in a series of four advanced leadership training classes. I arrived warmly welcomed, as I have gotten used to, and glad to see everyone again.

Joy, one of the leaders, started by talking about how supportive our community is. I was immediately triggered and went into anger and withdrawal for the evening. It took me until this morning to figure out what that was all about.

My family was less than ideal. Over time, I have developed a picture in my mind of what that ideal family would have looked like, and have been unconsciously trying to recreate it in the communities I have built. But nothing ever matches up to my ideal, and I am always dissatisfied. When Joy talked about us being a community, I immediately compared Shalom to my ideal, and it was sadly lacking. "Why don't people call me? Why doesn't anyone offer to lead a retreat with me? Where are they when I need them? This is no community!" I spent the rest of the evening withdrawn, perhaps "punishing" them for not meeting my standards.

This morning, I thought again about my happy dog meditation that I wrote about before. If I was a dog, I would not be comparing them to some ideal. I would not have expectations. I would notice I was with people who were happy, and who hugged me. I would notice that there was good things to eat and fun things to do. I would be happy for what is.

I thought about my relationships. I get angry when people aren't as I think they should be. I want those close to me to provide the perfect family I never had. If I looked at what I actually have, and don't compare it to what I think should be, it's pretty good. There's a lot to enjoy.

Our capacity to remember the past and create the future is wonderful, astounding, and indespensible. Yet, at times, that ability interferes with our ability to actually see and feel what is around us in this moment. I can easily act according to past spectors and future demands instead of present realities, and it often makes me miserable.

But at long last, I am here. I just took a shower, and my body feels fresh. Breakfast is waiting, and friendly, loving people surround me. Forget these idealistic visions of community - at least, for the moment. Right now, now is the place to be.