It has been a real blow to my ego to discover, after I'd been writing this blog for several weeks, that the world has apparently not been desperately waiting to learn every profound thought and experience of my life. Even friends don't seem to have caught on to the vast amounts of wisdom they could be gaining if only they would read my blog. My guru image is being severely threatened.
It has challenged me to question why I am doing this. I know that I have a strong desire to be seen and heard, and the idea of putting myself out on the world wide web for all to see was very appealing. And, as far as I can tell, I have very few readers, or at least commenters. But I continue to write, even though the fantasy of becoming one of the most widely read blogs on the web has quickly faded.
So why do I continue? I discover it does something to me to write, and to be potentially exposed, even if no one ever reads what I write. I know they could, and that makes a difference to me. I am challenged to ask who I am, how I want to present myself to the world, what do I choose to hide and what do I choose to show, and why.
How much my fantasy of greatness continues to fuel my posts, I don't know.
Comment posted by Gene
at 7/9/2006 5:39:00 PM
Hi, Lee. You ask good questions. "Do you think you are wise and great, and if so, do you need others to validate that or convince you?" Yes, a part of me indulges in the fantasy that everything I do is wonderful. Another part indulges in the thought that nothing I do has any worth at all. I know that reality is neither, but that does not always stop me from acting out from these extremes."
"Why does it make a difference [if people could read your blog]?" Because when I harbor fantasies about myself, there is no challenge, other than my own vigilence, to the fantasy. When I consider putting it out on the web, I suddenly am faced with the spectacle of hundreds of people reading my claims, and it sobers me. I have to stop and consider what I *really* believe about myself, and not just what I fantasize. So the exposure forces me to be more honest with myself. (After all, what would people think of me if they caught me lying??? :) )
Thanks for your input.
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/28/2006 5:41:00 PM
I try my best to keep as low a profile on my ego as I possibly can and I'm not always successful. To be doing something so that others will feed the hungry ego is a process to be examined. It's looking outside one's self for self validation instead of writing the blog purely from energy within to feed the energy within.
"I know that I have a strong desire to be seen and heard" Why do you have that desire. Do you want people to look up to you (in the physical sense, they already do!); do you want to be seen as wise or great? If so, where does this need come from? Do you think you are wise and great and if so, do you need others to validate that or convince you?
"I discover it does something to me to write, and to be potentially exposed, even if no one ever reads what I write."
This is writing more from within........for you! You put yourself out there for YOU and what others do with it is their choice. You are not responsibe for them; your blog cannot rescue them, they must do that themselves.
"I know they could [read the blog] and that makes a difference to me"
Again, I ask, why, why does it make a difference? Apparently Andy has been reading your blog but you didn't realize that. Do you feel differently now, why? You really don't know what he thinks of your blog, but you know he's reading it............so what now?
I'm not saying we should all be islands and what others say and think about us doesn't have some meaning and purpose. I believe humans to be social creatures. But I am concerned when actions are generated for the purpose of feeding an ego rather than for the action itself and letting the Universe decide the fate of the action.
I hope some of this makes some sense............Lee
Comment posted by Anonymous
at 6/28/2006 12:08:00 AM
I read everything you put on the internet, Gene, even though I don't always reply. By the way, I was out of town at the Old Songs Festival, a great folk festival, near Albany, NY, and returned late Monday, otherwise I would have replied sooner. Andy
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