Bliss

Yet another wonderful weekend for me - I attended the International Primal Association's Spring Retreat. This is the second year I have gone.

Last year, I went through a lot of withdrawal, as I often do in groups that are run by someone other than me. I have a hard time finding my place in a group, as just a group member, and not a leader, and tend to go through issues of belonging, of wanting to be liked, of feeling different, and so on. It didn't happen this time - I flowed in with the people immediately, and felt connected.

Saturday night, I went into a state of bliss that lasted until the ride home yesterday. I think it was partially induced by a wonderful evening of dancing, the connections, and maybe my tiredness. In that state of bliss, I find it so easy to love other people. Everyone looks beautiful to me, and I feel expansive, fully connected, fully loved and loving. I have been entering a state of bliss more frequently in the last few months, as I tune in to the places that feed my soul, and open myself to the energy that is there.

Sunday morning, as we were doing our "mat track", where everyone spends time alone or in pairs emoting whatever feelings were up for them, I lay in the sunlight in my bliss, listening to the various emotions being expressed all around me. Were someone to take those sounds seriously, they would think people were in extreme pain, or ready to kill someone, or in the depths of despair. Yet I knew in an hour, everyone would get up, be happy, well-adjusted adults, and carry on with the day.

What occurred to me was this: I go through many emotions in the course of a week. Some times I feel lousy about myself, and have a hard time believing I have ever done anything worthwhile. Sometimes I feel I am wonderful, and the world is wonderful. Sometimes I am angry, or a victim, or frightened, and my beliefs about the world shift every time my emotions shift. Yet, somewhere underneath it all, is an "I" that does not change. There is something that was angry one day and happy the next, and that is the true me, the one having the emotions. Likewise with the people around me, even if they appear angry, or scary, or better than or less than, somewhere underneath the emotions, underneath their actions, is a real person. If I get to know the real person under my emotions, and the real person underneath others' actions, there can be a connection that cannot be shaken.

My state of bliss has passed this morning, yet I am still here, content. I am not my feelings. I am something that has feelings, and when those feelings have passed, I am still here. I do not have to be in a state of bliss to be present in the world; nor does a state of despair mean my value is in question. There is a solidness about that, a groundedness that lands deeply within me.

I want to better get to know this mysterious "I" that lives under the covers of my life, and can also be hidden so deeply underneath the way others present themselves. I suspect this "I" in all of us is really the same.